Beverly: Parents Thursday?
Murray: The hell's Parents Thursday?
Erica: Parents Thursday replaces Parents Weekend due to an emergency campus renovation.
Murray: Is the tuition going up?
Erica: No.
Murray: Suckers.

Barry: Silver lining... We have a small window of time this upcoming Thursday.
Erica: Evening. After dark.
Barry: We'll make it work.
Murray: I'm out. You know I don't drive after dark unless I like the place I'm going.
Erica: Rats. Well, Mom, keep in mind that this event is super last-minute, so most parents won't be there.
Beverly: Lucky me. I get my college schmoos and their campus all to myself.

Erica: And the final stop of our Parents Thursday tour, the majestic parking lot. All right, see you at Thanksgiving.
Beverly: Oh. Okay. [chuckles]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Success! Erica and Barry had pulled it off. [Beverly slams her car door] Or not.
Beverly: Parents [bleep] Thursday? Really?
Barry: She knows.
Erica: You know?
Beverly: Of course I know.

Barry: Erica made me do it! She's the mastermind. Barry good. Erica bad.
Erica: Mom, look, it's not a big deal. I just don't really want you here. You get it.
Beverly: I guess I do. I accept it.
Erica: What? But you never just accept it.
Beverly: Good evening, gentle daughter.
Erica: No, don't be cordial. What's your next move, lady? I need to know!
Barry: Oh, no, this is terrible! She has my burrito in her car!

Principal Ball: So, it's been brought to my attention that Ms. Cinoman has decided to put on an R-rated version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ms. Cinoman: It's just a kiss.
Vic: That is not how you described it.
Ms. Cinoman: The heat around them made the air buckle.
Vic: See? Teenage air-buckling and whatnot. Whatnot!

Murray: Excuse me. Why am I here?
Vic: Because your child is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Cinoman confirmed.
Ms. Cinoman: Turbulent blood did fill my heart.
Vic: Damn it, Mur. You agreed your son wasn't a threat. We even shared a chuckle about how wildly unmasculine he is.
Murray: Well, maybe the problem isn't my son. It's your daughter.
Vic: Asha was attacked by that four-eyed dorkus.
Murray: Whoa! "Dorkus"?
Vic: Oh, you heard me. The kid is a doof.

Principal Ball: I should really jump in here, or just see where this is going.
Vic: I forbid your son from stage-Frenching my daughter!
Murray: I forbid your daughter from stage-Frenching my son!
Ms. Cinoman: Is anyone else picking up on the irony of this situation? Rival families torn apart by their children's love.
Principal Ball: Just say the words, Susan.
Ms. Cinoman: This is Romeo and Juliet.
Murray: Nobody's ever heard of that show.

Vic: What are you even talking about? I demand you cancel the play, Principal Bald.
Principal Ball: It's Ball. And I would if I could, but the community-service kids are already painting sets.
Vic: Then I demand you remove all the romance kissing and... and... and randy language.
Principal Ball: I could do that.
Ms. Cinoman: Earl! You can't rewrite Shakespeare!
Principal Ball: One would think, but look at me go. Bye-bye, that bit.
Ms. Cinoman: Please. Now they're just star-crossed pals?
Principal Ball: Let's play it safe and make 'em star-crossed business colleagues.

Barry: Okay, shouldn't you be celebrating? You don't have to spend the weekend with Mom.
Erica: No! You think that she's just gonna let Parents Thursday go? She's coming for me. She's coming hard. [knock on door]
Beverly: [o.s.] It's your mama!
Erica: Lady Vengeance has come.
Geoff: Oh, no. Your dread was justified.

Beverly: And you should know that I'm not done by a long shot.
Erica: Whatever. Your lame attempt to divide us won't work. The sibling bond is stronger than any... [notices Barry wearing the sweater] What the hell, dude?
Barry: Sorry, strange girl, but material goods and homemade treats have won me over. These have peanut butter!
Geoff: And butterscotch.
Beverly: Who's ready to be spoiled by Mama?
Barry: Me.