Beverly: Well, unlike you, I live in total terror of that day and all the sad and lonely ones that will follow.
Bill Lewis: Been there. After Lainey left, things got dark. I rarely ate, showered, or ventured outside. My hollow shell of a body would crawl out of Lainey's tear-stained bedroom only to answer a phone that wasn't ringing.
Vic: Is this why you didn't bring the nachos?
Bill Lewis: Yeah.

Erica: What are you doing?
Barry: Tossing out all the things I'd been saving for the day I finally joined a fraternity. Goodbye, pledge paddle. You will never redden the tushies of my friends.
Erica: That's Mom's cheese board.
Barry: Goodbye, togas, the preferred apparel of Greek gods and ghosts.
Erica: Those are my bed sheets.
Barry: Here. Maybe you can find a better home for them.
Erica: I'll probably just continue to use them as sheets.
Barry: Goodbye, beer funnel.
Erica: That's a traffic cone.

Barry: I'm joining a fraternity.
Erica: Ugh. Why?
Barry: Bros, babes, beer, and boat shoes!
Erica: Classism, hazing, dangerously excessive drinking.
Barry: Yeah, all of those awesome reasons.

Erica: Barry, I'm leaving. All the smirking and popped collars are wigging me out.
Barry: Okay, girl I've never met.
Rick Kentwood: Hi. I'm Beta Zeta president Rick Kentwood.
Erica: Of course you are.
Rick Kentwood: And if you're not busy tomorrow night, you should come by our house. We're hosting a classy get-together.
Erica: "The Get Trashed Bash"? Was "Douche Gala" taken?
Barry: We accept! Me and this mouthy lady stranger will be there.

Barry: Thanks for coming to the weekly meeting of the JTP.
All: JTP!
Geoff: First order of business... It's almost Matt Bradley's birthday, and I...
Barry: No one cares about stupid Matt Bradley and how embarrassingly old he's getting.
Matt: It's true. No one likes to be confronted by their mortality. Let's not make a big deal about it.

Murray: Activities?
Beverly: Golf.
Murray: Too much walking.
Beverly: Putt-putt golf.
Murray: Too much walking.
Beverly: Crocheting?
Murray: My fingers are too thick, and also I don't want to. You just rattle them off. I'll tell you when you hit one.
Beverly: Wine tasting. Cooking class. Bowling. Sightseeing. Bird watching. Learning a new language. Ceramics.
Murray: Yeah!
Beverly: Ceramics it is!
Murray: No, no, no. The Eagles finally got a first down. I'm not doing pottery.

Vic: Don't worry, Bev. Murray's a good guy. He'll come around.
Bill Lewis: The best. But also the worst. He once told me I was too bald to look at. He didn't clarify and I was too afraid to ask and now too much time has passed.
Vic: That is a deeply upsetting story.
Bill Lewis: For sure, but I love the guy.

Barry: How do I look?
Erica: Like a yacht captain was run over by a polo horse.
Barry: Perfect.

Barry: I've called this emergency meeting to tell you I will not be a painfully handsome frat god who is above the law. I'll merely be painfully handsome.
Matt: I'm sorry, Bar. Those idiots don't know what they're missing.
Barry: But what hurts even more is, while I'm flailing, you guys are out there crushing it.
Geoff: While that's incredibly petty and mean, the truth is, we're actually not.
Andy: I lied before about being the coxswain of the rowing team. I just like saying "coxswain."
Barry: Coxswain. Oh. That is fun.

Vic: How did you do that, Beverly?
Beverly: Jazzercise. Really strengthens the buttocks. You know, with strong buttocks, anything is possible.
Bill Lewis: That makes scientific sense.
Beverly: Well, the butt is the face of the back of your body.
Bill Lewis: How can I make my cheeks more rosy and plump?
Beverly: Easy. Tomorrow, we're going to Booty Boogie Body Ballet.
Vic: I'm in.
Beverly: Just wait till Murray finds out I'm taking his friends to butt class.
Bill Lewis: Do you really think that butt dancing is the antidote here, Bev?
Beverly: Oh, it's not about butt dancing. It's about Murray eventually realizing that he's sitting alone at home in his chair, and that is no way for a man to live.