Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, this is 100% true. My oldest sibling snuck off on a romantic getaway and actually did this to my dad's car.
Erica: Oh, God!
Geoff: What are we gonna do? Cars don't just fall off cliffs at scholastic award shows!
Erica: Forget the awards! My dad's car just rolled off a cliff!
Geoff: Oh, my dad's gonna kill me! Please make sure some nice lady gets my eyes! Promise me!

Mr. Crosby: You wanted to see me, Earl?
Principal Ball: Ah, there's my favorite shop teacher.
Mr. Crosby: We should cut the chitchat. I have 63 birdhouses to grade.
Principal Ball: See, that is just the kind of statement that leads me to believe you're the perfect man to help me out-
Mr. Crosby: With?
Principal Ball: I want to get rid of the baseball team.
Mr. Crosby: Sure.
Principal Ball: See, Coach Mellor's departure has left the team in shambles.
Mr. Crosby: Sure.
Principal Ball: They're so bad that even the school paper has stopped trying to spin the losses. If our team keeps playing like hot garbage, I could convince the board to drop the program and spend that money fixing our budgeting issues.
Mr. Crosby: Sure.
Principal Ball: Which is why you're gonna be our new baseball coach.
Mr. Crosby: What? I don't know anything about the game. All I played growing up were timber sports.
Principal Ball: Timber sports?
Mr. Glascott: Log rolling, speed felling, speed whittling, speed sanding.
Principal Ball: Yeah, you help me lose and that absurd radial arm saw you have been requesting is all yours.
Mr. Crosby: Batter up.
Principal Ball: I have taken the liberty of tracking down some new recruits for the team. They all happen to be students who have been dodging their athletic requirements, if you catch my drift. Good luck.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, Mr. Crosby set out to assemble the worst high-school team of all time.

Mr. Crosby: That is a wrap on whatever the hell this is. Get your hands and feet to the gym, boys.
[later:]
All right, you've died of dysentery. Time to play sports.
Matt Schernecke: Can I save my-
Mr. Crosby: Go! Get your ass to the gym. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
[later:]
Mr. Crosby: Come with me, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: Is this about my birdhouse? I need an extension.
[later:]
Mr. Crosby: David Sirota, Jessie Wudders, stop playing pretend government and start playing real baseball.
Jessie Wudders: But I only own penny loafers.
Mr. Crosby: This is gonna be easier than I thought.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Needless to say, my brother wasn't thrilled with our team's new rookies.

Barry: I don't get it. We haven't won a game all season. Now they're hamstringing us with you turds?
Adam: Hey, we don't wanna be here either.
Barry: And what are you wearing?
Matt Scherneke: Coach was a uniform short, so I'm wearing my costume from Damn Yankees.

Mr. Crosby: Okay, listen up, team. There's been some changes to the starting lineup. Shortstop Dave Kim.
Barry: No! He's, like, the worst Dave Kim of all the Dave Kims.
Mr. Crosby: Moving on. Playing right field, Adam Goldberg.
Barry: What? He's got a lazy eye and the body to match.
Adam: Normally, I'd object but I'm desperate here. Look at it. These eyes cannot catch a baseball.
Andy: Oh, God. Put back on the corrective lenses, man. Please.

Lou Schwartz: The Eastern Pennsylvania Scholastic Achievement Awards? That's fantastic, but it doesn't surprise me my Geoffrey is receiving such an honor.
Erica: Well, it's really an award for you, too. You raised a smarty.
Lou Schwartz: Take some videos.
Erica: Okay, well, we'll see ya when we see ya.

Principal Ball: Boys are looking lousy out there, Crosby. Good coaching. Whoa. Kremp can actually play.
Mr. Crosby: Yeah, that's on me. Kid was making a weird movie with Goldberg. I made some assumptions. Kremp, you're benched for showboating. Penny loafer, you're in.
Jessie Wudders: In my defense, I have cleats, but you insisted I wear these.
Mr. Crosby: Uh-huh. Move it, penny loafer.
Jessie Wudders: Can I just stand in the grass area? They're getting all dusty.
Mr. Crosby: Yeah, you do what you need to do, kid.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And the cherry on top of our suck sundae, my brother's pitching.

Erica: Anyway, I'm sorry about the bending the truth thing. It probably won't happen again.
Lou Schwartz: The only reason Geoff is in this mess is because of your terrible influence, and it stops now. This relationship is over.
Erica: What?
Geoff: You can't break up with my girlfriend. Wait, can you? Can he?
Erica: I don't know. I've never been in this situation before.
Lou Schwartz: Let's go, son.

Barry: Damn it! I'll prove how good I am right now! Who's got a ball?
Matt Schernecke: I've got a tangerine. But it's supposed to be for emergency dips in my blood sugar.
Barry: This is an emergency.
Adam: What are you doing?
Barry: I'm gonna throw this little embarrassing emergency orange at you so you can feel how much I don't suck. [thuds on wall]
Matt: Dude. We're being Major League'd.

Matt: What are we gonna do?
Adam: I'll tell you what. We're gonna Major League 'em right back. 'Cause in the end, it turns out that ragtag bunch of losers win it all! And so will we!
Barry: Or we put all our faith in our amazing pitcher to take us to the championship. Wild Thing. Look alive, Schernecke. [thud, sighs] Okay, we can just go with his thing.