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Jackie's Cheese Squeeze

‘Jackie's Cheese Squeeze’

Season 4, Episode 19 -  Aired February 26, 2002

Eric sees Jackie kissing her colleague at the cheese store, Todd (Christopher Kennedy Masterson), and threatens to tell Kelso. Meanwhile, Kitty thinks Red is spending too much time with his Corvette.

Quote from Kelso

Eric: So, hey, Jackie, how's it going down at the cheese shop? You must be so tired from giving it away at the mall. [Donna, Fez & Hyde laugh]
Fez: What are you laughing at?
Hyde: I don't know. What are you laughing at?
Fez: I don't know.
Fez & Hyde: What are you laughing at?
Donna: I don't know.
Kelso: [laughs]
Donna, Fez & Hyde: What are you laughing at?
Kelso: I really don't know.


Quote from Eric

Jackie: Eric, did you get a haircut? 'Cause I love it. You look just like Parker Stevenson.
Eric: Oh, really? 'Cause I told the guy that he should- No, no, no! That's not gonna work, tramp-face. I saw tongue.
Jackie: Okay, Eric, I know you and I don't have the best relationship.
Eric: You mean, I hate you, and you hate me.
Jackie: Right. So, let's turn over a new leaf by you never telling Michael what you think you just saw.
Eric: Hmm. Or I could just torture you with this information until I'm bored.
Jackie: Eric.
Eric: Okay, you know what? I'll make you a deal. You can buy two guaranteed hours of silence by carving this wheel of cheddar into a handsome likeness of me. And go.

Quote from Red

Kitty: Red, dinner's ready.
Red: Five more minutes, Kitty. A bunch of birds threw a "crap on my Corvette" party. If I don't get it off, the paint will oxidize. Oxidize!
Kitty: Well, why don't you just put the car in the garage?
Red: Because if I put the car in the garage, I can't see it from the dinner table. Kitty, don't give advice about things you don't understand!
Kitty: Okay. I'm the crazy one.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: You know, ever since Red got his new car, he can barely tear himself away from it.
Joanne: You better watch out, Kitty, or you're gonna end up a Corvette widow.
Kitty: Oh, no, he loves that car. He deserves it. The last treat he bought himself was a pellet gun to shoot the chipmunks that were stealing our tomatoes. And I had to throw that away, because it was giving him war nightmares.
Bob: I'm glad you threw it out. That thing hurt.
Joanne: Kitty, I know what I'm talking about. As soon as my ex-husband got a boat, it was like he forgot I even existed. So I divorced him, took the boat and spent a vigorous three-day weekend on it with the harbormaster.
Kitty: I don't- I don't think that's kitchen talk.

Quote from Red

Kitty: Red, this is supposed to be our special date. There is nothing special about an auto show!
Red: Oh, no? How 'bout it's special 'cause you're the only woman here. You're the queen of the auto show!
Kitty: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept-
Red: Oh, come on, Kitty. It'll be fun. You're always saying how we should share each other's interests.
Kitty: I only said that to get you to go to the Figurine Festival. Okay, I do. I want us to share our interests, so I'll start. Teach me about cars. I'm excited!
Red: That's my girl. Holy crap! Look at the paint job on that T-bird. Wait here. I'll be right back.
Kitty: Wait, wait. Wait here?
Red: Well, someone's gotta guard the car. Who better than the queen? [Kitty sits back] Not on the bumper.

Quote from Eric

Eric: Oh, Jackie, great. Just the person I was looking for. Look, I've got this itch right above my shoulder. Be a good girl. Give- Give a little scratch.
Jackie: Eric, I came here to talk to you about what happened yesterday.
Eric: Okay, but I can't hear you if you're not scratching.
[Jackie grabs a meat mallet from the kitchen and rubs it again Eric's back]
Eric: Yeah!
Jackie: Things between me and Michael have been weird lately and when Todd kissed me, I guess I just gave in 'cause I felt vulnerable. But I made a terrible mistake. And I was hoping you'd show me some compassion.
Eric: Compassion. Wait, is that the feeling you get when someone just shined your shoes? Because if so, you are in luck. [puts shoes on table] And go.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: You know what? I don't think so. See, I may have kissed Todd but you knew about it all along and didn't tell Michael. And that is way worse than what I did.
Eric: Wait, what?
Jackie: Yeah. See, girlfriends are supposed to lie. That's what we do. But best friends are supposed to be loyal, and you weren't. So guess what? You're screwed, 'cause I'm telling Michael everything!
Eric: You wouldn't.
Jackie: Oh, I so would!
Eric: Oh, yeah?
Jackie: Yeah!
Eric: Oh, yeah?
Jackie: Yeah!
Eric: Well... Well... Well, this certainly blew up in my face!

Quote from Eric

Eric: Okay, look. Jackie. I-It's just one kiss, right? That's not so bad. Just tell Kelso what you told me about, you know, how you felt vulnerable and stuff.
Jackie: Now he doesn't even want to see me.
Eric: So, you know what? We'll go hang out in my basement and wait for him to come by. He left his bouncy ball there, so, you know, he's bound to be by sometime.
Jackie: You'd do that for me?
Eric: As long as you promise not to rat me out.
Jackie: Deal. So, friends?
Eric: As long as you promise not to tell people we're friends.

Quote from Donna

Kelso: You guys are never gonna believe this. Jackie cheated on me. With the cheese guy!
Hyde: [chuckle turns into a gasp] No!
Kelso: Yeah. I was just as shocked as you are.
Fez: Well, thank God all she did was kiss him.
Donna: Yeah. Wait. How do you know all she did was kiss him?
Fez: [scoffs] Kiss? Gee, I- I didn't say "kiss." Don't make fun of my accent.
Kelso: That cheese guy's lucky he's a little fella, or I'd kick his ass. Just, boom! Right in the ass!
Hyde: Hey, man, you gotta kick his ass. Like, on Fantasy Island, if Tattoo took one of Mr. Roarke's women up to his little tower and put it to her, Roarke would slap that little dude like a drunk Southern widow! Then he'd hit him off with some vicious voodoo.
Donna: Voodoo on Tattoo. Voodoo. Tattoo. Peekaboo. Honeydew. Kung fu. Koo-koo-ka-choo. I'm done.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: Mrs. Forman! Mrs. Forman, I have a black eye, and I need ice!
Kitty: I'm not doing anything else for men today.
Red: Just go away.
Kelso: No. I'm not gonna go away. I'm having a really bad day. I got decked by a guy who kissed Jackie. He was huge. And she thinks that it was okay to kiss him, because I've been ignoring her for work. Which I barely did. And I got a black eye, and I need someone to care about me!
Kitty: Well, well, well. Michael ignored Jackie, and she kissed another boy.
Red: That is completely different. He ignored her for a stupid job. I ignored you for a car! Crap.
Kelso: Oh, burn!
Red: How many times you want to get hit today?

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