Beverly: "O Schmoopie-o, Schmoopie-o, wherefore art thou, Schmoopie-o?"
Adam: Mom! Enough with the Schmoopie-o's!
Beverly: Shakespeare would love the way I talk.

Dave Kim: If Dana lands Juliet opposite Andrew Gallery, it will for sure turn into a showmance.
Adam: "Showmance"? Just because two beautiful teens spend hours together rehearsing and kissing in the most romantic play ever doesn't mean... Oh, balls, balls!
Dave Kim: Yep. That drab auditorium might as well be The Blue Lagoon, 'cause young love is afoot.
Adam: You're a foot.

Adam: You know what? Maybe I'll try out for Romeo.
Dave Kim: Then you better start learning some Shakespeare. It's not exactly the easy-breezy dialogue from ALF.

Adam: Watch me perform Romeo's death by poison. Ohh! [imitates slurping] Thy drugs are quick. [groaning] Oh, no! Thus with a kiss, I die!
Beverly: With Mama's kiss, you live! No! If thou goest, then I go, too. Oh, give me that vial.
Murray: You two mind dying in the kitchen?

Erica: Check it! I got another "A" on my sociology midterm.
Geoff: Another perfect grade? Your GPA is gonna look like Fonzie on a Friday... All "Aaays."
Erica: Yeah, I don't have time to acknowledge how lame that was.
Geoff: Come on, let's celebrate by going to one of the many fun hangs on this corkboard. Oh, no! A lost dog?
Erica: Snowball is fine, and so am I. No parties.
Geoff: But all you do is go from your dorm to the classroom and back to your dorm. I mean, get out there. Meet some people. And if you do, ask them if they've seen a bichon/pug mix who loves carrots.

Ren: Whoa! Whoa! Can't stop! Can't stop! Can't stop! Ugh! Ohh! Oh! I am so sorry. Are you okay? This is my first time riding a skateboard.
Erica: Yeah, well, a crowded, public space full of strangers is a perfect place to start.
Ren: Oh, God, here, take my sweater. Your knee is bleeding.
Erica: Wait. Is this cashmere? I don't want to ruin it with my knee blood.
Ren: It'll give it character. And then some cute guy is gonna come up to me, and he'll be like, "Hey, you got blood on your sweater," and I'll be like, "You're stupid." And then he'll be my boyfriend for a few weeks, and I will have you to thank.
Erica: Wow. You're, like, a lot.
Ren: Thanks! I'm Ren. It's short for Lauren.
Erica: I'm Erica. Or Ca? Yeah, that doesn't work. Um, well, it was nice to break your fall.
Ren: Don't look, but there is a guy over there who is majorly creeping on you.
Erica: Oh, yeah. That creeper's my boyfriend. He wants me to make a friend.
Ren: Tell him you did.

Ren: That must be so hard for you and your brother.
Barry: Cheggit! Package from Mom. Homemade fudgy crunch bars! [chuckles] Whoo! So fudgy in my mouth! How does it go down? So sticky!
Erica: Sweet, sad Barry. He just hasn't accepted it.
Ren: That is sad.

Dave Kim: Dude, you're Romeo.
Adam: I know, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: Romeo kisses Juliet!
Adam: I know, Dave Kim!
Dave Kim: And Dana is... Lady Montague?
Adam: Oh, no, Dave Kim. That means she's playing my...
Dana: Mom.
Adam: I mean, it could be worse.
Dana: Could it?
Adam: It's not like you're playing my actual mom. Even if you were, I've heard my dad say more than once that she's a handsome lady. And I'll shut up.

Vic: You're Romeo? [laughing]
Adam: But what about your whole thing about handsy Romeos smooching up your little princess?
Vic: [laughing intensifies]
Murray: You understand. You're not a Romeo.
Adam: I was literally cast as Romeo.

Erica: Mom and Dad can't come to Parents Weekend.
Barry: Absolutely not! Also, why not?
Erica: If tacky, horrible Mom shows up, Ren will never talk to me again.
Barry: Ha! The friendship you care about hinges on the paper-thin premise you can hide Mom forever.
Erica: This is bad for you, too. Do you think potential girlfriends on this campus will respond well to Beverly Goldberg?
Barry: Oh, no! You brought it around to me, and now I'm invested.