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‘The Third Wheel’ Quotes Page 1 of 2  

That '70s Show: The Third Wheel

411. The Third Wheel

Aired December 11, 2001

Eric feels like the third wheel after Hyde brings a girl to the boys' bowling night. Meanwhile, Red unwittingly convinces Pastor Dave to leave the church.

Quote from Fez

Eric: So let's bowl.
Kelso: Hey, guys, look. I got 10-pound balls.
Fez: Hey, guys, my balls are black and blue.
Hyde: Good one.
Eric: That's nice.
Kelso: That's funny. That was good.
Fez: My balls are finally funny.


Quote from Hyde

Eric: Well, we could go beer bowling. That's always fun.
Kelso: I am in, because beer makes you a better bowler. That's a proven fact.
Fez: Wait. Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?
Hyde: Now, Fez, why do you ask that question when you already know the answer?
Fez: Pink ball only until I lose my virginity.
Hyde: Sorry. Them's the rules.

Quote from Fez

Eric: All right, fellas. You know the rules. You get a strike, you chug. You get a gutter ball, you chug. You get a 7-1 0 split seven to 10 chugs.
Kelso: Hey, guys, look. I got 10-pound balls. [laughs] Man, that joke never gets old.
Fez: Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them. [silence] Now, why isn't that funny?

Quote from Red

Red: Boy, Kitty, you missed a great game. The Bucks made a last-second shot and sent those Lakers home with their tails between their California fruitcake asses!
Pastor Dave: Go home, fruitcakes!
Red: I've never seen old Pastor Dave so excited. He swore at the referee.
Pastor Dave: "Son of a stitch." I said, "Son of a stitch."
Kitty: Oh, well, I'm sure that fooled God.

Quote from Red

Red: Hey, Dave, the Celtics are in town tomorrow. You up for it?
Pastor Dave: I'm in!
Kitty: Oh. Pastor Dave, tomorrow's Sunday. You have church on Sunday.
Pastor Dave: Right, church. Church, right.
Red: Well, just get someone to sub for you. Every Sunday I see six other guys up there in robes who only shake themselves awake when the wine comes out. Any one of them could do your job.
Pastor Dave: Well, if God didn't want me to go to basketball he wouldn't have made foam fingers so much fun. Check it out. The hand of God is pointing at you. [chuckles] Okay, see you at church.

Quote from Bob

Joanne: Donna. Well, you're up early. Surprisingly early.
Donna: You slept here? Already? You just met!
Joanne: Listen, Donna, I'm gonna be honest with you. Your father and I have started an intimate relationship. And, you know, it's still a little awkward for us. Emotionally, not physically. Well, a little...
Donna: I think I might be sick.
Joanne: Look, I know this is a lot for you to take in right now. But I think it would be better for all of us to just stop the charade and get it all out in the open.
Bob: [enters] Joanne! When did you get here?
Donna: Oh, my God.
Joanne: Oh, look at the time.

Quote from Eric

Fez: Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, when she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it.
Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: "I don't know." "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "What are you thinking about?" "I don't know." "Who's that under you?" "I don't know." You see, it's bulletproof.
Jill: Why are you friends with him?
Hyde: I don't know. [kisses Jill]
Eric: [head out of frame] Hyde, what the hell? What is she doing in my seat?
Hyde: I don't know. That's a good one, Kelso.
Jill: Just sit on the floor.
Eric: The floor? Why don't I sit on the floor? Visitors get the floor, all right? And that's you, Terri Tube Top. Oh, and by the way, it's winter!
Jill: [scoffs] You're a drag. [leaves seat]
Eric: [sits down] Okay, well, sayonara, Yoko. What? We're kind of the Beatles.

Quote from Fez

Jackie: Rhonda? How'd you get in here?
Rhonda: I used my key.
Jackie: Michael, why does she have a key and I don't?
Kelso: Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one. That's for sure.
Rhonda: Don't sweat it, small stuff. We're all part of the gang.
Jackie: Excuse me? Uh, no. I had to kiss butt for, like, a year to be part of this gang.
Fez: That was you being nice? Good God! She thinks she was being nice?

Quote from Bob

Donna: Oh, good. You're both here. Look, I know you two are together and, Dad, I want you to be happy. But I just don't think I'm ready for this.
Bob: Joanne! When did you get here?
Donna: Dad!
Joanne: Bob!
Bob: All right. Donna, what do you want us to do? You want us to stop seeing each other?
Donna: No. No. It's just that... Well, could you go back to lying to me? I mean, that seemed to work.
Bob: I am always in favor of lying when it comes to children.
Joanne: Bob, we were honest with Donna and now she's being honest with us. We'll hold off on the overnight visits for a while.
Donna: Thank you. Thanks. That's really... Thanks.
Bob: Well, if you're not staying the night, we'd better get upstairs.

Quote from Red

Red: Dave, what's with you? You don't just up and leave the church because I invited you to a basketball game on Sunday.
Pastor Dave: Red, you said it yourself. There are six guys who would take my place. No one would notice.
Red: Sit down, Dave. Let me tell you a little story about three bags of dog crap. One on my front porch, one in my mailbox and one in the backseat of my car. All from people who are so upset about losing you that they are willing to find, handle and bag dog crap.
Pastor Dave: Really? My congregation has turned to vandalism and petty harassment on account of me? I am truly blessed.
Red: Then you're staying?
Pastor Dave: Yeah.
Red: Good. Now, come on. Let's celebrate by returning those bags to their rightful owner.
Pastor Dave: Like it says in the Bible, "As you sow, so shall you reap." Jesus was talking about love, but it works for doggy doo, I think.

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