Erica: Why the hell did you steal Christmas? How the hell did you steal Christmas?
Geoff: Well, it wasn't easy. I went in her room and saw those candy canes hung in a row. "These candy canes," I said, "are the first things to go."
Erica: Okay, so you're gonna do the whole Dr. Seuss rhyming thing?
Geoff: I'm just trying to stay on theme.
Erica: Alright, well, keep going until I figure out how to punch you without leaving a bruise.
Geoff: I slithered and slunk.
Erica: Slunk?
Geoff: But with a smile most pleasant, I went around the room and I took every present.
Erica: Sure, but how did you manage to get the tree out of there without anyone noticing?
Geoff: That was a toughie 'cause I ran into a little setback.
[flashback:]
Virginia Kremp: Geoff, why are you taking out the Christmas tree?
Geoff: [v.o.] But you know me. I'm smart and I'm slick. So I thought up a lie and I thought it up quick.
Geoff: [outloud] 'Cause I got an even better one.
Virginia Kremp: Oh, okay. Great!
Geoff: Seasons greetings.

Beverly: Can someone explain to me the meaning of this?
Erica: Aww! Aww. It's Mrs. Claus. Squeeze her cookie-baking hand. ["Deck the Halls" plays]
Geoff: What a delight. Is that a xylophone or a marimba?
Beverly: What it is is sacrilege. We are a Hanukkah family!
Erica: Calm down, Golda Meir. The baby just likes her because she's soft. It's no biggie.
Beverly: By placing Santa's gal pal in the crib of my grandschmoo, you are disrespecting the holiday of our people.
Erica: Please. You don't even know what Hanukkah's about.
Beverly: Of course I do!
Erica: Yeah, I'm not talking about the menorah or the inflatable dreidel on the lawn that Barry always ends up getting in a fight with. I mean the real story of Hanukkah.
Beverly: Let me just gather my thoughts for a minute because I have so many specific, clear ones.

Beverly: Boys, tell Erica the true meaning of Hanukkah.
Adam: No problem.
Barry: Easy peasy. It begins in ancient times. Moses led our people to the championships. And I'm not talking about Moses Malone. This guy couldn't even dunk.
Adam: No. It all started because there were some bad dudes being jerks to our distant and let's be honest, gross and sweaty ancestors.
Barry: A beard in the desert? No, thank you.
Geoff: Such a bad start.
Adam: I don't want to get bogged down in the details.
Erica: I think it's safe to say you didn't.
Barry: Don't forget, our good guys received a huge treasure of chocolate money, and they were like, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This tastes good."
Geoff: Wow. Just wow.
Beverly: By the way, Erica, the money is called gelt.

Linda Schwartz: Maybe Muriel could have a little bit of Christmas.
Beverly: My cousin's gynecologist's daughter celebrated Christmas once and got all caught up in the spirit. Well, she fell off a ladder hanging ornaments, broke her pelvis, and now she water-skis from a special chair.
Linda Schwartz: So she's still kinda doing it?
Lou Schwartz: Our people don't water-ski, Linda! I don't care how many pelvises you have.

Erica: What a fun little distraction from the real question. Why did you do it?
Geoff: Erica, I know Christmas is wonderful. Everyone knows Christmas is wonderful. But it's not who we are.
Erica: But it can be.
Geoff: Why? Because you want to throw it in our parents' faces, or because it's actually meaningful to you?
Erica: What if the throwing it in their faces is what's meaningful?
Geoff: [scoffs] Look, I know I haven't always been the most observant, but our traditions matter to me, and I thought they mattered to you, too.
Erica: They do.
Geoff: Well, I want Muriel to be raised like we were. Because she's part of us.
Erica: The best part of us. Okay, so our baby won't be a Christmas kid. But can we at least use some of the presents for her first Hanukkah?
Geoff: Oh, you mean these? [presents fall out as Geoff opens the closet door]
Erica: Worst Grinch ever.

Beverly: What the hell am I looking at? Are you bedazzling?!
Erica: It's for the baby. Check it!
Beverly: "I love you a latke." Oh! My perfect angel is so clever!
Erica: And on the back...
Beverly: "Oy to the world!" So many puns. I am dying from holiday happiness.
Erica: Yeah. I did learn from the best.
Beverly: You cherish and honor me. But your sewing is crap. Give it to me. I'll redo it and make five more.

Erica: Okay, great work, everyone. Proud moment for our people. We're officially keeping Lady Santa.
Beverly: Um, I'm the only homemaker of the holiday season. ["Deck the Halls" plays]
Adam: Aww, it wouldn't be Hanukkah without a physical altercation.
Barry: 'Tis the season for mother-daughter wrestling.
Geoff: I also bought a dreidel. Anyone?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was December 7, 1980-something, and it was closing time at the diner.
Adam: Man, I only made 17 bucks in tips tonight.
Johnny Atkins: Happy holidays from Reagan's America. 'Sup with you and Carmen?
Adam: Oh, I- I don't know. We haven't talked that much since that night I slept at her place.
Johnny Atkins: You slept over and didn't talk to her after? Bro. I have never respected you before this moment.
Adam: I- I just passed out on her couch. Oh, no! Maybe she's upset because I didn't fold the blanket after. What a rude house guest!
Johnny Atkins: Dude. You literally ruin every story, even the interesting ones.

Adam: Hey, Carmen. What's good... in the hood?
Carmen: [chuckles] Now, I feel like we haven't talked in a while.
Adam: Well, I guess things have been busy, what with the holidays and the excitement about the closing of the calendar year. [Carmen kisses Adam] Whoa. [chuckles] Uh, what was that for?
Carmen: Mistletoe.
Adam: Oh! Thank you, magical Christmas vegetation!
Carmen: [laughs] You are too cute.

Adam: So, um, you think, uh, maybe and you're free to say no, I won't be upset. I mean, I will, but that's not your problem-
Carmen: Are you asking me out?
Adam: Yyyyy-nnnnnnn... Yes?
Carmen: [laughs] It took you long enough. Well, first eggnog's on me because people have been crazy generous with their tips.
Adam: I don't mean to objectify you, but I think you're being rewarded because you're so pretty.
Carmen: You think I'm pretty?
Adam: Oh, wow, I was accidentally smooth. I mean... Yeah, girl. [Carmen laughs] You fine.
Carmen: Shh. Mistletoe. [Adam kisses Carmen]