Red: Oh, no.
Leo: Yup, it's me. Hey, is my lady around?
Red: Leo, buddy, we gotta talk. You're getting me in a lot of trouble around here. Now, I'm begging you-
Kitty: [o.s.] Who is it, Red?
Red: Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a fiery passion that consumes my soul! That's right! So you can either walk out of here on your own or you can hop outta here with my boot in your ass!
Leo: Okay, I choose the one with nothing in my ass.
Red: Good choice!

Kitty: Well, Red that was a pretty good show you put on there. You poured it on with a "fiery passion that consumed your soul."
Red: Hey, if you think I'm putting on a show to get out of the doghouse, you're way off base. If I wanted to get out of trouble, I'd just tell you how pretty you look. Which I've been meaning to tell you. You do.
Kitty: Oh, stow it.
Red: Oh, fine. But, Kitty, you gotta understand. If I got mad at every guy that looked at you, I'd drive myself crazy. I don't even wanna think about all those patients down at the hospital making googly eyes at you.
Kitty: Not to mention the doctors.
Red: [sighs] Don't get me started on those perverts! They think the nursing staff is their own personal dating service. Glorified plumbers!
Kitty: Okay. All right, Red. You're getting very upset. In fact, you look downright miserable. That makes me so happy.

Leo: Hey, Red. Could you give these to your wife, please? And tell her I love her.
Red: I'll give her the message.
Leo: Thank you. [Red closes the door]
Red: Oh, boy! You got a date for the Stoners' Ball.
Kitty: "Roses are red. Violets are blue. Milk, eggs, coffee."

Kelso: Who's the most handsome man on earth?
Electronic Voice: U-R.
Jackie: [enters] Michael, I've thought about your modeling job, and I came to a decision. I can't let you take your pants off in public.
Kelso: But I take my pants off in public all the time. You never said anything before.
Jackie: Because before you weren't doing it for your glamorous new career. You were doing it for the love of being pantsless. So, now promise me you won't do it. [Kelso whimpers] Michael?
Kelso: Fine. I "plomise."
Jackie: I heard that. You said, "I plomise." There is no "L" in promise. Michael, promise me with an "R."
Kelso: [whimpers] Fine! I promise.
Jackie: Okay, you promise to what?
Kelso: I promise I won't model my "undelwear."
Jackie: Michael!
Kelso: Oh, fine!

Kelso: Hey, you guys! Great news! I was walking around Halverson's Department Store and the owner comes right up to me, and he offered me a modeling job. Yeah. Whoo!
Jackie: Wait, wait. He just offered you a modeling job? Yeah, sounds a little suspicious. I mean, how do you know it was the owner?
Kelso: Because it was Mr. Halverson.
Jackie: How do you know it was Mr. Halverson?
Kelso: Because I said, "Aren't you Mr. Halverson?" And he said, "Yeah."
Eric: Hey, Hyde, aren't you Mr. Halverson?
Hyde: Yeah.
Jackie: See? Look, Michael. I've been in that store over a hundred times and Mr. Halverson never asked me to be a model. And if Mr. Halverson never asked me to be a model then there's no Mr. Halverson. It's a scam.
Donna: I don't know. It doesn't sound like a scam to me.
Kelso: Thank you, Donna.
Donna: Sounds like Mr. Halverson wants you for his lover. [kissing]
Kelso: Either way, I'm flattered.

Fez: Hyde, will you teach me how to drive the El Camino? Rhonda's car is a stick and until I learn to drive it I have to sit in the lady seat.
Hyde: No way, man. The Camino's cherry.
Fez: Please?
Hyde: No.
Fez: Please, please, please?
Hyde: No.
Fez: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
[one hour later:]
Fez: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pl-
Hyde: All right! All right! [sighs] You can use the El Camino. But you have to be careful, all right? I don't want anything to happen to my baby.
Fez: Aw, thanks for your concern, Hyde, but I'll be fine.

Fez: Leo, I'm so sorry I hurt you.
Leo: Ah, that's all right, man. I'll be fine. Least I still got it all up here. But that's just good genes, man. My father had a good hairline too.

Hyde: Well, nice job, Fez. The fender's dented, the taillight's shot, so you owe me 80 bucks.
Fez: [laughs] Okay, good luck with that. I'm broke.
Hyde: Well, like my mom used to tell me, "Shut up and give me some money."

Jackie: Hey, Eric, um, where's Donna?
Eric: Oh, she's out with Kelso's brother. Which means it's only a matter of time before she calls us from the holding cell.
Jackie: Well, I need a woman's opinion. Eh, you're close enough. Look. I'm just really upset about Michael modeling. I mean, that was our dream together. But for me!
[fantasy: a commercial for a perfume named "Jackie" complete with a jingle]
Eric: Wait, so, um, in your dream you're a model, and Kelso's, um, not there. Whereas in real life, Kelso's a model and you, um, sell cheese. That is... delightful.

Kitty: Well, I'm off to the Fotohut. Hope my new boyfriend doesn't try to make a pass at me. [laughs]
Red: I- I don't think we have to worry about that.
Kitty: I see.
Red: Kitty, I just mean the whole thing is so silly. [chuckles] It's just so silly. [chuckles] It's silly.
Kitty: Well, it didn't used to be silly. I remember a time when you'd beat up a guy just for looking at me.
Red: Oh. Come on, Kitty. I'm not worried about you and other guys. I mean, you're a little old for crushes.
Kitty: What?
Red: Oh, I didn't mean old. I meant advanced in... beauty.