Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Malcolm, listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot tea when we were sick. Is she around?
Malcolm: I think she's changing the sheets on their bed. Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding. So, did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?
Malcolm: I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.
Francis: Look, don't take it personally. They're primeval creatures with tiny little hearts.
Malcolm: Yeah, but there must be some reason...
Francis: Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains. They're threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or intelligence. They'd eat you if they had better teeth.

Francis: I got halfway home when I suddenly remembered the time when I was three years old and you were sick - or so you said - and couldn't drive me to Donnie Dinesco's birthday party. So I rode this tricycle two miles in the pouring rain just to get there. Lazy? I think not. Now, I am not leaving until you apologize.
Lois: All you want is an apology? That's it? Well, you should've said so a week ago.
Francis: But...
Lois: I'm hereby officially sorry. Okay?
Francis: No! Not okay! That is not an apology. That's just one of those cleverly designed apologies that sounds like an apology but isn't one. Now you have to apologize for apologizing. And then apologize!
Lois: You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you just can't stand to be happy!
Francis: What?!
Lois: You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you. You have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
Francis: That's not true. I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness.

Hal: [quietly] I need to borrow $1,800. I'll pay you back over the next six years in monthly payments of $39.50. I have no money to give these boys a Christmas gift and I'm not even sure where I'm driving. I hate to ask you, but I don't know what else to do. I love you.
Francis: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you... I got fired from my job. I'm totally broke.
Hal: What? You got fired from the ranch?
Francis: It turns out the ATM I was making all of Otto's deposits into wasn't an ATM. So sue me, right? Anyway, he's suing me. I don't know what we're going to do.
Lois: You're not moving back in! There isn't room enough in the house! Besides, Piama doesn't want to live with us.
Francis: Piama doesn't even know about it. She thinks I'm on vacation. I've been acting like the happiest man in the world the last few weeks just to hide it from her.
Hal: I have to say, I am a little disappointed in you, Francis. You can't hide something like this from the ones you love. Honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
Francis: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you.