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‘Parents Thursday’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: Parents Thursday

705. Parents Thursday

Aired October 23, 2019

Erica and Barry try to keep Beverly and Murray away from their college's Parents Weekend. Meanwhile, Adam gets the lead in a school production of Romeo & Juliet.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Gah!
Vic: I'm here to apologize. I may have said some untoward things about you being a goober, a spaz, a weenie, a total buttweed.
Adam: Yeah. I don't need a whole recap.
Vic: I also said that your flimsy, unformed child body was not only shapeless, but weak and gross.
Adam: I kinda have to get to class.
Vic: Additionally, I spoke of your manly prowess as a joke.
Adam: You know who you should really meet? Asha! Andrew!
Vic: Well, who in the hell is this smiling simpleton?
Adam: Okay, then. You three have fun.

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Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] The '80s sparked some of the most iconic couples ever! From Loni and Burt to Goldie and Kurt, if you acted together, you usually ended up together. And since my ex, Dana, had come back into my life, I secretly hoped the fall play would rekindle our romance.
Ms. Cinoman: Ladies and lords, hold on to your Tudor caps. Romeo and Juliet!
Adam: Yes! It's West Side Story without the fun music or Latino gangs.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: I haven't read it yet, but Carla's always saying how we're totally gonna end up like Romeo and Juliet.
Adam: Oh, boy.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: "O Schmoopie-o, Schmoopie-o, wherefore art thou, Schmoopie-o?"
Adam: Mom! Enough with the Schmoopie-o's!
Beverly: Shakespeare would love the way I talk.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Oh, [bleep].
Ren: Ooh, are we randomly cursing? Ass!
Erica: No. It's Parents Weekend.
Ren: I know. I'm stoked. Gene and Rita are taking me somewhere fancy to eat.
Erica: Gene and Rita? That's so informal. It's like you consider them people.
Ren: Yeah, my mom's a kickass defense attorney. She puts bad people back on the street. And, uh, my dad owns a couple restaurants in the city.
Erica: Wow, we have so much in common. I mean, my mom could have been a lawyer, and my dad owns something he calls restaurant pants.

Quote from Erica

Ren: I'm just so glad that my mom and dad aren't like those psycho parents that are in your face all the time.
Erica: Totally.
Ren: Holy crap. We should all grab brunch together this weekend.
Erica: That is... an idea. Here's the thing... They can never meet you.
Ren: What? Why not?
Erica: 'Cause they were, um... Lost at sea.
Ren: What?
Erica: Yeah, that's a real thing that I just told you from my mouth.
Ren: Oh, my God. Were they, like, on a cruise or something?
Erica: Yes. That makes the most sense. Yeah, they... They were cruising for a bruisin'... And they got one.

Quote from Adam

Asha: So, I have to ask... How'd you beat out Andrew Gallery?
Adam: If I had to guess, pure unbridled talent.
Ms. Cinoman: Wrong. In the play, Romeo is a confused 15-year-old. I thought Adam would be perfect because he still has the wildly underdeveloped body and crude acting of a young boy.
Adam: You honor me.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, Parents Thursday was a go. It all kicked off at the ladies' field hockey equipment closet.
Barry: If we had a key, you'd see a lot of sticks. Moving on.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And they did, to a sketchy burrito joint nine miles from campus.
Barry: We come here all the time. What the hell is a "kimi-conga"?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Of course, no school tour is complete without a stop at the dorm facilities room.
Barry: I push these buttons all the time. Beep, boop, beep, boop. [whirring]

Quote from Adam

Ms. Cinoman: Okay! All right! All right! No more! That's enough. That's enough. Adam, I knew you were the right choice, because that was sensuous.
Adam: Thanks, I think. We're children, so it's a little weird.
Ms. Cinoman: It was spicy, like a Cuban night.
Adam: That's not much better.
Ms. Cinoman: I mean, it's like I just came out of a Turkish sauna!

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: Dude, this is better than you could have ever imagined. All the kissing's making Dana crazy, and Asha's clearly into you now, too.
Adam: You think Asha's into me?
Dave Kim: Have you seen her notebook? It's got "AG" written all over it.
Adam: I'm "AG." I only signed up for this play to stop Dana from kissing that handsome douche, and now I'm the handsome douche.
Dave Kim: You're gonna be a theater department legend, right up there with that guy who freed all the cats during Cats, and then they couldn't catch all the cats, so now we can't do Cats anymore.

Quote from Geoff

Beverly: [singsong voice] Happy Parents Weekend.
Barry: Erica said you were upset, but your wrapped gifts and cheery tone say otherwise.
Erica: Not buying it. What's your game, Mom?
Beverly: I am a mom, strange girl, just not yours.
Geoff: She's pretending to not be your mom to get back at you.
Erica: Yeah, thanks, Geoff. Good add.
Geoff: Uh-huh.
Beverly: I'm just here to celebrate Parents Weekend with my one child who attends this university.
Geoff: She's wearing a sweater that's so sparkly and vindictive.
Erica: Why are you just saying the things we can all see?

Quote from Adam

Dana: Well, I'm definitely auditioning for Juliet.
Adam: And good luck, everyone else, 'cause you're a shoo-in, girlfriend. Friend that's a girl. Just girl. You know what you got.

Quote from Adam

Dave Kim: If Dana lands Juliet opposite Andrew Gallery, it will for sure turn into a showmance.
Adam: "Showmance"? Just because two beautiful teens spend hours together rehearsing and kissing in the most romantic play ever doesn't mean... Oh, balls, balls!
Dave Kim: Yep. That drab auditorium might as well be The Blue Lagoon, 'cause young love is afoot.
Adam: You're a foot.

Quote from Dave Kim

Adam: You know what? Maybe I'll try out for Romeo.
Dave Kim: Then you better start learning some Shakespeare. It's not exactly the easy-breezy dialogue from ALF.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You know who doesn't love the way you guys are talking? Vic and I.
Vic: I don't mind, Mur. [chuckles] My daughter's auditioning for that play.
Murray: Asha? She's like five years old.
Vic: Oh, she was... 11 years ago.
Adam: Well, tell Asha to break a leg.
Vic: I most certainly will not. The last thing I want is my sweet angel in some teen raunchfest.
Beverly: Raunchfest?
Vic: That Shakespeare was a grade-A horndog. There's no way I'm letting some hormonal Romeo smooch up my little princess.
Murray: Don't worry about this one landing the role. No offense.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Watch me perform Romeo's death by poison. Ohh! [imitates slurping] Thy drugs are quick. [groaning] Oh, no! Thus with a kiss, I die!
Beverly: With Mama's kiss, you live! No! If thou goest, then I go, too. Oh, give me that vial.
Murray: You two mind dying in the kitchen?

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Check it! I got another "A" on my sociology midterm.
Geoff: Another perfect grade? Your GPA is gonna look like Fonzie on a Friday... All "Aaays."
Erica: Yeah, I don't have time to acknowledge how lame that was.
Geoff: Come on, let's celebrate by going to one of the many fun hangs on this corkboard. Oh, no! A lost dog?
Erica: Snowball is fine, and so am I. No parties.
Geoff: But all you do is go from your dorm to the classroom and back to your dorm. I mean, get out there. Meet some people. And if you do, ask them if they've seen a bichon/pug mix who loves carrots.

Quote from Erica

Ren: Whoa! Whoa! Can't stop! Can't stop! Can't stop! Ugh! Ohh! Oh! I am so sorry. Are you okay? This is my first time riding a skateboard.
Erica: Yeah, well, a crowded, public space full of strangers is a perfect place to start.
Ren: Oh, God, here, take my sweater. Your knee is bleeding.
Erica: Wait. Is this cashmere? I don't want to ruin it with my knee blood.
Ren: It'll give it character. And then some cute guy is gonna come up to me, and he'll be like, "Hey, you got blood on your sweater," and I'll be like, "You're stupid." And then he'll be my boyfriend for a few weeks, and I will have you to thank.
Erica: Wow. You're, like, a lot.
Ren: Thanks! I'm Ren. It's short for Lauren.
Erica: I'm Erica. Or Ca? Yeah, that doesn't work. Um, well, it was nice to break your fall.
Ren: Don't look, but there is a guy over there who is majorly creeping on you.
Erica: Oh, yeah. That creeper's my boyfriend. He wants me to make a friend.
Ren: Tell him you did.

Quote from Erica

Ren: That must be so hard for you and your brother.
Barry: Cheggit! Package from Mom. Homemade fudgy crunch bars! [chuckles] Whoo! So fudgy in my mouth! How does it go down? So sticky!
Erica: Sweet, sad Barry. He just hasn't accepted it.
Ren: That is sad.

Quote from Adam

Dave Kim: Dude, you're Romeo.
Adam: I know, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: Romeo kisses Juliet!
Adam: I know, Dave Kim!
Dave Kim: And Dana is... Lady Montague?
Adam: Oh, no, Dave Kim. That means she's playing my...
Dana: Mom.
Adam: I mean, it could be worse.
Dana: Could it?
Adam: It's not like you're playing my actual mom. Even if you were, I've heard my dad say more than once that she's a handsome lady. And I'll shut up.

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