Angie Barnett: What is all this? What happened to the Soft Rock section?
Hyde: I put it in the alley. See, that way, if somebody comes in asking for Barry Manilow, I can send him outside and lock the door.

Red: What the hell are you doing?
Hyde: What?
Red: It's your first day on the job and you're drinking? This is not summer camp, you know.
Hyde: There's drinking at summer camp?
Red: Look, if you're not responsible enough to handle yourself, then obviously I made a big mistake. I hope there's another job out there for you because you're fired.
Hyde: My dad told you he offered me a job, didn't he?
Red: What? No. What?
Hyde: 'Cause I've heard you fire a lot of people, and I've never heard you saying, "I hope there's another job out there for you." You say, "I hope my foot doesn't get stuck in your ass." Or, "Don't let my foot get stuck in your ass on the way out the door." Or the classic, "I'm gonna stick my foot in your ass."
Red: Listen, get out of here.
Hyde: Thanks, Red.

Kelso: Oh, Hyde, this is really getting to you. I mean, look at you, you're leaning forward, you got your sunglasses off, you're freaking out.
Jackie: Well, this is an emotional time for my Steven. His new daddy and his substitute daddy are in a tug-of-war for his heart.
Eric: Whoa, I thought we established that Hyde doesn't have a heart. It was, [points to Hyde] no heart, [points to Kelso] no brain, [points to himself] no courage.
Hyde: I'll just have to tell Red I can't take the job. I mean, he'll understand.
Kelso: Wait, I'm the scarecrow? He's the one who gets set on fire. Oh, yeah, that's me.

Fez: That's it. It is my destiny to be a shampoo boy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is there a job that pays you to eat pie?
Donna: No.
Fez: It is my destiny to be a shampoo boy.

Bob: Who's got a bad muffler?
Red: See? Even Bob knows when a car sounds off.
Bob: I never know what you mean by "even Bob," but I like to assume it's a compliment.

Kitty: Okay, so tell me about the job hunt. Did my little worker bee find a happy hive?
Red: No, all the jobs had the same problem: a dumbass boss. You know, one guy actually thought that duct tape was called "duck" tape. A security guard had to pull us apart.
Kitty: Oh, honey, you'll find something. You worked at that auto parts plant for so long. Did you try looking at auto parts stores?
Red: Well, I'll be, Kitty. And here I spent all morning applying to be an astronaut.

Kelso: [answers phone] Brooke, did you have the baby yet?
Fez: [imitates baby crying]
Kelso: Fez?
Fez: No, this is your baby. And I'm really ugly.
Kelso: Okay, I know this is a prank, 'cause there's no way my baby would be ugly. [hangs up] [answers phone] Hello?
Fez: Yes, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, you better go catch it. Burn!
Kelso: Stop calling me! [hangs up]

William Barnett: I own a chain of record stores.
Hyde: Record stores. That's cool, huh?
William Barnett: Yeah.
Hyde: I was afraid you were gonna be a cop or something.
William Barnett: I don't like cops.
Hyde: I don't like cops, either. Hey, who do you think shot JFK?
William Barnett: I don't know, because they don't want me to know.
Hyde: Check it out, man. I'm a chip off the old block.

William Barnett: Hi, is this the Formans'?
Kitty: You know, I'm sorry, I told your friend last week, we don't want a subscription to Ebony magazine.
William Barnett: No, no, no, no. We spoke over the phone. I'm William Barnett. I'm Steven's father.
Kitty: Oh! I mean, come in, come in. Everybody, I want you to meet Steven's father. Steven, look.
Hyde: I'm looking.
William Barnett: It's good to meet you, Son. I've really been looking forward to this. I wanted to get you a card, but they don't have one for our unique situation. So, here. Happy First Communion.
Jackie: Wow. You came from him?
Eric: Yeah, I'm not sure I see the resemblance.
Hyde: What are you talking about? My 'fro, my coolness, my suspicion of the Man. This explains so much.

Eric: You know, this whole marriage thing has made me think. Why am I in such a hurry to grow up? You know, life, it's like a train. It's bearing down on you, and guess what? It's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance, or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer, and just watch it come.
Kelso: I did that once.
Eric: No, Kelso, not a real train. A metaphorical one.
Kelso: Like a... Like a ghost train?
Eric: Yes. A ghost train.