Will: [recording] Now we are entering the kitchen. This is where we eat. [looks at Uncle Phil] Some of us more than others. And this is your mommy and she look like she eating for a couple of brothers herself.
Vivian: Will, what are you doing with that microphone?
Will: Uh, making a tape for the coming attraction. You know, I was going to knit some booties or something but you know, I had to get yarn and needles and I'd have had to learn how to knit. See, look, Uncle Phil, the concept is to aesthetically capture for posterity the sounds that are familiar to this house.
Philip: Will, I'm eating.
Will: You'll hear a lot of that.
Philip: You're grounded.
Will: Okay, that about sums up Uncle Phil.

Will: Hold it there, home fry. Say a little something to spud.
Carlton: Hey, little bro, piece of advice: Don't lend Will a penny even if he begs, and he will.
Will: That's your brother Carlton. You'll recognize him, he'll be the one at eye-level.

Will: Man, I can't wait to start my own family. Yo, I want to have a whole bunch of kids, like six and I'm going to have them one right after another.
Carlton: Will, we're talking about kids, not malt liquor.
Will: Carlton, why don't you shut up before we send you back to that White family that dropped you off on the doorstep?