Geoff: There is a way, you know.
Erica: What are you talking about?
Geoff: You think you're the only one who knows how to play the game of flirtation and romance?
Beverly: I'm listening. Tell me how to beat the system, wise Geoff.
Erica: No, no, no. Don't fill her head with sunshine. Now put the baby down.
Geoff: No.
Erica: "No"? What is this "No"? I'm not familiar with it.
Geoff: You complimented my thighs, and you didn't even mean it. My thighs are amazing. They taper and bulge in all the right places.

Erica: You know about my flirtation game?
Geoff: Oh, I know all your moves. But you don't know mine. There's only one thing that gets someone's attention. Jealousy.
Erica: [scoffs] When has that ever worked for you?
Geoff: Oh, sweet, foolish, naive Erica. You didn't pay me the time of day until you saw a little candy on my arm.
Erica: Wait, Evy Silver?
Geoff: I used Silver to get the gold. Goldberg, that is.
Erica: You... played me? Mom, this can't be who you listen to.
Beverly: You know, making him jealous instead of doing nothing seems to be the better choice.
Geoff: Yes! Now watch my sweet thighs disappear as I walk away in victory. [walks off]
Erica: His thighs are pretty amazing.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 1st, 1980-something, and my mom was returning from another fulfilling day as the Quaker Warden at William Penn Academy.
Beverly: Home from school. We have any Capri Sun?
Erica: You know where it is. Now, tell me all the news of the outside world, 'cause I've been cooped up in here with the little one.
Beverly: Erica, Joe said the funniest thing today. [chuckles]
Erica: Joe... as in Mr. Perott, the school's guidance counselor?
Beverly: Joe is so funny. Now, you wouldn't know this just by looking at Joe, but... [chuckling] Today, in the teachers' lounge... [laughs] I dropped my Del Monte yogurt on the floor. And then Joe comes by and says, "Finally, some culture in this place." Get it? [chuckles] 'Cause yogurt has cultures of bacteria. Oh, he's so funny, that Joe!
Erica: You seem to be saying "Joe" a lot.
Beverly: We're colleagues. I say people's names. Stop being weird.
Erica: It's fine. Let me make you a snacky, and you can tell me all about your little crush.
Beverly: Ew, um... [scoffs] The only crush I have is on my children. Joe and I are just friends.

Erica: Friends, huh? Well, I want you ask yourself these three questions. Do you get excited being around Joe?
Beverly: Excited? No. Eager and enthusiastic? Sure. Sleepless energy that crackles with electricity? Kind of.
Erica: Do you do things to get his attention?
Beverly: Never. I mean, do I bake him endless cakes and pies? Yes. Do I write cute little notes and put 'em in his cubby? Of course I do. Do I make faces at him in the carpool line? [chuckles] How could I not?
Erica: And, lastly, do you get easily flustered being around him?
Beverly: Absolutely not.
Erica: Oh, hi, Mr. Perott.
Beverly: [gasps] All the vomit! [chuckles]
Erica: You have a crush.
Beverly: I have a crush.

Beverly: Well, what do I do now? I already rejected him when we were on the yearbook committee.
Erica: Oh, don't worry. Men are just lifeless lumps of clay begging to be manipulated. Watch and learn.
Geoff: Hey, hon, it's your turn on diaper duty. And, sorry, it's atomic.
Erica: There's the guy I picked. I just wanted to take a second before I change the diaper to compliment you.
Geoff: Okay, take two seconds. This fella isn't above receiving a word bouquet.
Erica: Your thighs are looking so attractive.
Geoff: What? You can see them through my relaxed-fit corduroys?
Erica: Oh, big time! Have you been hitting that machine that nobody uses at the gym?
Geoff: It's always the least sweaty, so, yeah.
Erica: Well, hubba-hubba. [chuckles] I just wish that I had the time to get some reps in myself. I must look so gross to you.
Geoff: Impossible. You are a vision.
Erica: Well, maybe I'll just let myself go, be one of the big ladies in the "Guinness Book." You know, they're smiling in the picture, so maybe they're happy.
Geoff: Okay, you know what? I have an idea. Why don't I just worry about Muriel and you take all the time you need to feel your best?
Erica: My gracious! What a crazy idea you totally came up with. All right, now hustle off, 'cause the stink is hitting my nose hairs. [Geoff walks off with Muriel] Dumb and done. Good luck with your crush.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Barry's new plan was actually working. Joanne was excited about living together. That was until they saw the place.
Barry: Wow! Look at this palace! Seems perfect for a couple in love, no?
Joanne: Sorry, Bar. [sighs] I don't love it.
Barry: Come on, Joanne. This place has sentimental value.
Joanne: How?
Barry: It's the first apartment we looked at together. Every couple remembers and definitely rents the first apartment they looked at together.
Joanne: It's so sweet you want to rush into this. But let's explore our options. Maybe get an apartment that doesn't smell like onions.
Barry: Onions are the best! They're everyone's fifth-favorite hot dog topping.

Joanne: Barry, I think you cut yourself a little with that staple gun.
Barry: [raises bleeding hand] Just let me finish.
Joanne: It's bleeding pretty bad.
Barry: No, Joanne. What's bad is how much I screwed up.
Joanne: You need to get a rag or maybe a tourniquet! [Barry sighs] Do you not feel that?
Barry: The only thing I can feel is the pain I caused you.
Joanne: At least put some pressure on it or, like, elevate it over your head.
Barry: Exactly. I'm over my head in love with you.
Joanne: It's really pumping. I can tell when your heart beats.
Barry: When that apartment came up, you should've been my first thought.
Joanne: You're about to have no more thoughts because you are running out of blood. [wraps scarf around Barry's hand]
Barry: I always want to put you first, and I definitely want to live with you.
Joanne: That's incredibly sweet, but we need to get you some medical attention, like, now.
Barry: So you forgive me?
Joanne: Yes, of course.
Barry: Yes! Bar-Bar and Jo Jo are back! [clicks stapler] [hugs Joanne] Oh, I feel a little light headed.
Joanne: Sure.

Erica: Where have you been, young lady?
Beverly: Oh, Erica. [chuckles] Did you wait up for me?
Erica: How was I supposed to sleep, knowing that you were out running around in the streets with God knows who, doing God knows what?
Beverly: I just went out with Joe to get ice cream after the dance. No biggie.
Erica: Oh, "no biggie"? It's a very big biggie! Do they not have phones at this ice cream establishment?
Beverly: Okay, I didn't think...
Erica: That's right, you didn't think. Now go to your room while my brothers and I decide what to do with you.
Beverly: Sorry. I'll do better next time.
Erica: Yes, you will, or there won't be a next time.
Beverly: Is that it?
Erica: Well, you're lucky that it is. Now, tell me everything about Joe.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my brother, Barry, never thought things through and always took big swings. Luckily, he found a woman who could appreciate him for all he was, his equally eccentric girlfriend, Joanne.
Barry: Ah, the board of opportunities. So many flyers, so many dreams, so many drummers wanted.
Joanne: Ooh! "Do you want to meet lonely singles in your area?" "Shapely ladies are waiting for your call."
Barry: I already got the shapeliest lady on the planet.
Joanne: Yeah, you do. [they kiss] Oh, crap! I gotta go. I'm helping a woman sue the man who ran over her toe. It's super gross and jacked up. I'm totally gonna win. [chuckles]

John Calabasas: [whistling]
Barry: "Luxury apartment"?
John Calabasas: Oh, a reader. Nice. What's your current living situation, friend?
Barry: I live in my childhood home and share a room with my little brother.
John Calabasas: Sounds like you could use a place to yourself, one with all the amenities.
Barry: What amenities? A blonde woman in her 50s who cooks for you?
John Calabasas: Almost! We have sink and window. And as a bonus, I'll throw in easy access to the outside and all that has to offer.