Murray: The trick is to take a nugget of truth, and you spin it a little. You do play a lot of sports, right?
Barry: Hockey, wrestling, football.
Murray: Moron, if you played a bunch of sports, why aren't any of them on your college resume?
Barry: A variety of reasons, but mostly 'cause of unsuccessful tryouts.
Murray: So you played all three for a little bit, so you're at least a three-letter varsity player, and an MVP.
Barry: I never won MVP.
Murray: You never won Most Valuable Player, but "MVP" could stand for anything.
Barry: Like Magic Velvet Pants?
Murray: Who wins Magic Velvet Pants?
Barry: I don't know. A genie? Should we put down that I'm a genie, too?

Murray: Let's move on. So we covered sports. What about community service?
Barry: I guess I am in the community when I'm walking around the community.
Murray: Wow, sounds like you're the head of a neighborhood watch.
Barry: And I do shout at dogs sometimes.
Murray: Seems to me that you train service animals.
Barry: I think I'm getting the hang of this, like that one time I played checkers with Pops. I was basically volunteering with sad, old veterans.
Murray: Perfect, throw more at me!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, my dad spun all of my brother's antics into resume gold. His bad BMX-ing became-
Murray: School cycling team.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Goofing off in the gymnasium became-
Murray: Gymnast!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Trying to eat an apple in one bite became-
Murray: Head of the Isaac Newton Society.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Doing whatever this is became-
Murray: Gravity experiments elective.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Just walking became-
Murray: Hall monitor!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] His lifelong obsession with Donkey Kong became-
Murray: Unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And dressing as a pirate became-
Murray: Pirate!

Barry: Read it and weep, suckers.
Naked Rob: What's this?
Barry: Oh. Just the best college resume ever assembled.
Matt: Three-letter varsity athlete? Captain of the diving team? Geology club? Dude, you didn't do any of these things.
Geoff: It says you're the treasurer of the Model UN?
Barry: I once gave that foreign kid who smells like beets a quarter to buy a donut, so that pretty much makes me official treasurer of the Model UN.
Geoff: Except you're not 'cause I am! In the name of Luxembourg, I declare war on your lies! We don't have a real army, so it's more of a symbolic gesture.

Erica: There she is, ready to fold my intimates. Put down the basket. We need to talk.
Beverly: Erica, it's fine. I don't need to be a real lawyer.
Erica: Okay, forget law, but there's so many other things that you're good at, so let's pick one of those and make it your thing.
Beverly: Okay, like what?
Erica: I'm glad you asked, because I made this. A list of potential dream jobs tailored to your very talents. For instance, diplomat.
Beverly: Well, I do have a way of helping people to get what I want them to think they want.

Murray: Here he is, the future of Tufts!
Mike: Murray, you may be right, if this resume is to be believed.
Murray: And it is! I'm gonna get you guys some cookies.
Mike: Hydrox, if you got 'em! Hydrox is the Oreo of our people.

Erica: I gotta admit, even if the whole thing is aggressively pointless, it's kind of cool you actually made a difference.
Beverly: You know, this is really important to me, and I am damn tired of your sass mouth!
Erica: No sass. I know how hard it is to get things done. I mean, I've been working on one song for the last three months, and so far, all I've got is... [singing] Something, something, something And your friend Andre And that is not good. I mean, who the hell is Andre?
Pops: I think it's catchy.
Erica: Point is, I'm proud of you.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After cleaning, couponing, and complaining, my mom sped off to do her favorite thing... Shopping and errands. Yep, Beverly Goldberg was an unstoppable force.
Beverly: [crashing sound] Damn it! What is wrong with you? Nobody stops at that stop sign!

Barry: Buenos dias, jota-te-pe!
All: Jota-te-pe!
Matt: Are we doing Spanish now?
Barry: Elshut up-o, Mateo Bradley! entleman, I know I've been distracted by the whole Lainey drama, but fear not, JTP. I'm once again ready to sit upon my throne as your unstable leader. My first decree, we shall playeth Smashball.

Geoff: Ooh, we'd love to, but it's crunch time for college applications.
Barry: Oh Right. College. We are seniors, so that would be happening right around now, wouldn't it?
Andy: Dude, don't tell us the whole Lainey thing distracted you from applying to college.
Barry: No! Don't be so stupid, Matt Bradley!
Matt: But I didn't even say-
Barry: Bup-bup-bup-bup! Just out of curiosity, tell me everything about this application process so I know you're doing it right.