Barry: Now, we come to Adam. Sweet, precious Adam. No water! [cup clatters]
Adam: That was your water.
Barry: It was for dramatic effect. You will not allow nature's tears to touch your lips for the entirety of the Flyers playoff run.
Adam: And why, exactly?
Barry: Last Tuesday, you took a sip and Rick Tocchet got a two-minute penalty for slashing. You were also breathing, but I'm not unreasonable.
Adam: I'm definitely gonna drink water.
Barry: Thought you might say that. [hands Adam a Polaroid]
Adam: Is this you holding up a knife to Optimus Prime?
Barry: And you'll never see him again unless you do what I say.
Adam: It's like five bucks. I'll get a new one.
Barry: Well, can you replace all your Transformers? [holds up multiple Polaroids]
Adam: My babies! Fine! I'll drink soda all day, every day! Ya happy?!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, nothing was more important to my brother than Flyers hockey. When they made it to the Stanley Cup Finals, he knew exactly who to thank... himself.
Barry: Because of my hard work and unwavering dedication to the Flyers, they are now on the precipice of becoming world champions.
Pop-Pop: Your hard work?
Barry: Who else has suited up for every game in their quasi-officially sanctioned T-shirt, stretched, ready to go, with two orange popsicles in a bowl, always to the side?
Adam: I've seen this in sports films. Superstitious nutballs think they somehow control the outcome of the game, so they repeat the behavior in hopes of another win.
Barry: Well, in my very special case, it works.
Adam: No one believes that.
Beverly: Yes, my baby helped the Flyers win. I'm as proud as the mothers of the players I will be sitting with during the victory parade.

Barry: In addition to all I will do to help the Flyers win, here's what you will do. Since the beginning of the season, I've been tracking all your behaviors during games to see if they help or hurt the Flyers.
Adam: You've been watching us?
Beverly: I watch you all, too. It's not weird. Go on, Barry.
Barry: Mom, let's start with you.
Beverly: Ah, I'm number one on your list and in your heart.
Barry: For the last seven victories, you served us food that was black and/or orange.
Beverly: The colors of your team.
Adam: And construction signs and monarch butterflies and Garfield. It's all random nonsense.
Barry: Thus, everything we consume from here-to-forth must be black or orange.
Beverly: For my superstitious Schmoo, I'll make it happen. Oh! I'm part of his life. Ha!

Adam: Wait, we have to eat carrots and licorice for every meal just to placate this lunatic?
Pop-Pop: Look who's too good to eat garbage. When I was your age, I ate my own clothes, and I loved it.
Barry: Which brings me to Pop-Pop. I'm afraid you're not allowed in the house during the finals.
Pop-Pop: What are you yammering about?
Barry: The research shows when you're on the premises, we lose. Facts matter.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, but it's cold outside. Where am I gonna go?
Barry: I've already enlisted Ginzy and Essie to take turns hosting you at their homes.
Pop-Pop: Oh, a couple of broads are detaining me. Not too shabby.
Barry: They fought me on it. Hard. You're not the belle of the ball you think you are.
Pop-Pop: I hope your team loses.

Barry: Not yet. You also can't change your underwear.
Adam: What?
Barry: When you don your current tighty-whities, the Flyers win. It's just math.
Adam: How do you even know that? [breathing heavily] On second thought, never tell me.
Beverly: I made Doritos and Oreo tops.
Barry: Yes! Our championship run starts now.

Geoff: Ooh, Goodnight Moon. The perfect sleepy-time book for any baby. And some emotionally in-touch dads.

Erica: A day with your parents isn't exactly baby Mardi Gras. They just plop her down in front of a boring documentary or have her watch your dad as he counts out his afternoon prunes.
Geoff: Six prunes. It's only a small part of the day. And they have some fun toys over there.
Erica: You mean like that one wooden spoon and Lou's car keys?
Geoff: Car keys to you, but with a baby's imagination, they open the door to wonder. And that strange cedar box in his closet. What's in there, Papa?
Erica: When my mom has the baby, they go to the park, the museum, the petting zoo. And then she puts together a photo album of the whole thing.
Geoff: Sure, they're clearly treasured keepsakes, but your mom also gets way more time with the baby. Like every day.
Erica: Unlike your parents, my mom plans active, fun things to do. It's cool. It's important for Muriel to learn that some days are total snooze-fests.
Geoff: I can assure you that today, our daughter will be living it up in the streets with the people.
Erica: I don't think I've ever seen your dad in sunlight, but I definitely believe your hollow words, sweetie.

Adam: No! Bar, I can't do this anymore! My crotch feels like the swamp where Yoda taught Luke how to Jedi.
Barry: Colorful stuff. The briefs stay on.

Linda Schwartz: Hello! [chuckles] We've returned again from a day of cherished memories and treasured experiences.
Lou Schwartz: It's true. I've got the proof. I mean the pictures, which are proof that a totally real, fun time was had by all.
Geoff: You guys are being weird.
Linda Schwartz: You're being weird.
Lou Schwartz: Concentrate on the photographic evidence, son.
Erica: Muriel went swimming?
Linda Schwartz: Obviously. She's clearly in water.
Geoff: By herself? Was one of you in the pool with her?
Linda Schwartz: Uhhh, no?
Geoff: She's a baby. She can't swim.
Lou Schwartz: It was the shallow end! You're focusing on the wrong thing.
Erica: I'm focusing on the corner of the picture, and it looks like there's a bottle of Head & Shoulders.
Lou Schwartz: That's the lifeguard stand.

Pop-Pop: You should give your in-laws another chance.
Erica: Pop-Pop, you're mixing in?
Pop-Pop: Yeah, when I need to, which is hopefully never again.
Erica: What are you saying?
Pop-Pop: I'm saying every grandparent is different.
Erica: Well, mine certainly were. Pops was super involved and active, and you were...
Pop-Pop: I know. A giant bagel.
Erica: I wouldn't say that. I used to love going over to your house, and you would just put on Motown records. I would sing and dance while you sat on the couch and rolled pennies, remember?
Pop-Pop: Who could forget?
Erica: It's kinda where I first fell in love with being a singer. Wait. Were you, in your own way, encouraging me?
Pop-Pop: Eh, you liked tunes. I threw them on.
Erica: So you're saying you get different things from different people?
Pop-Pop: I would've said it differently, but, uh...