Eric: Casey and Donna, man. Hey, remember when we were 12? We didn't even like girls yet.
Kelso: I liked girls when I was 12.
Eric: Yeah, I was happy to stay at home Friday night in my underwear just tossing a football to myself.
Kelso: Yeah, never did that either.
Eric: Well, at least I gave it my best shot, right? If Donna loves Casey and not me, then... I mean, I guess it's over.
Kelso: Wha- Forman, you can't give up. Okay, look. Who knows what's gonna happen with me and Jackie. But what you and Donna had? That was, like, real. And I'm telling you, as his brother... Look, Casey is bad news. He's either gonna get bored and split, or something worse is gonna happen. So, you gotta do something.
Eric: Hey, since when did you get all serious?
Kelso: Been reading Cosmo. It's very educational. Yeah. I never realized how much plumbing girls had down there. Like, there's this diagram, and it's like a map of Six Flags.

Kitty: Oh, guess what, boys. [chuckles] I entered the big wiener contest at the Piggly Wiggly. And I won a year's supply of all-beef hot dogs. [laughs] I'm a wiener winner! [laughs] Well, anyway, we're having a barbecue.
Red: No, Kitty! I thought we were going to talk about that.
Kitty: Mm-hmm. Oh, and I saw Donna at the grocery store and she said she's bringing her friend Casey.
Eric: What? No. I hate Casey. He's Donna's new boyfriend. Y- You have to uninvite him. Dad, tell her.
Red: Kitty, you've done a horrible thing. It could scar the boy for life. Now, let's do the right thing and cancel that barbecue.
Kitty: No. We're having it, and it'll be fun. And we just- We won't give Casey any relish.
Hyde: All right! Once Casey finds out he's not getting any relish, he'll dump Donna for sure. [chuckles] You are so screwed.

Fez: So your mom invited Casey over for hot dogs? Well, that's a plump, juicy all-beef burn.

Kelso: Ah, it's just typical women stuff. Like Jackie kissing that guy. [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] Ow! Hyde!
Hyde: Yeah. Okay? I've decided if anyone brings up any more stupid girl stuff I'm gonna throw something at 'em. This time, I threw a fist.
Kelso: I'm sorry. It's just everything reminds me. Like, last night Rocky was on and I was thinking I'm like Rocky and Jackie is Apollo Creed. And she bashed in my face by kissing that guy! At least Rocky wins in the end.
Hyde: Kelso, Rocky loses.
Kelso: Oh, yeah? Well, why is he jumping around all happy?
Fez: Because he goes the distance, fool.
Eric: He loses the fight, but he wins in life.
Kelso: Who wants to watch a movie with a message like that? Ice-cream man! [runs out]

Eric: You guys, I've been thinking about Donna. And I-
Hyde: This time I threw a magazine.
Eric: No, guys, seriously. This barbecue might work out in my favor. You see, Donna's only seen Casey around his smelly, tattooed Molly Hatchet-lovin' friends. But when he comes to the barbecue, he'll be around us. Good, clean, Lynyrd Skynyrd-lovin' Americans. And the comparison will not be kind to him.
Hyde: And then Donna'll come running home to you.
Eric: No. Well, maybe. You think?
Hyde: So, instead of pounding Casey like you should, you came up with this zany scheme. Forman, you've officially turned into Daffy Duck. [as Daffy Duck] You're "dithpicable"!

Fez: You know, I have lady problems too. [Hyde throws a ball] Rhonda won't let me get past second base. I even said, "please." Magic word, my ass!

Kelso: Y-You know what, Jac- I can't do this. Why should I paint these round, berry toes if some other guy is gonna end up licking 'em?
Jackie: Michael, what are you talking about?
Kelso: I still can't get over you cheating on me. And I need to hear you apologize again. And this time, maybe you should cry or give me money.
Jackie: No, Michael. I am not gonna beg for forgiveness. I didn't make you do that when you cheated.
Kelso: Well, that is totally different. When guys cheat, it's because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat, it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.
Jackie: We do too.
Kelso: Well, why aren't we doing it now?
Jackie: Because I don't want to do it right now.
Kelso: I do. Point made. Thank you!

Jackie: You know what? We need help. We should consult the world's highest authority on relationships. Cosmo.
Kelso: "Why you should touch your breasts every day." Oh, this could help. They seem smart.

Eric: Okay, Fez, when Casey gets here, ask him for advice about your second-base problem. My advice is gonna be way better than his, and, uh... Donna will see that he's a greasy dolt.
Hyde: Hey, Forman, I have an idea. Set up a wacky system of ropes and pulleys and when Casey gets here, drop an anvil on his head.
Fez: Because that's what Daffy does.
Eric: Yeah, I got that.

Jackie: Okay, Michael. I found something out about our situation. This article says that cheating is a symptom of a deeper problem.
Kelso: Deeper problem? No, I don't want a deeper problem. I want a quick fix.
Jackie: Well, too bad. Because I realized that I'm still hurt and angry from all the times you cheated on me. Okay? And that is why I kissed that guy.
Kelso: So what are you saying?
Jackie: I'm sayin', I'm not sorry.
[fantasy: "Theme from Rocky" plays as Jackie and Kelso spar in a boxing ring]
Jackie: [muffled] I'm not sorry! [knocks Kelso down] Come on!
[reality:]
Jackie: Look, now I know why I cheated. You need to read this Cosmo and find out why you did. And I ripped out the boob pictures, so don't bother looking.