Red: Bob, your decorations are in the dumpster behind the liquor store.
Bob: Thanks, Red. If I had mistletoe, I'd kiss you.
Red: Yeah, well, if I had "mistlefoot," it'd be in your ass. [laughs]
Kitty: You know what I would like for Christmas? No more talk about you putting your foot in other people's rear ends.
Red: Maybe next year, Kitty.

Eric: Guys, check this out. It looks just like when we were kids. And look, the wise-men gifts: gold, myrrh, and- [sniffs] Hyde, I think this one's yours.
Hyde: That'd be my baggie of frankincense.

[As Red sneaks back into the house draped in Christmas decorations, he screams as he turns around and sees Kitty]
Kitty: Red, are you stealing Bob's Christmas decorations?
Red: It's only stealing if you, uh... if you keep it. I'm throwing all this crap away.
Kitty: Oh, my God. I'm married to the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch.
Red: Well, as long as you're not Mrs. Tattletale, we'll be fine.

Kelso: Uh, Eric, I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh, how about if I play him as a spaceman?
Eric: Okay, uh, Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Kelso: Oh, really? Well, where do you think God lives?
Leo: It's true, man. [points to the heavens]

Kitty: So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?
Eric: Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned 10.
Kitty: Steven made his.
Hyde: T-shirts.
Eric: Well, I guess I could ask for a cassette player for the Vista Cruiser like I have for the last 80 years. But I won't get one, so I might as well just ask for a raincoat.
Kitty: Oh, so you want a raincoat?

Kelso: You guys, you guys! Great news. Rudolph, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, The Little Drummer Boy... They're all on TV this week. We can watch 'em.
Hyde: Yeah. We can wear our p.j.'s and eat gumdrops and drink Kool-Aid. Hooray.
Kelso: Yeah!

Eric: Okay, guys, let's talk about your parts.
Jackie: Okay, Eric, I want to be the Virgin Mary. See, she's pure and holy and rides a unicorn.
Eric: No, Jackie, she doesn't ride a unicorn.
Jackie: She does now. A white unicorn with speckles. Write that down.

[Red is woken up by Christmas music and lights shining into his bedroom]
Red: What the hell?
Kitty: It's the Russians!
Red: Aw, geez. [opens window] Bob!
Bob: [o.s.] Hey there, hi there, ho-ho-ho there.
Red: Bob, it's midnight. Turn that crap off.
Bob: What would I do that for? Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus. I know what I want for Christmas.
Red: Bob, are you drunk?
Bob: I'm not sober.

[Kelso's animated dream sequence:]
Rudolph: Huh? What's the matter, Kelso?
Kelso: Rudolph, I can't watch you anymore. My friends say I'm too old.
Santa: Ho-ho-hold the phone! Too old for Christmas? That's nonsense.
Kelso: Yeah, but everyone's makin' fun of me.
Rudolph: You know, Kelso, people used to laugh and call me names.
Santa: "They wouldn't let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."
Kelso: So, what did you do?
Rudolph: I kicked 'em in the face. Blitzen bled like a faucet.
Kelso: Little Drummer Boy, what are you doing here?
Little Drummer Boy: Come, they told me.
Kelso: No, but what am I supposed to do? All my friends are gonna think that I'm a baby if I keep watching your shows.
Santa: Aw, screw those dumb-asses! If they're too old for Christmas specials, that's their loss.
Little Drummer Boy: Can I go now? I'm very cold.
Santa: Kelso, as long as you really, really believe in our magical world, nothing in life can ever hurt you.
Kelso: So, I can watch. [chuckles] I can watch! [flies] Whoo-hoo! I can watch! I can watch! I can watch!
[As Kelso gets struck by lightening and falls into Santa's arms, his nose turns red.]
Santa: Look at that face.

Fez: How come the foreign guy has to play the shepherd? I have never herded sheep in my life. Well, once, as a favor. Why can't I be a lifeguard?
Kelso: Or a space lifeguard.
Fez: Then I could herd all the ladies into the pool. "Into the pool, ladies!" Now, that's a good role.