Barry: Here you go, buddy. All your stupid robots, safe and sound. Go ahead, kiss them like I'm not here.
Adam: First, I don't need your permission to show my affection. And second, where the hell is Bumblebee?
Barry: Oh, is that the yellow one?
Adam: Tell me now where he is! He's my most specialest.
Barry: Believe me, I know. I've seen the way you look at him. Not okay. But he's safe and sound and will continue to be, as long as you do a few minor things for me.
Adam: I think you're bluffing.
Barry: Was I bluffing when I melted your Boba Fett or sawed your Speak & Spell in half to see who was talking in there?
Adam: Just tell me what you want.

Lou Schwartz: There's our granddaughter we never see. Look at her, Linda. She's all grown up.
Linda Schwartz: Does she even remember who we are? Muriel, I'm your father's mother.
Geoff: I get it. You'd like to see her more, but she's here now. So, what fun and exciting things are you gonna do with her today?
Linda Schwartz: We're in the middle of a 15-part documentary on the Civil War.
Lou Schwartz: But we wouldn't mind starting over for the baby. Your mother slept through all of the burning of Atlanta.
Geoff: Maybe less sitting on the couch, being horrified, and more being out in the world?
Linda Schwartz: Well, your father is getting into still-life photography.
Lou Schwartz: I bet Muriel would love to see my "Fruits of the Americas" series. The light dancing on a plum will make you think there's a God.
Geoff: Pictures of second-tier fruit? That's all you got?
Linda Schwartz: Why are you yelling at us?
Geoff: Because Erica has this idea that you guys don't do a lot with the baby, and frankly, she's right.
Lou Schwartz: We do all sorts of stuff. Linda, get my keys. And throw caution to the wind. Grab the wooden spoon, too.

Geoff: Take her to a museum, to the park, to swim. And take some photos of your granddaughter, not purple fruit.
Lou Schwartz: Plums actually come in a variety of hues.
Geoff: Yes, they are a beautiful and diverse species, but now is not the time.
Linda Schwartz: I think we get it. [hands Lou the wooden spoon] Right, Lou?
Lou Schwartz: For sure.
Linda Schwartz: Mm-hmm.
Lou Schwartz: Just like the Union soldiers at Bull Run, we will not let you down.
Geoff: They lost that one.
Lou Schwartz: Huh? I guess I fell asleep, too.
Linda Schwartz: Mm-hmm.
Lou Schwartz: Plum juice is also a sedative.
Geoff: Be better.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Geoff convinced his parents to get off the couch, Vic was shooing people away from them.
Vic: Whatever you do, do not buy that sofa bed. It is shoddily made by child laborers and filled with asbestos and mercury.
Beverly: Uh, Vic?
Vic: Hmm?
Beverly: I'm no salesman, but what the [bleep] are you doing?
Vic: I'm freaking out. That's what I'm doing. It's all because of that stupid commercial.
Beverly: Commercial?
Vic: You really don't know? Oh, Beverly, come and witness the horror. [dramatic music plays] The horror.

Vic: [on video] Hello, Greater Philadelphia. Do you love the Flyers? Because I... I know I do.
Vic: I'm from Edmonton, a lifelong Oilers fan.
Vic: [on video] The Ottoman Empire is so committed to seeing our Flyers go all the way that we promise to give you 100% back on your purchase if our boys win the Stanley Cup.
Essie Karp: [on video] A hundred percent?! That's all the percents!
Vic: [on video] That's right, random loyal customer whom I've never met. We'll give you a full refund on items such as... bureaus... headboards... Ow. ... or the bean bag of your dreams. So come on down to the Ottoman Empire and get your furniture for free! [remote clicks]
Beverly: All their money back? Why would you say such a thing?
Vic: I gotta say it brought in a lot of people, but against all odds, the Flyers just kept winning.
Beverly: So we lose a couple of bucks. How bad can it be?
Vic: If we have to give all that money back, there's no way that we're gonna be able to keep the store afloat.
Beverly: But my son needs his team to win.
Vic: Your son needs his mama to keep a roof over her head!
Beverly: Stop yelling at me! You're the one that threw us into financial chaos.
Vic: I... I'm sorry. I... I... I'm not doing well. My hair is turning white! What are we gonna do?
Beverly: For one thing, you are gonna keep your mouth shut. Barry cannot know any of this. And who knows? Maybe the Flyers will lose.
Vic: You're right. It could be okay. It will be okay. [chuckles]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Vic was in big trouble, Lou and Linda had no trouble at all showing their granddaughter a good time.
Linda Schwartz: We've triumphantly returned!
Erica: From a day on the couch? Nice.
Lou Schwartz: Au contraire, Erica. We adventured to The Academy of Natural Sciences and saw a T. rex.
Linda Schwartz: Both Muriel and Lou were terrified.
Lou Schwartz: God destroyed those demons for a reason.
Geoff: Guys, I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Linda Schwartz: Well, prepare yourself to be wowed because we also took her to the zoo.
Lou Schwartz: And the "Rocky Steps."
Erica: Wow. You sort of did it.
Geoff: And perhaps they're worthy of a little more of Muriel's time and attention?
Erica: They really are. I mean, look at her. She is zonked from her amazing day out. I'm gonna go put her down.
Geoff: Well done, guys.

Linda Schwartz: [both sigh] Oh, my God. That was the longest day of my life.
Lou Schwartz: Who walks that much? Blood is filling my socks.
Linda Schwartz: And the sun. It sucked me dry like a juice box.
Lou Schwartz: This is how it ends. I can say it now. I never liked your sister.
Erica: Oh, you guys are still here?
Lou Schwartz: Just basking in the glory of our magical day.
Erica: About that... Muriel's free again tomorrow if you want another day of fun in the sun.
Lou Schwartz: Tomorrow? The shortest amount of time possible between now and forever?
Geoff: This is a pretty big step, you guys. So what do you say?
Linda Schwartz: Happy to do it.
Lou Schwartz: Our pleasure. [Lou and Linda chuckle] We are so [bleep] Linda.
Linda Schwartz: I know it.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Lou and Linda were tormented by their win, Barry's Flyers were heading for a loss.
Barry: No! [sighs] [Beverly dances] Mom, what are you doing? We lost.
Beverly: Right. We did lose. Um, and I'm so upset that I feel like I need to dance away the pain.
Barry: We all grieve differently, I guess.
Beverly: Indeed.Well, ugh, the dancing worked. So now that it's all over, I guess we can go back to our lives of financial stability, huh?
Barry: Oh, it's not over. This is just the first game. It's a best-of-seven series.
Beverly: So, you're saying the Flyers actually have a shot at winning?
Barry: You know it. I'm as hopeful as you.
Beverly: Yes, I'm hopeful. You're hopeful. Who cares about the specifics?

Adam: More importantly, this proves all your silly superstitions had zero effect, so I'm just gonna drink some agua and freshen up my BVDs.
Barry: Oh, not so fast. Stop being such a prima donna. In 12 days, you can drink as much water as you want.
Adam: My underwear isn't holding up to the rigorous grind of a young man in the world. I had a homeless gentleman move away from me on the bus.
Barry: Just turn it inside out and buy yourself four more days. 'Cause it doesn't make sense. We did everything right.

Barry: Pop-Pop? What are you doing here?
Essie Karp: [enters] Oh, there he is.
Virginia Kremp: [enters] Ben, you ran off on us.
Pop-Pop: Your house makes my skin itch.
Vic: Well, you said you weren't allergic to my Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.
Pop-Pop: Not your dumb mutts, the decor. Who puts plates on the walls?
Virginia Kremp: They're decorative ceramics.
Essie Karp: Even I think they're a little too much.
Virginia Kremp: You have a Navajo rug on your wall.
Essie Karp: It's not a rug. It's a tapestry.
Virginia Kremp: If you can vacuum it, it's a rug.
Barry: Enough hilarious in-fighting. Pop-Pop's presence is clearly why the Flyers lost. But the good news is it's easily fixed.