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40Quotes from ‘The Living Room: A 100% True Story’

The Goldbergs: The Living Room: A 100% True Story

608. The Living Room: A 100% True Story

Aired November 28, 2018

When Adam and Erica show no interest in Beverly's treasured - and roped-off - living room furniture, Beverly tries to sell the family heirlooms at auction. Meanwhile, Barry tries to trick Murray into exercising.

Quote from Murray

Barry: Since when do you walk or wear sneakers or participate in life?
Murray: Here's the deal. Every year after I see the doctor, your mom forces me to do some stupid new exercise fad.
Barry: Since when? I've never seen that.
Murray: Exactly! Right before we start working out, I bombard your mom with a year's worth of compliments.
Barry: So you don't compliment the lady all year long?
Murray: No, I save it all for this very moment. And it gets her all flustered and distracted, and that's when I ask her out for a big, fancy lobster dinner.
Barry: Why?
Murray: Your mom forgets all about exercising, and I get to dump ocean meat into hot butter.
Barry: But they list lobster as market price on the menu. You say they're vague on purpose to rip you off.
Murray: Oh, it's so worth it, man. I don't want to exercise.

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Quote from Murray

Beverly: Time to shake it, Mustang Murray!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so my dad put his plan into action.
Murray: Go easy on me, because I'm not in perfect shape like you are.
Beverly: Me? [laughing] Oh, stop it.
Murray: Maybe it's just your beautiful new haircut?
Beverly: I didn't think you noticed.
Murray: How could I not? It looks like you're wearing a golden crown, which makes sense because you're my queen.
Beverly: And you are my big, grumbly king.
Murray: How about we head downtown to Bookbinders for a delicious lobster dinner?
Beverly: Well, I better get outta this spandex and put on my sparkliest sweater.
Murray: [to Barry] And that is how you never move your body.
Barry: You're not a very good life partner.
Murray: Thank you.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You think an umbrella stand made of pure antique brass is $50? No. Try $2,000. This commode is one-of-a-kind. I'll take no less than $6,802. This Victorian-style chandelier needs all-new wiring and bulbs and is $42,000 American. Chippendale-style slant front desk. It has my son Barry's name carved in it, which makes it $100,000 exactly. Semi-authentic Cherry Blossom privacy screen. I think 1.2 is fair, but I don't want to seem unrealistic, so 1.1. This golden red velvet couch is the aria of my personal furniture opera. I'll accept no less than $6.5 million. This is priceless.
Auctioneer: The display of dead owls is priceless?
Beverly: See, I bought them on my honeymoon in London, and you can't just bring things like this back into our country for disease-control reasons, so when I was at customs, I pretended to be a science teacher in need of them for my students.
Auctioneer: That can't possibly be true.
Beverly: That story is 100% real. Which is why this item is so special, one cannot put a monetary value on it.
Auctioneer: Let me take a stab. 60 bucks?
Beverly: I hear you, and I'm willing to go down to $40,000.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Just go easy on me. Clearly, I'm not in perfect shape like you.
Coach Mellor: Oh. Well, I wouldn't say "perfect." Elite, maybe.
Murray: Are you kidding? They ought to put up a statue of you in the town square.
Coach Mellor: Well, I'm not a vain man, but if a statue of me inspired the town to physical fitness, I wouldn't object.
Murray: Hey, what do you say we stop off at the buffet at the Ritz in Center City and map out a game-plan?
Coach Mellor: That's the fanciest breakfast in town. They put parsley on every plate, even the ones that don't need it.
Murray: Your body's a fine-tuned machine, Coach. You need to feed it the best triple-stack waffles and buttermilk biscuits in town.
Coach Mellor: Well, I do allow myself a cheat day once a decade, and that day's arrived!
Murray: Go warm up the car.
Coach Mellor: You got it. Today, we feast!

Quote from Murray

Barry: Hey. What's all this?
Murray: I'm just fixing up your body-flex gizmo. Do me a favor. Don't have any more of your dumbass friends build anything for you.
Barry: Okay. You know, I could always use a workout buddy.
Murray: No.
Barry: Worth a try.
Murray: Hey, I'm not the kind of guy who's ever gonna exercise. But I do want to be there for you. I want to see you get married. I want to hold your baby. I want to see you become a doctor.
Barry: I really hope so.
Murray: Don't hope. I'll be there. And if you're really worried, we can go for a walk every once in a while.
Barry: Really?
Murray: Just let's make sure we talk about MacGyver and the Eagles. No more of this, uh, opening-up-your-heart stuff.
Barry: Heart's closed.
Murray: It better be.

Quote from Barry

Beverly: I just got off the phone with Dr. Emory. We need to have a little pow-wow.
Murray: Oh, crap, here we go.
Beverly: He got the results of your blood work back, and your triglycerides are over 500!
Barry: Wow! That's amazing! Way to go, Dad!
Beverly: No, it's a bad thing.
Barry: Oh, no! You're blowing it, Dad!

Quote from Murray

Beverly: You and I are going on a serious health kick, starting now. It's called Sweatin' to the Oldies, and that is Richard Simmons. He plays Motown hits, and you and I will sweat together as a couple! Fun!
Murray: Getting schvitzy to old-timey tunes? That does sound fun! Bevy, go grab my walking sneakers out of the back of the closet.
Barry: What's going on? Why is Dad standing as if to participate?
Murray: Because your mother is right. Today begins a new me.
Beverly: Time for Richard Simmons to take us down to Funky Fitness Town!
Murray: For my beautiful angel, anything.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Every museum-quality piece in this room is a valuable family heirloom and can never be sold.
Erica: So, if we can't sell them, how are they valuable?
Beverly: Because they have the greatest value of all. Sentimental value.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Yeah. I've called this meeting to discuss a very serious problem. Ever since I decided to be a doctor, I've been learning a lot about health stuff. Did you know diet and exercise are important to living a long life?
Andy: Rings a bell.
Naked Rob: Sure.
Matt: You just learned that?
Barry: Apparently, my dad's Tetris-Cyclopses are outta control, and I'm worried. He really means the world to me, but how do I let him know?

Quote from Matt

Matt: Why don't you just, like, tell him?
Barry: With words to his face? Are you serious right now?
Matt: Just open your heart and be like, "I love you."
Andy: Now, when you say "I love you," do you really mean not talking to him for a year, but he just knows?
Matt: No! I mean, say the words.
Geoff: Now, when you say "Say the words," do you really mean go up to him with the intent of saying it and then chickening out and screaming, "Stop trying to control my life!"?
Matt: I'm talking about actual words or even a hug.
Naked Rob: Now, when you say "hug," do you really mean rough horseplay that ends with me getting tackled through drywall?
Matt: What is going on in your homes?

Quote from Barry

Geoff: Hey, Barry. You're looking very trim, fit, and attractive today.
Barry: Thank you, Geoffrey Schwartz. Would you believe I got this fit without exercising at all?
Geoff: You did not exercise? But that is impossible!
Barry: Not anymore, thanks to Tommy Lasorda!
Murray: What is this? Why are you morons acting out a weird play in front of my TV?
Barry: It's not weird, Dad. It's SlimFast.
Andy: Tell me more.
Barry: You got it, Andrew. World Champion baseball manager Tommy Lasorda has conquered hunger cravings forever.
Naked Rob: Hey, I saw that product advertised on the TV!
Barry: I just happen to have that commercial already in the VCR. Shall we?

Quote from Murray

Murray: If I drink the damn shake, will you morons leave me alone?
Matt: I'm not involved in this.
Murray: Not bad.
Geoff: Hey, I don't think you chug it all at once...
Barry: You gotta savor it. That counts as your lunch.
Murray: No, these crab cakes are my lunch.
Barry: No, you drink that instead of the crab cakes.
Murray: So, when do I eat my crab cakes?
Barry: Later, during your sensible dinner.
Murray: But your mom made lasagna.
Barry: Okay, you don't get the shake, the crab cakes, and the lasagna.
Murray: Well, let's give it a shot, who knows?
Geoff: Oh, no! You just added a ton of milkshakes into your dad's life.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I have been collecting and curating my whole life, and they want nothing?
Linda Schwartz: My kids don't want any of my beautiful china.
Essie Karp: My dream has always been to pass down my priceless Hummel collection to my kids, but they find them creepy and dead-eyed.
Virginia Kremp: Charles and I would like Chad to take over the flower shop, but he'd rather play Nintendo and drink his precious Pepsi.
Beverly: If our kids don't want anything we value, then why are we saving it in the first place?
Essie Karp: Well, my big game plan is to get really old and die and then they have to take it out of obligation.
Beverly: Okay, yes, we all agree your dying would be the best-case scenario. But that's not really something we can explore as an option right now.
Virginia Kremp: Then what do we do?
Beverly: If our kids aren't going to appreciate any of this, then we will. Starting tomorrow, I am gonna sell everything in here and use the money for me. No, for us. I'm gonna buy us all a cruise to the Bahamas like that Kathie Lee Gifford sings and dances about.

Quote from Naked Rob

Murray: All right, I'm home. Nobody bother me!
Barry: Wow! Look who's fresh from work and is immediately dropping his pants at the door.
Murray: What the hell, moron? Why is there a metal octopus in my den?
Barry: This is a Bowflex, an all-in-one total body sculptor which has been assembled by the greatest minds of my generation.
Andy: That's us.
Naked Rob: Really hoping this bar isn't crucial in any way.

Quote from Murray

Murray: I don't care what it is, it's blocking my chair, and that's where I do my best sitting.
Barry: Starting now, you only sit in this. And through the power of science and pulling, it will transform your body into Lorenzo Lamas.
Murray: I don't know who that is, but I hate his name and this Moron-Flex thing.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Coach accepts your challenge. Molding your lumpy father into hardened steel will forever be my legacy.
Barry: This is a good choice. I made a good choice.

Quote from Beverly

Auctioneer: Okay, our auction begins tomorrow at noon. You have the catalogue. Everything is in it. I set some preliminary prices to get the ball rolling. Any questions?
Beverly: Yes, many questions, starting with what the [bleep]?
Auctioneer: Oh, wow.
Beverly: Your pricing is embarrassingly low.

Quote from Barry

Coach Mellor: [whistle blows]
Murray: Gah!
Coach Mellor: Mornin', Murray Goldberg! You did the right thing calling in Coach from the bullpen.
Murray: I didn't call anyone.
Barry: I did. Coach is here to whip us both into shape. But mostly you.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Now, are you ready to begin the long, painful journey to physical perfection? What do you say?
Murray: I say get out of my house.
Coach Mellor: Barry said you'd say those exact words. But Coach never knows when to go away, so pop off that shirt and let me see what I'm working with.
Murray: Nobody's popping off anything.
Coach Mellor: Don't worry. When I'm done with you, that shirt's gonna pop itself off. Are you ready to feel the burn?

Quote from Beverly

Auctioneer: Hello, and welcome. Today, we begin with items from the Beverly Goldberg Collection. First up is this unique red sitting opportunity. And the bidding begins at $40,000. Anyone? Anyone?
Beverly: Tell them it's a family heirloom. My grandfather made a horse carry it across Slovania. The horse was proud, but never the same.
Auctioneer: Okay. Anyone want to be a part of this lady's upsetting history? Anyone?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What's happening? Why is no one getting in on that bargain basement price?
Auctioneer: You know, if you really wanted this to sell, you would let me lower the price to something like $200. There you go. $200, going once.
Beverly: That is highway robbery! Essie, quick! Bid $100,000.
Essie Karp: I'm not doing that.
Beverly: Why?
Essie Karp: Honestly, 'cause that couch looks like it belongs in a bordello.
Beverly: Fine. Virginia! You always do what I say. Bid right now.
Virginia Kremp: But I don't want to.
Beverly: This fidgety blond woman wants to bid $100,000.
Virginia Kremp: I really don't!
Auctioneer: No, she really doesn't.

Quote from Beverly

Auctioneer: Anyone? Anyone? Any real bids? Anyone at all?
Beverly: I bid $500,000.
Auctioneer: Ignore that woman. And sold for $200!
Beverly: No! Unsold!
Auctioneer: Next up, we have... Oh, Lord.
Beverly: I bid $10 million. I'm taking it all back. No one touch my stuff.
Auctioneer: Happy this is over. Moving on!

Quote from Murray

Coach Mellor: Ugh. Tummy so full. I gotta unbutton... There's the stuff. Yeah.
Murray: What the hell? Why are you slothing around with Coach instead of getting fit?
Coach Mellor: Gimme another sleeve of Double Stufs, Mur-Money.
Naked Rob: Dude, your dad ruined Coach Mellor.
Andy: It's been one day! How?
Barry: I know how! You fed him fancy foods and compliments like with Mom, didn't you?
Murray: I didn't compliment anyone, moron.
Coach Mellor: Well, you said my calves look like recently picked coconuts.
Murray: Right off the tree.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Damn it, Adam! These things are priceless. Look where you're going.
Adam: No way! I can't make direct eye contact. They'll come to life and take me.
Beverly: Okay, just put it down. You're being ridiculous.
Adam: Can't we just leave them on the curb? The owls had a family, and they deserve to get closure.


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