Barry Quote #1315
Adam: No thanks. I need to figure out how to get off the NYU waitlist because my guidance counselor spends all his time alone in his swim trunks.
Mr. Glascott: If I don't have a healthy worklife balance, I am no good to you.
Barry: What's the big rush to go to college? You're 15.
Adam: I'm almost 18!
Barry: You're my baby brother. I think I know better than you how old you are.
Mr. Glascott: It is surprising when Adam says his real age. It's like, "Whaaaa?"
Quote from Beverly
Geoff: Thank you both for coming.
Beverly: Uh, if this is your apology bouquet for balling up your hand and punching me in the heart, it is vastly too small.
Geoff: I can't sit back and watch you two tear each other apart, so I came up with a solution. From now on, a totally neutral third party will be making all of our decisions, and her name is Penny. She's gonna decide everything.
Erica: A coin flip? What if it flips to the side I don't want? You haven't thought this through, Geoff.
Geoff: Studies show that people who flip a coin are more likely to follow through with their decisions and report higher overall happiness.
Beverly: My podiatrist's nephew flipped a penny right down his throat one time. It lodged in his intestines and gave him copper poisoning. Doctors had to remove his intestinal tract and hook his stomach directly to his home's sewer pipe. Now he lives and works in the bathroom as a telemarketer. His hours are as flexible as his discharge hose.
Erica: None of that ever happened to a human person, but she does have a point. I don't want to leave things up to chance.
Quote from Mr. Glascott
Mr. Glascott: Well, your "beloved institution" is the reason I tore my rotator cuff.
Barry: How'd you do it? Were you running against the lifeguard's orders?
Mr. Glascott: I was merely riding my favorite slide, the Atomic Tsunami.
Barry: The Atomic Tsunami rules.
Mr. Glascott: I hit a dry spot in the Funnel Tunnel and found myself stuck backwards in complete darkness. A mere ribbon of light to let me know that I was still of this earth.
Adam: I couldn't figure out the handle on a porta-potty once, so I feel ya.
Mr. Glascott: First person to crash into me was a boy named Oliver. We had a moment to introduce ourselves. Then came the others.
Adam: Dear God.
Mr. Glascott: That's what I said, over and over again, as teen after slippery teen slammed into my contorted body.
Barry: So how did you get out and end up here whining about it?
Mr. Glascott: Finally, the pressure became too much and we exploded down Wizard's Wash. Alone and terrified, I also realized that I swallowed a tremendous amount of water and Band-Aids.
Quote from Barry
Barry: Yes! Your loss is my win. Plus, I've already gotten like 700 signatures.
Mr. Glascott: These aren't real signatures. "Pete Zapaya"?
Barry: He's a romantic Italian gentleman.
Mr. Glascott: "John A. Signature"?
Barry: The entire Signature family is behind me.
Mr. Glascott: "The Real Charles Barkley"? He wouldn't sign his name like that.
Barry: I was surprised, too, but here it is in ink.
Mr. Glascott: I'm not giving up. I'm gonna knock on every door in town until that park is closed.
Barry: Not if I knock on them first. Youthful run! [runs off]
Mr. Glascott: Dang it!