[fantasy:]
Cindy: Well, Myra Walker brought a hamster to class for show and tell-
Hilary: Should I color my hair?
Cindy: No, it's beautiful.
Hilary: It is, isn't it? Oh, guess what? I have a little surprise for you. Ta-da!
Cindy: Oh, goody, a shoeshine kit.
Hilary: I know I spoil you, but I just couldn't resist. Do you like my shoes?
Cindy: They're great.
Hilary: Well, you know, they'd be even better if they were shiny.
Cindy: Can I put the fan down first?
Hilary: This time. It is your birthday. But don't make a habit of it. [Cindy starts polishing Hilary's shoe] A spit polish. I meant on the shoes.

[fantasy:]
Carlton: Geoffrey, I told you, I wanted tomatoes in my omelet.
Hilary: Geoffrey, I need some sliced cucumbers for my eyelids. [phone rings]
Will: G, the phone's ringing.
Ashley: Geoffrey, you did my homework all wrong. Do it again.
Geoffrey: Master William, would you go change the baby? I'm trying to do 10 things at once!
Will: Uh, sorry, no can do, G. I'm about to go shoot some hoops. Hey, do me a favor, spit shine my kicks for me, though. Thanks, babe.
Hilary: Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll get it. [answers phone] Hello. Oh, hi, Daddy. Geoffrey is so lazy. So, how's Jamaica? What'd you buy me? Oh, great. Great. Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.
Geoffrey: Well, what did your father say? For God's sake, when are they coming back?
Hilary: They'll be home in time for graduation.
Geoffrey: Oh, thank heavens.
Hilary: The baby's. They figure you can handle things until then.
Will: Look, G, check it out, I'm a peace-loving brother but if you don't hurry up with my kicks, I'm gonna split your wig, man.
Carlton: I want a new omelet.
Ashley: Homework.
Hilary: Cucumbers. [overlapping chatter]
Geoffrey: Calgon, take me away!

Hilary: Geoffrey, you're exaggerating.
Geoffrey: And you're lying through your bonded teeth.
Will: [recording] Well, that's Geoffrey. He pretends he doesn't like the family but deep down inside he really hates us.
Geoffrey: That's not true. I can tolerate Miss Ashley.

[fantasy:]
Kids: Hello, Father.
Will: Hey, Shaquille, Barkley, Jordan. [holds out hand] Okay, forget about that. Check it out. Why don't we go outside and shoot some hoops?
Barkley: What are hoops?
Shaquille: I think he's referring to that sport where a spherical object is thrown into a round receptacle at opposite ends of a court.
Will: You watch your mouth, boy. All right, look, forget basketball. Come here, come here, come here. What do y'all say we sneak and get some candy before dinner?
Jordan: But that would spoil our appetite, and tonight we're having liver.
Kids: Yeah!

Vivian: Now, stop it all of you. Now, I cannot wait for this baby to get here. And that's not just because I'm retaining more water than the Hoover Dam.

Will: You know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man was self-defense but I just spent 45 minutes in the Volvo with another reason.
Hilary: What's wrong with him?
Will: This idiot is taking a mime class. Carlton, get away. I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with this. Stop. Stop playing. Carlton, stop or I'll hang you with that rope! All right, that's it. That's it. I was going to throw him out on the freeway but you know the old saying: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.

Will: Yo, G, what sound do you think accurately depicts your position in the family? [Geoffrey turns on the garbage disposal] You're sick, man. See a therapist, okay?

Will: Hey, Ashley, say something to the baby.
Ashley: [blows raspberry]
Will: Care to elaborate?
Ashley: A lot.
Will: Don't feel bad. She just mad 'cause she found out she ain't adopted.

Ashley: So Mom's having a baby. Big deal. I bet you didn't go through all this for me. You probably smoked cigarettes and rode horseback until the day I was born.
Vivian: Ashley, honey, come on, we prepared for you and took the same precautions as we did for Hilary and Carlton.
Will: Ah, bungee jumping.
Vivian: Philip, the baby's moving, feel my stomach.
Ashley: Hey, I move all the time. Let's have a party. All you guys do is talk about the baby. The baby's clothes, the baby's room. The baby, baby, baby. You'll forget all about me after you have it, Mommy. I can see it coming.

Hilary: I can't wait till the new baby's born. Then I can do all those special things that big sisters do.
Carlton: Like when you took me up to the attic window and told me I could fly?
Ashley: Or when you told me it was okay to roller skate down the steps.
Will: [recording] Judging by your lovely brothers and sisters, you're going to need an insurance policy before you're potty trained.