Barry: Now take the old man away! By force, if necessary.
Virginia Kremp: No, I'm not comfortable with that.
Essie Karp: On it.
Pop-Pop: Please, no! They drink milk with dinner, and everyone has to stay at the table till they're finished.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] No, the Flyers weren't always victorious, but when they lost, well, there was a perfectly good reason for it.
Barry: Wait a second. [picks up a lone yellow M&M] How the hell did this get in there?
Beverly: Wait, wh... How did that get in there? [grunts] It's so weird.
Barry: Don't worry, Mama. We're gonna win this, and when we do, it's gonna be the best thing that's ever happened to me... and therefore you.
Beverly: Oh, for sure. Your happiness is absolutely my only priority.
[cut to:]
Beverly: Vic, we're gonna make the Flyers lose.
Vic: Oh, good. I was waiting for you to come up with a practical solution.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Lou and Linda were trying to psych themselves up for another day with Muriel, but it wasn't going great.
Linda Schwartz: Okay, we have been doing nothing with the baby for a while.
Lou Schwartz: The ice is doing bupkus for my swollen feet.
Linda Schwartz: I think that that's just how they are, sweetie.
Lou Schwartz: I don't need judgment. And what are you drinking?
Linda Schwartz: This is a sports-themed beverage. It's going to give me Michael Jordan's ability to not die while pushing a stroller.
Lou Schwartz: Let me sample this neon juice. [chuckles] [smacks lips] Dammit, that's nice on the tongue.
Linda Schwartz: I drank three of these yellow boys, and I just want to lay on the floor.
Lou Schwartz: But we promised the kids we'd take the baby apple picking.
Linda Schwartz: If only there were some magical shortcut that didn't involve our limbs.
Lou Schwartz: Why schlep all over Philadelphia when all we need is the evidence that we did? Grab an apple, hold the baby in front of the ficus. And boom, we're apple picking!
Linda Schwartz: Brilliant! But how are we going to pretend that we went to the pool at the JCC?
Lou Schwartz: Fill the damn tub, Linda. Why do I have to be both the brains and the brawn?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While the Schwartzes weren't above using trick photography, my mom was about to sink to a new low.
Beverly: Hello there, Mr. Flyers General Manager.
General Manager: How did you get in here?
Beverly: Oh. Just one of my many charming attributes. I'm Beverly Goldberg, matriarch of the first family of Jenkintown and part owner of the Ottoman Empire furniture store.
General Manager: Oh, yeah. I'm about to get my money back from a bedroom set I bought there.
Vic: The hell you will.
Beverly: Mr. General Manager, what is the one thing we know for sure about Flyers fans?
General Manager: Win or lose, they set things on fire?
Beverly: Exactly. They're an understanding bunch. So if they knew that a local mom-and-pop shop was in trouble and that one teensy-weensy loss from the Flyers would solve all their problems... heck, don't you think those fans would root for you to lose?
General Manager: Are you crazy? Our fans want us to win, no matter what.

Vic: Beverly, I told you he'd be unreasonable.
Beverly: Relax, Vic. We're on to plan B. Would you please pass this casserole along to the team for me?
General Manager: It seems like you want the Flyers to lose, so you're gonna poison our players?
Beverly: He's onto us.
Vic: [eats casserole] Wait, what?
Beverly: Vic, you're not supposed to eat the casserole.
Vic: I'm not making good choices this year.
General Manager: Please leave.
Beverly: Thank you for your time.

Lou Schwartz: Now, take an impossibly quick look at the pic of her at the Liberty Bell.
Geoff: Why does it look like you guys just held her up in front of a Taco Bell magazine ad?
Linda Schwartz: Next pic. The apple orchard.
Geoff: Okay, that's clearly the ficus I got you for your birthday. W- What's going on?
Linda Schwartz: Geoffrey, climb out of our asses.
Lou Schwartz: Because our tireless bodies are completely capable of anything.

Erica: You know what? I think you faked these pictures, and I think you don't have the energy to take care of our child.
Lou Schwartz: I can't believe you'd accuse us of such a thing.
Geoff: Okay, Dad, do a single jumping jack.
Lou Schwartz: Excuse me?
Geoff: Prove to us that you have the energy. Just do one jumping jack.
Lou Schwartz: Easy-peasy.
Linda Schwartz: Do it, hon. Just blast out a double J and show these fools!
[Lou raises one arm cautiously, then swings the other up before grabbing his back and wobbling about]
Lou Schwartz: Fine! We faked it! This "go get 'em" lifestyle is unsustainable!
Linda Schwartz: I'm sorry. We just love our granddaughter and want to spend more time with her.
Erica: Sure, sure. We'll see.
Linda Schwartz: That means no.
Lou Schwartz: We lost, Linda.
Geoff: I'll see you two out.
Lou Schwartz: Yeah, you're gonna have to because we need help getting into the car.

Barry: How bad is it?
Beverly: It's not bad. Just a... a teensy-tiny smidge of a bother.
Barry: Vic, how bad?
Vic: Interesting question. [turns around and walks out] [Barry sighs]
Beverly: Okay, here it is. If the Flyers win tomorrow, we will definitely lose our house and everything in it.
Barry: Well, this is quite disappointing.
Beverly: I know you want your team to win.
Barry: No, the idea that you couldn't tell me. Do you really think I'm such a child I couldn't handle it?
Beverly: I mean, you do tend to be emotionally... gifted.
Barry: I may care deeply about the Flyers, but believe it or not, I care about my family more.
Beverly: Barry...
Barry: Don't. I'll be upstairs, not watching the game I love.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and no matter the outcome, Barry couldn't win. But my mom refused to go down without a fight.
Beverly: You were right. I should have been honest with you. You are definitely old enough to handle it.
Barry: Damn right I am.
Beverly: It's just I kinda don't want you to be. You're all adults now, which means you don't need me to protect you from the world.
Barry: Mom. Look at me. We don't need you.
Beverly: I saw that going a different way.
Barry: We don't need you as much. But you're still our mom, and we'll always need you a little. Just not the whole ginormous you.
Beverly: Thank you. And no matter what happens with the game, you got the Flyers three victories in the Stanley Cup Finals.
Barry: You really think I did that?
Beverly: Of course you did. You're magical, Barry Goldberg. [chuckles] [hugs Barry]

Barry: Okay, we're gonna do the exact opposite of everything we've done. Mom, I'm gonna need you to make a boatload of blue food.
Beverly: I'm on it.
Barry: Pop-Pop, you can now set up right in front of the TV.
Pop-Pop: Don't move... my favorite thing to do.
Barry: Adam, you can now drink water and change your underwear.
Adam: I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say I already did.
Barry: And, Vic, since today is opposite day, I have something to say to you as an Oilers fan. I respect you as a man.
Vic: Okay, this part seems unnecessary.
Barry: Finally, there's one more thing.
[All gasp as Barry unzips his jacket to reveal an Oilers sweater]
Barry: It burns my skin, but it's for my family!