‘Eric's False Alarm’
Season 4, Episode 25 - Aired May 7, 2002
Eric doesn't know what to do when he hears Casey Kelso has booked a motel room for the night with Donna. Kelso can't seem to get over Jackie kissing another guy. Meanwhile, Red and Kitty give Bob and Joanne (Mo Gaffney) relationship advice.
Quote from Bob
Kitty: Okay, Bob, I think the problem is that Joanne thinks you're moving just a little too fast.
Bob: That's just who I am. I do everything fast. I run fast. I drive fast. I eat fast.
Kitty: Okay, what happens when you eat fast?
Bob: I get gassy.
Kitty: Right. Okay, well, a relationship works the same way. When it grows too fast, it... it gets gassy, too. And-And- And then the bad thing happens and people leave the room.
Bob: Wow. A lot of people have told me to slow down, but nobody ever said it in a way that spoke to me.
Quote from Kelso
Hyde: I just think we all need to zip it. [to Fez] Especially you.
Fez: Hey, I can keep a secret. I didn't tell Kelso you took five bucks from his wallet.
Jackie: None of you guys can keep a secret.
Kelso: Well, you sure can, especially when it's about you kissing other guys.
Jackie: Michael, it was one guy from work, and I told you I'm sorry. God, how long are you gonna keep throwing that in my face?
Kelso: Well, how long are you gonna keep throwing your face in other guys' faces? Wow. That was clever. I think I won that! Yeah!
Quote from Fez
Fez: Oh, Eric. [sighs] Let me just say I'm sorry.
Eric: For what?
Fez: I can't tell you. But if you were to guess that Casey is taking Donna to a honeymoon suite I'd say, "Good guess."
Eric: Wait. Casey and Donna got a motel room?
Fez: Yeah, but, hey, look at the bright side. Donna and Casey may be doing it but at least they're doing it on a vibrating, heart-shaped bed. If you see what I mean.
Eric: Well, I do now thanks to your spot-on, detailed description.
Fez: Oh, and there'll probably be a mirror too.
Eric: Okay, thanks, Fez.
Fez: You know, so they can watch each other.
Eric: Yeah, I know.
Quote from Bob
Bob: I'd like to propose a toast. My divorce papers finally came through. To divorce!
Kitty: Oh, no, no. No, no. If you're gonna drink to divorce, drink alone in the dark like regular sad people.
Bob: I'm not sad. I'm happy, 'cause now I can do all kinds of things I couldn't do before, like, uh... Joanne, we could get married.
[After Joanne forces a laugh, Kitty laughs and then Red joins in]
Bob: Something funny?
Joanne: Bob, we've never mentioned marriage before. You spring it on me now in front of strangers?
Bob: Oh, excuse me. My mistake, I guess. [walks off]
Joanne: I guess I hurt someone's feelings.
Kitty: Well, you certainly did. We are not strangers!
Quote from Jackie
Jackie: So, what are you and Casey doing tonight?
Donna: [applying make-up] He won't tell me. It's a surprise.
Jackie: Oh, honey, it's blush, not spray paint.
Quote from Fez
Eric: Well, I called the Le Motel. Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.
Fez: And, Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.
Kelso: Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie's cheese. Some guy Phil's phone number. I -I can't take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde. She's cheating on me again.
Hyde: Kelso, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe I don't care. Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all Simon and Garfunkely. You gotta get Bruce Springsteeny. Springsteenian. Springsteenicious. Wait. What are we talking about?
Eric: Whoa. Hey, you guys, I'm not jealous. I'm just looking out for her. I mean, Donna's practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister. Who I've done it with. About a million times.
Hyde: Look, maybe Donna and Casey won't even do it tonight. I'd call it 50-50.
Eric: You would?
Hyde: Oh, I'd be wrong. But I'd call it that to keep you from doing something stupid.
Kelso: Forman, you gotta do something stupid. Sitting around feeling helpless all day, that isn't healthy. That's why I'm gonna stalk Jackie.
Fez: You know, I really love things with holes. Swiss cheese, doughnuts, inner tubes. I don't know what it is about a hole. It just feels good.
Quote from Kelso
Jackie: [answers phone] Hello?
Kelso: Is Phil there?
Kelso: Phil! Some guy you kissed! I found his number in your cheese!
Jackie: Michael, Phil's the guy who delivers the sausage.
Kelso: You tramp!
Jackie: No, idiot. He brings food to our store. He's our sausage guy.
Quote from Leo
Eric: [knocks on door] Donna, I have to talk to you. [Leo opens the door] Leo? Have you got Donna in there?
Leo: You know, I didn't think to ask.
Eric: Look, I have to find Donna. Casey's gonna surprise her with the honeymoon suite. And I know Donna. She's not gonna like that kind of surprise. So she'll probably be looking for an out, so I'm here to rescue her. Kind of like Luke did with Leia in Star Wars. You know, "I'm here to rescue you!"
Leo: The other honeymoon suite's across the hall, man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a game of Twister I gotta stretch for.
Quote from Red
Red: Okay, here's the thing. Bob really likes you. Why? Who knows? But that's America. Any kook can have any damn fool idea he wants.
Joanne: Look, I haven't had good luck with marriage. When my first husband and I were dating, he was great. But as soon as I married him, he turned into... Well, something like you.
Red: Well, I don't know what kind of crap your ex-husband used to pull, but whatever it was, Bob doesn't have it in him. He's just a nice, loyal guy with a big heart. He's perfect for a pushy gal like you.
Joanne: Well, he does have a big heart. And we do go well together. You know, Red, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a good guy.
Red: Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd think I cared.