[circle in the church:]
Eric: So... dipping into the frankincense, I see. Well, no more of that. Okay? We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done. And no spacemen. And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.
Kelso: And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials. I mean, when Rudolph's nose shone so bright and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night... That was a great moment in American history.
Hyde: Kelso, Rudolph was small, had a girlie voice and I'm pretty sure he was a little light in the hooves if you know what I mean.
Fez: [chuckles] Of course he was light in the hooves. He could fly! [chuckles] Oh, oh, oh. I would have guessed Prancer.
Eric: Well, you've all ignored me, so I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence. Guys, let's do this thing!
Pastor Dave: [enters] What on God's green earth?
Eric: But Pastor Dave, I was just-
Pastor Dave: Oh, I know what you were doing. I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert. I was handing out leaflets!
Eric: No, but I wasn't-
Pastor Dave: Eric Forman, you're fired.
Eric: You know what? Fine. [exits]
Kelso: Rudolph had a girlfriend! Her name was Clarice. She thought he was cute. Okay, if anyone was gay, it was that- that Hermey. I mean, no straight elf has hair like that.

Kitty: Oh, honey, you looked so sad. I am gonna let you open your big Christmas present early. [chuckles]
Eric: Wow, it's kind of the size of- [chuckles] And it's kind of heavy like-
Kitty: I knew you wanted one.
Eric: I can't believe that you finally got me - a rain coat!
Kitty: See, it's London Fog! Did I fool you? I put rocks in the bottom, so it would seem heavy. [chuckles]
Eric: That's clever.
Kitty: [laughs] Okay, now. I'm gonna wrap it back up. You can open it Christmas morning and pretend you're surprised.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Kitty: So, we got that to look forward to.

Eric: Man, remember when you used to come downstairs Christmas morning and you'd see your stocking over the fire all filled with toys?
Hyde: Well, one year, I saw my mom's panty hose on the radiator and, uh, Uncle "Strange Man" sleeping on the floor. He had a red nose though. That's Christmassy.

Eric: Yeah, Christmas used to be so cool. Now it's just another day.
Kitty: Okay. Okay. It sounds like somebody needs a little holiday cheer. I know! [laughing] You could direct the Christmas pageant at the church.
Eric: Hey, yeah, that's the worst idea I've ever heard!
Kitty: Eric, you used to love that pageant when you were a little boy. And you need some Christmas spirit. And I already signed you up.
Eric: Well, it was fun when we were kids. Then again, so was eating crayons. Yeah, okay. I'll do it.
Kitty: Good. Okay, now, Steven-
Hyde: No! No!
Kitty: Oh. So you won't be in a show about how there was no room at the inn even though this innkeeper gave you a room?
Hyde: Your guilt has no power over me! I'll do it.
Eric: Fa la la la la La la la- boned [chuckles]

Donna: Eric, I have a little problem with my part. Um, it turns out you have me playing a wise man. Why can't there be any wise women?
Eric: Yeah, okay. I'll take that up with the guy who wrote the Bible. Let me get back to you. Okay, Kelso, you are now playing a wise man.
Kelso: Or a space wise man.
Hyde: Better. Better.

Eric: Okay, uh, everyone? Everybody? Um, all of your ideas are all... um, stupid. Okay, moving on. Uh, at the end of the play, when Santa comes in the door-
Kelso: Ooh! How about-
Eric: Kelso, I swear to God if you say Space Santa, I'm gonna kick you in the head.
Kelso: Never mind.

Leo: Whoa, dudes. What'd you do, man?
Hyde: Leo, man. We're just about to light the Dave.
Leo: I can't believe you guys. You managed to bring a man of God to tears.
Pastor Dave: I'm not crying!
Leo: I'm talking about me, man. You know, you guys can hassle your skinny friend, Eric, but when it comes down to a fundamental moral core, he's the only one of you that's got one. So, congratulations. You've ruined Christmas. [exits]
Donna: Oh, man. Leo's right. I mean, this probably isn't our finest hour.
Hyde: I don't know. It's pretty damn fine.

Kelso: Well, Jackie, you know, since everything's ruined we could, I don't know, go home and watch Rudolph.
Jackie: Michael, those shows are for babies.
Kelso: But I want to watch it! I wanna!
Jackie: Grow up, Michael.
Kelso: [whimpers] You never let me have any fun!

Eric: Oh, well, if it isn't the dill-holes of Christmas past, present and future.
Donna: We came to talk to you about the pageant. Dave said he'll un-fire you.
Pastor Dave: 'Cause I'm cool.
Donna: And we'll do the pageant however you want.
Leo: Yeah, I set 'em straight, man.
Hyde: Look, Forman, just come on back, all right?
Jackie: Yeah, it'll be fun.
Donna: Yeah. We can all be together. I mean, it's Christmas, you know? [singsong] Plus, we got you a present.
Eric: Oh, man. A cassette deck. You guys, thanks.
Donna: So, you'll come back?
Eric: Yeah, okay.
Fez: Oh. Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

Red: Hey, those decorations aren't half bad.
Jackie: Look, it's snowing!
Bob: Yeah, I hooked up the snow machine. Don't nobody smoke though. This stuff might be toxic.
Kitty: Oh, a tape player. Didn't know you wanted one of those! [chuckles]
Eric: Isn't it beautiful? Hey, Steven.
Red: Fix that light up there, will you?
Fez: Ah, I dropped my candy.
Pastor Dave: Oh, no.
Kelso: [groans] Ah, my knee!
Hyde: How's that?
["Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays as the scene transforms into a nativity picture]