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‘A 100% True Ghost Story’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: A 100% True Ghost Story

706. A 100% True Ghost Story

Aired October 30, 2019

Barry wants to throw an epic Halloween party after discovering The Rocky Horror Picture Show, while Erica is more focused on her studies. Meanwhile, Beverly is convinced the house is haunted by a ghost who hates her paintings.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't know there was a new "Rocky" movie!
Erica: Dope, that's not Rocky Balboa. That's "Rocky Horror".
Barry: So the Italian Stallion fights a werewolf? It is the boxer's natural enemy, after Mr. T's and Russians.
Geoff: No, it's a spoof of horror movies, but with the singer Meat Loaf.
Barry: While I love his passionate vocal range, he's more loaf than meat. Rocky would own him.
Erica: That's because it's not "Rocky".
Geoff: This one has singing and dancing and audience participation.
Barry: Ew. I'm in.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so Barry decided to give "Rocky Horror Picture Show" a shot, and to his surprise, he kind of dug it. After all, he got to throw stuff and make tons of noise... ...and play with water guns and chuck toilet paper.
Barry: This is the best "Rocky" movie ever.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And even though he still thought it was a "Rocky" movie, Barry was obsessed.

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Quote from Murray

Beverly: Murray, wake up. Something's going on downstairs.
Murray: It's probably just a burglar. Go back to bed.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But she was too freaked out to sleep, so she made my dad go check it out, and this is how he explained it.
Murray: Yeah, it's just the house settling.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But an hour later, another one fell. [clatter] [Beverly gasps] And my dad found a new reason why.
Murray: Wind did it. [Beverly gasps]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But the paintings just kept falling.
Murray: Tiny earthquake. Army ants. Magnets. Meteor shower. Wall raccoon. Local train derailment. Local volcano. Army ants again. Local youths who were on the train that derailed earlier.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ah, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". Back in the day, college kids loved watching this cult classic on Halloween, except for the one college kid who could never decide what movie to see.
Erica: Will you stop being a nightmare on this street and pick a Halloween movie already?
Barry: But it has to be perfect... one part scary, one part thriller-y, and no parts "Gremlins". Too many rules.
Geoff: But gremlins only have three rules... no bright lights, no water, and no feeding after midnight.
Barry: Oh, my God, boring Geoff. Every time you talk, I feel like I'm reading.
Erica: Speaking of, I'm off to the library... or what you like to call the book zoo.
Geoff: It's Halloween. Take a break from studying and see a movie with me.
Erica: Sorry, dude, but this conversation was my study break. Plus, watching Barry eat popcorn is the real horror show.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was October 30, 1980-something, and one of our family's most legendary, terrifying, and 100% true stories was about to take place.
Adam: It's showtime!
Murray: Is this a Halloween costume or one of your everyday dumb things?
Adam: It's Beetlejuice.
Murray: Hey! My bagel! Watch it, beetle bug.
Adam: Sorry, but I'm a reckless spirit who causes havoc.
Murray: I'm a hungry spirit that pays the bills, so shut up.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Beloved family, look at these old, dusty, and therefore priceless, fancy French paintings I bought at a garage sale.
Adam: Oh, boy. I just discovered why art is important.
Murray: You paid for that crap? I could paint better butts.
Beverly: You know, I'm glad you said that, because there's a couples painting class at The Learning Annex...
Murray: I love 'em. Put 'em up.
Beverly: Great! Adam, be careful on the stairs. Don't be a clumsy gorkus and smash into them. I love you, but you're a gorkus.
Murray: Hey, Bevy, the boy's no Gregory Hines, but he knows how to work a staircase. [Adam knocks over Murray's cup of coffee] I just defended you, ya gorkus!

Quote from Erica

Erica: It's not happening.
Barry: But you're the one who's always saying how important it is for me to make new college friends.
Erica: The word I used was "impossible".
Barry: Well, it won't be when it's "Rocky Horror"-themed.
Geoff: Oh, that sounds like a good time... to consider how Erica might feel about it.
Erica: There isn't gonna be a party, because I have a chem midterm to study for, and so do you.
Barry: Then we're in full agreement. [claps hands] Good talk.
Erica: Barry, there will be no ragers, no bashes, no shindigs, hootenannies, soirées, amusements, teas, galas, festivities, or functions of any kind.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Somebody slashed my art.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, this 100% really happened.
Adam: You know what that means, don't you? We have a ghost, and that ghost hates butts.
Murray: Stop! There's no such thing as ghosts!
Adam: Of course there is! There's Large Marge from Pee-wee's Big Adventure, the poltergeist from Poltergeist, and Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde from Pac-Man.
Beverly: Those are some very compelling examples, Murray.
Murray: Examples of things that aren't real.
Adam: It's obviously a spirit with unfinished business trapped in the realm of the living.
Beverly: Obviously.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Ghosts aren't real!
Beverly: Our mailman's niece ignored a scary ghost who frightened her so badly that her hair turned bone-white, and now she has to play Mrs. Santa Claus at a year-round Christmas store.
Murray: It's hard to argue with that iron-clad evidence. Eh, but let me try... no ghosts!

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Adam, we have to get to the bottom of this.
Adam: On it! You got the fear, I got the gear.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] We were haunted, probably, which finally gave me reason to say this.
Adam: I ain't afraid of no ghost. I mean, a little, but let's do this.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Will you two knuckleheads stop yakking about ghosts? I'm trying to watch the Eagles blow a lead.
Adam: How could you be watching sports right now? A departed soul is interplaying with our world.
Murray: Yeah, it's not.
Beverly: To be clear, you would never believe in anything that couldn't be explained?
Murray: Of course not.
Beverly: Interesting. So, if I came into the den and touched this wall during an Eagles game, that wouldn't bother you even a little?
Murray: Bup, bup, bup! Keep your hands off my lucky wall. [crowd groaning on TV] Tony Franklin misses the extra point! He's Mr. Automatic! What have you done?!
Beverly: So you do believe in things that can't be explained, but only when it suits you.
Murray: Don't turn this around on me. We all know my lucky wall has been a great part of the Eagles' success for years.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Make sure you cover every square inch of space on that board.
Matt: Trust me, Big Tasty, when I'm done, no one at this college will be able to find a dog sitter, guitar lessons, or the hotline to call when negative thoughts are taking over.
Andy: Hey, uh, just so we're clear, how long do I have to wear this heavy thing?
Barry: As long as it takes to catch the eye of everyone on campus. And you should be moving around more. Start jogging. Move those little legs.
Andy: You got it, Big Tasty. And you not saying thanks is thanks enough.
Barry: Naked Rob, where the hell is my skywriter?
Naked Rob: Nowhere, because it costs $3,000 and I'm still technically a boy.
Barry: Totally unacceptable.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After their public throwdown in the quad, the dean called Barry and Erica in for a private meeting.
Dean: We take fighting very seriously.
Geoff: Oh, God, will this go on our permanent records?
Dean: Are you a student here?
Geoff: Boyfriend of a student.
Dean: That's not anything.
Geoff: And yet it's all I got.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I also feel something. I'm naturally very intuitive. I could've been a psychic.

Quote from Beverly

Karen English: Spirit, we mean you no harm. Please advise us of your intentions. Ooh. Very interesting.
Adam: Oh, balls. What is it?
Beverly: Oh, I-I'm sensing, um, an ancient Indian burial ground.
Karen English: No. This is a Victorian presence.
Beverly: Exactly. An ancient Victorian... Indian burial ground.

Quote from Barry

Barry: An "F"? Uh [chuckles] I think you mean "D".
Professor Majors: I don't.
Barry: How did this happen?
Professor Majors: Did you study?
Barry: No, but a very prestigious school administrator said I needed a work/party balance.
Professor Majors: Did he also say that you will never become a doctor with grades like these?
Barry: But that's my dream. Why would he encourage my reckless lifestyle without highlighting the consequences?
Professor Majors: Well, if I were you, I'd drop everything else and start cramming for the next exam.
Barry: I'm hosting an epic rager for the ages tonight.
Professor Majors: "Rocky Horror"? What is this nonsense?
Barry: It's a movie about a mad scientist who's actually an alien cross-dresser who creates a muscle man in his lab.
Professor Majors: Just another offensive portrayal of a scientist. Why don't we ever hear about the well-adjusted scientist who pays his taxes and shows up consistently for his nephew Brandon? Why is this guy walking around in his undies?
Barry: That's Brad. He's a doof.
Professor Majors: You're a doof. [a student trips and drops her books] Damn it, Janet.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Could you do me a favor? Could you, uh, talk to the ghost?
Beverly: What are you saying?
Murray: Do what you do best. Protect the family and tear that ghost a new one.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out the only way to get rid of a prim and proper ghost was to unleash Beverly Goldberg.
Beverly: Uh, hey, Victorian girl... you're gonna need to get the [bleep] out of my house...
Murray: Hoo-hoo!
Beverly: ...or I am gonna sell this house to a family of nudists.
Murray: She'll do it!
Beverly: And it's not gonna be the fit, athletic kind of nudists, either. Oh, no. There's gonna be bits and bobs flappin' all around the kitchen.
Murray: [laughing] This is ridiculous. I love it.
Beverly: It will be hygienically disgusting.
Murray: Give it to 'em, Bevy.
Beverly: So get the [bleep] out of my [bleep] house, you [bleep]-hating [bleep] ghost! Shame on you.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, those dusty old butt paintings were there to stay... that is, until day turned to night and strange things started to happen.
Beverly: Adam, I told you to stay off the stairs!
Murray: Adam, you moron!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But I wasn't on the stairs. In fact, no one was.
Beverly: [gasps] Murray, that wasn't Adam. He just walked in dressed as an old Hawaiian lady.
Adam: I'm Weird Al. I only changed my costume 'cause there's another Beetlejuice at school. I let Zach Rosen have the win. His parents are getting divorced.
Murray: Thanks for that journey, but if it wasn't you, how did that picture fall?
Beverly: Something's not right here, something beyond the scope of our understanding.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She was right. Something was up, something otherworldly and not quite... [ominous chord plays]
Adam: That was my accordion. What a haunting sound, huh?

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Having fun with that thing?
Geoff: [holding handheld vacuum] Oh, you know it. Had a brief scare with the phone cord, but it's been smooth sailing since the rug.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Good Hallow's Eve, sister. Geofferson.
Erica: What do you want?
Barry: I'd very much like to host an intimate gathering to celebrate the passing of October.
Erica: A Halloween party?
Barry: I love it. That's way better than my idea. We shall burn this dorm to the ground.

Quote from Geoff

Barry: I hear you loud and angry.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But he really didn't. Geoff soon discovered that Barry didn't care what Erica thought.
Geoff: Oh, no.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, Big Tasty's "Rocky Horror" party was very much on...
Geoff: Oh, no.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] ...and very well advertised.
Geoff: Oh, cuss word, no!
Barry: Oh, cuss word, yes, my high-strung friend.
Geoff: Barry, y-you can't!
Barry: And yet I have. I'm also doing this.
Geoff: Oh, no! This sweet autumn breeze will be the end of me!

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