Pop-Pop: What are you watching anyway that's so important?
Adam: Little House on the Prairie. It's just like the video game Oregon Trail, but with Michael Landon.
Barry: I would've dominated in olden times. I'd tame a buffalo and make fire from dirt.
Adam: Please, you'd be lucky if mountain fever took you. Most likely, you'd be kicked in the head by your own horse.
Barry: Nah. I'd befriend a coyote and ride it to the nearest gold mine.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And thanks to my tutoring and her natural charm, I was hoping she'd be a hit. First up was Barry.
Carmen: [reads card] Um, I love how jacked and Chuck Norris-like your body is.
Barry: What a wonderful and accurate hello. Adam, don't let this one get away.

Adam: Pop-Pop, this is great... I mean, not being hateful to a stranger... but now you can finally move out of our basement.
Barry: Yes! We can use the hot tub again.
Adam: And now I can play Mario Bros. without a stream of derogatory comments about Italian plumbers. "Gelato lover" isn't the slam you think it is.
Barry: Italian ice cream in hot water. Ginzy, make that happen for me... I'm gonna go get my trunks.
Virginia Kremp: Wait. What?
Adam: Well, Bar in a bathing suit... that's my cue.
Pop-Pop: Pbht.
Beverly: Aw, we're gonna miss you, Ben. But I'm not gonna miss having my washing machine held hostage by your Velcro shoes.
Virginia Kremp: Best of all, now I can get my morning paper without hearing "Hey, Robe Lady, I took your sports page".
Pop-Pop: It's a happy day for everybody.
Barry: Couldn't find a bathing suit, so I'm dippin' in the buff. Hot tub, here I come. [Virginia gasps] Oh, no, my robe!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After that success, she took a swing at my grouchy grandpa.
Carmen: Mr. Goldberg, this bag of russet potatoes is for you.
Pop-Pop: The whole gunnysack? Eh, look at you. Not a complete waste of space.
Adam: Whoa. Pop-Pop's highest compliment.

Adam: What the hell, lady? What's with the hateful reaction to meeting the woman I... have intense affection for?
Erica: Oh, I've met Carmen before. I've met her but good. I was 8 years old. And we were auditioning for the role of Annie in the Jenkintown Children's Theater production of the beloved musical.
Adam: And you shared a fun and healthy love of the stage without issue?
Erica: [holds red wig] She stole my part! I was a shoo-in for Annie. No one could sing, dance, or violently scrub a floor like me.
Adam: You do carry the anger of a child whose parents have abandoned her.
Erica: She scratched my name off the audition list for Annie and instead put me up for Daddy Warbucks.
Adam: The old bald millionaire?
Erica: The old bald billionaire.
Adam: This image is haunting, especially what appears to be a real, lit cigar.
Erica: The rest of my career in children's theater, I was typecast as bald man after bald man. The King and I, Uncle Fester, Kojak, and the list goes on and on.
Adam: I can't imagine Carmen being capable of sabotage.
Erica: Oh, she is a monster, and I never want to see her in this house again. [puts red wig on Adam and pushes him out of her room]
Adam: I'm concerned I don't look that different.

Pop-Pop: I want to feel wanted. H... How do you do it?
Geoff: What do you mean?
Pop-Pop: I mean, you're just as unnecessary as I am, but no one seems to want you gone.
Geoff: Again, I'm Erica's husband and the father to Beverly's only grandchild.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need the complete works of Josh Schwab.
Geoff: That's not my name, but close enough for me to appreciate the effort.
Pop-Pop: Come on, spill it. How come they're not high-fiving over the idea of you leaving?
Geoff: I guess it's because I'm kind and respectful and super helpful around the house.
Pop-Pop: Josh, you're a genius.
Geoff: I am neither of those things.
Pop-Pop: You're gonna teach me to be a helpful schmuck like you so I can fool those idiots into letting me stay.
Geoff: [sighs] Josh Schwab, what have you gotten yourself into?

Carmen: Why are you being weird-weird instead of your usual cute-weird?
Adam: Gah, fine. You and Erica have met before. And she has this nutso idea in her head that when you two were in Annie as little girls, you sabotaged her.
Carmen: W... What? I would never do anything like that. I don't even remember her being in Annie.
Adam: She was Daddy Warbucks.
Carmen: No, that was a large bald boy.
Adam: No, that was my insane sister. And now she holds a crazy grudge against you.

Pop-Pop: Let's get this thing going before my fiber drink kicks in.
Geoff: Let's start with the basics. You've got to be warm. Ask people how their day was, and listen with a smile.
Pop-Pop: I don't think my face can do that.
Geoff: Wow. Your grinning muscles do appear to have withered away, but with practice we can build them up.
Pop-Pop: Fine. I'll muster a smirk. Now, what's next on your stupid list?
Geoff: Assist around the house. Like with laundry and such.
Pop-Pop: I'd rather live alone than touch the older boy's under-drawers. Now get to the next one already.
Geoff: "N", as in never in the way. Like the waiter who slides in to clean the table while you're in the men's room. You don't know he's there, but you're happy he's scraping away your crumbs.
Pop-Pop: So, that's where my table crumbs go? Some bastard's pocketing them?
Geoff: Uh, moving on to compliments... this family thrives on positive attention.
Pop-Pop: Blech. Needy bastards. Isn't it enough to be alive? Guess how many dead people I know.
Geoff: In short, you need to show this family how you WANC. [chuckles] Oh, no. My acronym is accidentally filthy.
Pop-Pop: No. Don't beat yourself up. I'm ready to do your thing and WANC this family, and WANC it but good.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] In the hopes of continuing living in our house, my Pop-Pop was finally ready to be a helpful member of the family.
Beverly: What is this, Ben? Did you wash my wool sweaters?
Pop-Pop: Yeah, you're welcome. Kinda a tight fit, but I guess you're not married anymore.
Beverly: Wow, okay, it'll be fine. I guess Muriel will just out-glitter everyone in her baby group.
Pop-Pop: Oh. And by the by, that golden mane of yours, pickin' up the light and stuff. Yeah, real yellow and bright.
Beverly: It was incredibly hard to tell, but was that a compliment?
Pop-Pop: All the nice words and you look upon me favorably now.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As crazy as it was, Geoff's advice seemed to be working.
Virginia Kremp: I have to say, Bevy, I saw Ben earlier and he wasn't a total crumb.
Beverly: He's been making a very confusing effort around here, too. This morning, he held the door open for me. Hmm. I didn't want to go anywhere, but it was a nice gesture.
Virginia Kremp: Hmm. Well, he even yelled at me from across the street that my body looked shapely enough to take a run at. Um, you know, I was with my husband and kids at the time, but in a way it was nice.
Beverly: Oh, my God. Ginzy, that makes no sense.
Virginia Kremp: Well, you know, I've been playing tennis and I drink lots of Tab.
Beverly: No, not about your aging torso. It's Ben. You don't just suddenly become a nice person in your late 80s. The man's clearing losing his faculties.
Virginia Kremp: Oh, no. Well, you need to get him to see a doctor.
Beverly: I don't have to go anywhere because I have the world's best doctor right here. Barry!
Virginia Kremp: I was thinking more of a specialist or someone who hasn't recently destroyed my lawn with a pogo stick.