Mr. Glascott: Well, your "beloved institution" is the reason I tore my rotator cuff.
Barry: How'd you do it? Were you running against the lifeguard's orders?
Mr. Glascott: I was merely riding my favorite slide, the Atomic Tsunami.
Barry: The Atomic Tsunami rules.
Mr. Glascott: I hit a dry spot in the Funnel Tunnel and found myself stuck backwards in complete darkness. A mere ribbon of light to let me know that I was still of this earth.
Adam: I couldn't figure out the handle on a porta-potty once, so I feel ya.
Mr. Glascott: First person to crash into me was a boy named Oliver. We had a moment to introduce ourselves. Then came the others.
Adam: Dear God.
Mr. Glascott: That's what I said, over and over again, as teen after slippery teen slammed into my contorted body.
Barry: So how did you get out and end up here whining about it?
Mr. Glascott: Finally, the pressure became too much and we exploded down Wizard's Wash. Alone and terrified, I also realized that I swallowed a tremendous amount of water and Band-Aids.

Barry: Yes! Your loss is my win. Plus, I've already gotten like 700 signatures.
Mr. Glascott: These aren't real signatures. "Pete Zapaya"?
Barry: He's a romantic Italian gentleman.
Mr. Glascott: "John A. Signature"?
Barry: The entire Signature family is behind me.
Mr. Glascott: "The Real Charles Barkley"? He wouldn't sign his name like that.
Barry: I was surprised, too, but here it is in ink.
Mr. Glascott: I'm not giving up. I'm gonna knock on every door in town until that park is closed.
Barry: Not if I knock on them first. Youthful run! [runs off]
Mr. Glascott: Dang it!

Geoff: Thank you both for coming.
Beverly: Uh, if this is your apology bouquet for balling up your hand and punching me in the heart, it is vastly too small.
Geoff: I can't sit back and watch you two tear each other apart, so I came up with a solution. From now on, a totally neutral third party will be making all of our decisions, and her name is Penny. She's gonna decide everything.
Erica: A coin flip? What if it flips to the side I don't want? You haven't thought this through, Geoff.
Geoff: Studies show that people who flip a coin are more likely to follow through with their decisions and report higher overall happiness.
Beverly: My podiatrist's nephew flipped a penny right down his throat one time. It lodged in his intestines and gave him copper poisoning. Doctors had to remove his intestinal tract and hook his stomach directly to his home's sewer pipe. Now he lives and works in the bathroom as a telemarketer. His hours are as flexible as his discharge hose.
Erica: None of that ever happened to a human person, but she does have a point. I don't want to leave things up to chance.

Beverly: Erica, it has come to my attention that your fiance hates me and wants nothing more to do with me.
Geoff: That's not what I said.
Beverly: I've been kicked out of your lives forever. An old bottle of Mountain Dew hucked out the window and left to yellow and fade on the highway of life.
Geoff: I love Mountain Dew. It's not just a beverage, it's a lifestyle.
Beverly: Here are holiday, birthday, and get-well cards for my yet-to-be-conceived grandchildren. Make sure they know my name, my face, and my story of loss. [hugs Erica] If you need me, I will be crying in my room for eternity. [exits]

Adam: Mr. Glascott, you have a minute?
Mr. Glascott: Uh, sure. Let me just put these away. [grunting] Ow! King of kings! My buttocks.
Adam: I know about your shoulder, but what happened to your...
Mr. Glascott: Delicate rump? It's a delayed injury from the water slide. I woke up this a.m. with a purpled haunch.
Adam: I'm just gonna start. I need to juice up my high school resume if I'm gonna get into NYU.
Mr. Glascott: Getting involved in a cause or a charity always looks good. And right now, there's a lone, broken man fighting the good fight, and he sure could use some help collecting signatures.
Adam: That's a great idea. I'll help Barry save the water park.
Mr. Glascott: I'm talking about me.
Adam: But Barry's on the side of an adored local business. You're like the mean, old developer trying to close down the community center.
Mr. Glascott: Developer? I can't even afford two pieces of bread. Every sandwich I make is open-faced. I say it's bruschetta, but it is not.
Adam: Have you considered folding the bread?
Mr. Glascott: Just go do your thing! Aw, my fundament.

Beverly: So it's settled. Orchids it is.
Erica: No. I want marigolds.
Beverly: Erica, you are my whole heart and my firstborn, but you have [bleep] for brains.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, water parks were the peak of childhood fun. They were wet, wild, and incredibly dangerous. Seriously, what were we thinking?
Mr. Glascott: Adam, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior? Joshin'. [chuckles] I am here to talk about something way less urgent than your holy salvation... our local water park.
Adam: Riptide Waters?
Mr. Glascott: I'm here gathering signatures to shut the park down. Would you care to add your Johnny Hancock?
Barry: Hell no. Riptide Waters is a beloved institution. I spent many a summer splashing, sunning, and forcing Adam down slides he wasn't legally tall enough to go down.
Adam: Can't see tears when you're dripping wet.

Mr. Glascott: Don't spin this. I was the one who was gruesomely injured. And when I tried to complain to the smug and tan teen manning the slide, he blew his whistle sharply at me.
Barry: That's Blake. He's hilarious.
Mr. Glascott: You are intentionally ignoring the gravity of this situation.
Barry: Yeah, we are, 'cause we're going to the water park.
Mr. Glascott: Trumpets of revelation! How could you do that?

Barry: Your hilarious story has reminded me how awesome Riptide Waters is. Ad, get your water shoes, your nose plug, and your swim bonnet. Chop, chop.
Adam: It's not a swim bonnet. It just happens to billow in the back and also ties around my neck.
Mr. Glascott: That sure sounds like a bonnet.
Adam: And it doesn't matter. Because I'm not going anywhere near that place.
Barry: Then who am I supposed to ride down the slide with, two-man human-canoe style?
Adam: You mean when you sat on me and used me as a raft to go faster?
Barry: So many cherished screams.

Adam: No thanks. I need to figure out how to get off the NYU waitlist because my guidance counselor spends all his time alone in his swim trunks.
Mr. Glascott: If I don't have a healthy worklife balance, I am no good to you.
Barry: What's the big rush to go to college? You're 15.
Adam: I'm almost 18!
Barry: You're my baby brother. I think I know better than you how old you are.
Mr. Glascott: It is surprising when Adam says his real age. It's like, "Whaaaa?"