Red: Eric. Now, Donna just came through here looking very upset. Would you have any idea what that's about?
Eric: I have no idea. She seemed fine when we- Um, you already know, don't you?
Red: Of course I know. Donna is such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
Eric: I don't know. You know, it seems like bad things are always happening to me like I have bad luck or something.
Red: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it.

Red: So, tell me about school.
Laurie: Oh, well, I've decided to major in philosophy.
Eric: That's good, because they just opened up that big philosophy factory in Green Bay.
Red: Eric, what did I tell you about being funny?
Eric: I'm not.
Red: That's right. Now, sweep the garage.
Eric: Yes, sir.

Red: Why are you here? Why are you always here? It's Thanksgiving. Don't you have families?
Hyde, Kelso & Fez: Um...