Barry: Barkeep, a round of your least-finest tequila.
Andy: Drinky-drink!
Geoff: Uh, ma'am, pull back one of those tequilas and set me up with a tall milk.
Barry: Milk? But how will you make bad decisions and say things you regret?
Geoff: What if Erica calls with a baby emergency?
Barry: Like what?
Geoff: Like she says her first word, but it's a full sentence, and it's complicated and disturbing, like, "Why does God allow pain to exist?"
Naked Rob: Maybe the answer is in this shot glass.
Barry: Put 'em back, boys and dairy lovers.

Beverly: There's my Andrew Lloyd Treasure.
Adam: Flowers typically are given after we open.
Beverly: Oh, I don't need an occasion to throw roses to my maestro. Next stop, Broadway. Next, next stop, the Tony Awards. And then I corner Streisand and force her to be best friends, and then we swap clothes, and she gets all jealous because I wore them better.
Adam: Probably none of that, but thanks for believing in me, Mama.
Beverly: Aww, it's what a good mama does. Pulls her baby back from the dinner-theater abyss and lets him shine again in front of a room full of children.
Adam: Ignoring the specifics, I really think this might be the greatest thing I've ever made.
Beverly: Well, you're the greatest thing I've ever made, right here, in my Adam factory.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I was feeling on top of the world, Barry was trying to get to the bottom of what was going on with Geoff.
Barry: My sister has challenged us to become more like Geoff.
Naked Rob: Kind and inquisitive?
Andy: Obsessively law-abiding?
Matt: Afraid to be on a balcony?
Barry: I'm talking about knowing what it's like to have a baby.
Naked Rob: No, not your birds-and-bees speech again. It's uncomfortable, and it's mostly wrong.

Barry: Surprise! We Three Men and a Baby -ed your daughter! But with four men.
Naked Rob: At one point, it was five men 'cause the pizza delivery guy used your bathroom.
Geoff: Erica, I thought you said you got a babysitter?
Erica: I did. The JTP. So they could see what you're going through.
Andy: And we definitely did! We woke up Muriel just to see what parents have to deal with.
Geoff: You woke her up?!
Barry: To feed her, bro. For future reference, she is not a fan of black forest cake.
Geoff: What are you talking about?
Naked Rob: It's a rich chocolate sponge cake with cream and cherry filling.
Geoff: I know what a black forest cake is! But that's not meant for a newborn, you dopes!
Barry: Whoa! We were just learning to be dads, like Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson, and Magnum, P.I.
Andy: And now we totally get everything you were boring us with. We're the same as you, Geoff.
Geoff: No, you're not! I'm worried about Muriel every second... for good reason, apparently... while you guys don't have a care in the world!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While things were cooling off with Geoff and the JTP, the drama with Blade Runner: The Musical was just heating up.
Principal Ball: We have a major problem. Adam's musical is causing an uproar.
Beverly: Everybody's talking about it, especially since I took out that full-page ad in the Jenkintown Gazette.
Principal Ball: I read that, and I seriously doubt that Rex Reed said, "Look out! Broadway has another Schmoo!" Plus, he's already burned through the entire theater budget for the year. I'm canceling the senior trip to Maryland.
Andrea: Oh, hell no! Mama needs her crab cakes.
Principal Ball: And the parents are in a real tizzy. One's asking, "Why does our daughter have to run through a plate glass window?"
Beverly: That's just breakaway glass. We practiced with Barry at home, and he was mostly fine.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, I was a creative force. I directed mini-blockbusters...
Adam: I'll fix it in post.
Adult Adam: ... starred in school plays, and wrote masterpieces late into the night. But that changed when I got a job. I was a singing waiter at a '50s diner, which meant my only creative outlet was this.
All: ♪ On the islands, there's no ifs, ands, or buts ♪ ♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪
Adult Adam: Yeah, it was the same song and dance, but I gave it my all... [alarm blaring] ... every day.
Adam: ♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪
Adult Adam: Every single day.
Adam: ♪ Coconuts ♪
Adult Adam: Like every one of them.
Adam: ♪ ...conuts ♪
Adult Adam: Even my mom saw the light dying in my eyes, so she did what always worked... inspired me with a grand purchase.

Geoff: Should we talk about next week? Maybe a wine bar? I pour a heavy Grigio.
Barb: Erica, it's time to have that conversation.
Geoff: Okay, well, bye, Barb. Bye, Trish. What's this conversation everyone's saying we're due for?
Barbara: Bye, Erica. [door closes]
Erica: Look, sweetie...
Geoff: Is it about Trish's postpartum night sweats? 'Cause maybe don't overshare so much, girlfriend. Gosh, I'm so glad we have this group to make us feel not so alone.
Erica: Yeah. Can you take the baby for her nap, please?
Geoff: Diaper and nap duty in one day? Sign me up!

Barry: Ha-ha! Your husband ruined your dumb lady group.
Erica: Did you make yourself a campfire treat?
Barry: The microwave makes the marshmallows crazy sticky, much like the situation you find yourself in.
Erica: I know. It's a mom group, and he's not a mom. Figure it out, my guy.
Barry: Blech! 12 s'mores is one too many.
Erica: But I just don't have the heart to tell him that no one wants him here. Maybe you can?
Barry: Well, I'd happily break his heart into a million pieces, but you asked me, so now I don't wanna.
Erica: Come on. Just take him to hang with the JTP.
Barry: Well, it is Andy Cogan's birthday.
Erica: Yes, do that.

Geoff: She went right down. Barbara's intermittent rocking technique totally helped. I can't wait to tell everyone at our parent group.
Erica: Mom group.

Beverly: Well, the choice is clear. It's Adam, and nobody else wants the job.
Andrea: I can do it. I spent four years studying at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London.
Beverly: Adam accepts.
Dr. Katman: And I absolutely adore gourds. Plus, I minored in theater, which is a major accomplishment.
Principal Ball: You are all way more qualified than I imagined.
Beverly: Yeah, but it's gonna be my Schmoo, or so help me, I will burn this school to ashes with all of you in it.
Dr. Katman: I withdraw.
Andrea: Not worth it.
Mr. Glascott: I have no doubt she would do it.
Beverly: Ah! Yay! My boy earned his place, and all of you support him.