Kitty: I feel terrible. I think it's the flu.
Eric: Okay, now is this the real flu or the Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante flu?
Kitty: Now I'm gonna miss Tom Jones this afternoon, and I wanted his autograph so badly. Red, I was thinking maybe...
Red: No.
Kitty: You know, if you were sick and Joe DiMaggio was signing footballs, I'd get an autograph for you.
Eric: Mom, Joe DiMaggio played baseball. That'd be like me saying G.I. Joe has a karate grip. What a nerd I'd be.

Kelso: Hey, Angie, when Tom Jones gets here, you're not gonna throw your underpants at him, are you?
Angie: Michael, you know I don't wear underwear.
Hyde: Come on, man, you're my sister.
Kelso: I just told her to say that to gross you out. Burn!
Hyde: Yeah, you got me.
Kelso: Besides, I happen to know that she does wear underwear. Sometimes she lets me take them off for her. Boomerang burn!

Donna: Mr. Randall, down at the radio station, wants me to host a live remote from Hyde's record store when Tom Jones is there. And to promote it, they want to put me on a billboard wearing this. [holds up tiny bikini]
Eric: That's just good radio.
Donna: Well, I'm not wearing it. I should be valued for my voice and music knowledge, not my body, no matter how smoking it is.
Kelso: There you go again with your "women should be valued for their minds" gobbledygook.
Jackie: Donna, women should be valued for their looks. Men should be valued for their cars, and foreigners should be valued for their ability to sweep.
Fez: Hey, hey. We also drive a mean taxi.

Kitty: So, what's new in the world of rock 'n' roll? 'Cause this cool cat wants the skinny on the bebop, maestro.
Hyde: Uh, well, tomorrow we have Tom Jones coming in for a record signing at the store.
Kitty: Tom Jones! I love him! Oh, and the way he shakes his hips. [laughs] It just... It makes me feel all nervous and embarrassed. Boy, that sounds like fun.
Red: Fun for you, maybe. You're a middle-aged woman.
Kitty: What?
Red: Don't "what" me. The average lifespan is 72, so if you're older than 36, which you are, then, by definition, you're middle-aged. Discussion over.
Kitty: Okay, when you're right, you're right.
Hyde: Wow.
Red: I win an argument every six years or so.

Red: Steven, I've noticed that every day you come home from the record store tired and irritable, and I just want to say, "Welcome to life."

Kitty: I can't believe you got into a fight.
Eric: You know, I'm thinking about becoming a boxer. They may have to invent a whole new weight class. Hey, what's lighter than a feather?

Red: Come on. Let's go tell your mom about our day. Oh, hey, where'd you learn all those fighting moves, by the way?
Eric: Spider-Man.
Red: I had to ask.

Kitty: Steven, I can't believe you thought I'd like these Sex Pistols. I don't want anything this loud and crabby in my house if I'm not married to it.
Hyde: I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman. I'll make it up to you. Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?
Kitty: Well, that's what Judas needed, a priest. Are they spiritual?
Hyde: I listen to them every Sunday.

Donna: Okay. Now, I would like to hear from some pissed-off feminists. You're on the air with Hot Donna. Or, should I say, Hot-under-the-collar Donna.
Kitty: [on line] Donna Pinciotti, you should be ashamed of yourself. Suddenly you think women shouldn't be looked at. Well, I've seen your outfits, Miss Lady Tank Top.
Donna: Mrs. Forman, this isn't about me, it's about society.
Kitty: No, it's about Red, who's been like a second father to you, and now finally he has something to be proud of and you're forcing your weirdo hippie politics on it. It's just a couple of greased-up broads on a Chevy. Get over it!

Kitty: Excuse me, Mr. Record Store Big Shot, I need some help. Where can I find something by Bette Midler?
Hyde: Well, we don't have any Bette Midler, but may I suggest something even better? Perhaps a little Sex Pistols?
Kitty: Sex Pistols? Well, that's terrible. Guns don't belong in the bedroom.
Hyde: They agree, and a lot of their songs are about just that. And they deliver their message with a smooth, mellow sound.
Kitty: So it's like easy listening.
Hyde: Well, they're not hard to hear.