Season 6, Episode 14 - Aired March 25, 2021
Amy returns to Cloud 9 to help the employees make the store perfect for one day as an analyst from Corporate visits to decide the branch's fate.
Quote from Jonah
Reporter: This is the first time multiple feet have been delivered at once. Do you believe this is some sort of gruesome final event?
Jonah: I don't know why you think I would have anything useful to say on that front, um, but you know what's never final? Any purchase that you make here. Let me... Let me tell you about our return policy.
Reporter: So you're not concerned this is hurting business? I might think twice about shopping at this store.
Jonah: Okay, yeah, a lot of feet turn up here. I'm sorry we're not literally perfect, Natalie.
Garrett: [watching on TV] Yikes.
Jonah: We just... We... We keep trying to show everybody that we're the perfect store, and the truth is we're not. Okay? We're... We're just us, but we're here every single day. When it rains, when it snows, when it... when it tornadoes, when there's a plague and you're all safe at home, except for when you come here to cough, we're here just... just trying to get you what you need, and... and all we want is to keep doing that.
Reporter: Emotions running high here, preventing people from staying on topic. Back to you, Skip.
Quote from Carol
Dina: Okay, everybody calm down. They're gonna keep some stores open, and Amy's gonna do everything she can to make sure we're one of them, so there's no need to freak out about this.
Janet: That's easy for you to say. You make manager money. The rest of us, we need this job.
Sandra: Mm-hmm. Well, except Carol.
Carol: Oh, 'cause of my settlement? Hey, I still need this job to keep me grounded. [others groan]
Garrett: Seems to be working so far.
Quote from Cheyenne
Cheyenne: Hey, okay, guys, come on. Obviously, Jonah's got some ideas. We haven't even let him talk. Jonah?
Jonah: I mean, I'm not sure that there's anything that we can do. [others groan] I'm just trying to be realistic. I mean, we've been flattened by these guys over and over. I just... Yeah, I don't know what to say.
Cheyenne: Uh, hey, I'm not sure that's an idea so much as a downer, so maybe next time just don't stop the meeting if you don't have anything.
Jonah: Yeah. My bad.
Quote from Sandra
Sandra: Must be nice. Thinking about buying the fancy vacuum cleaner with the ball thingy like it's just a regular vacuum cleaner with no ball thingy.
Garrett: Yeah, and she bought a Dustbuster yesterday. She's just rubbing it in our faces.
Quote from Mateo
Mateo: You guys are missing the headline here. The store closing could ruin my life.
Garrett: It's not really a Powerball jackpot for any of us.
Mateo: Yeah, but you guys are citizens. You can get any job you want. I need to start thinking of a backup plan.
Sandra: Tony's looking for someone to feed his sharks. The trick is you have to wiggle the food in the water to make it look alive.
Mateo: Okay, so "food wiggler" is the job to beat.
Garrett: Maybe we should just all ask Carol for money.
Mateo: I mean, I guess it's possible she might need a personal assistant.
Sandra: Maybe. You think she'd be cool with paying you cash under the table?
Mateo: Of course. That's how all rich people pay their immigrants. I bet Dianne Wiest hasn't paid a payroll tax in her entire life.
Quote from Carol
Mateo: Carol, congrats on the settlement.
Carol: Oh, thank you, but it was never really about the money. It was about the attention.
Mateo: Either way, well-deserved. [laughs] Hey, listen, do you want a latte? I accidentally put vanilla in it, and then I thought, "That's how Carol likes it!"
Carol: Wow, I can't believe you remember that.
Mateo: What can I say? I'm very detail-orientated. Of course, now you can buy all the lattes you want. You'll need 'em. You'll be busy now. Social engagements, travel planning... I guess that's why wealthy people get personal assistants, huh?
Carol: Oh, I don't know if I need a personal assistant. I like to be hands-on with everything in my life, especially the men. Am I right?
Mateo: [laughs] You are right... and I love it.
Quote from Dina
Dina: I know Amy being back is a very big deal, so as her best friend, I'm just going to put to rest any possible questions so we can save time. Yes, California is warm. No, Zephra does not have those egg-shaped nap pods. Yes, she is roughly the same weight as when she left, and, yes, Parker is still frail and practically translucent.
Amy: No, actually, Parker is thriving in California. He loves it. Both kids do. And so do I... [laughs] But I am happy to see all of you.
Dina: Okay, Amy, you heard me. There's no time.
Amy: Then why did you bring up my weight?
Quote from Carol
Sandra: Question. What does this mean for you and Jonah?
Jonah: No, this isn't about...
Amy: No, we're not... That's not what we're here for.
Marcus: Yeah, Sandra. Besides, it doesn't matter. Jonah's seeing someone.
Amy: Oh, well, that's great for Jonah. It's none of my business.
Carol: It's my lawyer, and she's a redhead, so safe bet is, she's, like, the filthiest freak in the world.
Sandra: Jonah, no!
Quote from Amy
Mateo: Also, Amy, you should know, Kelly came back, although nothing happened.
Jonah: Why should she know that?
Marcus: Oh, and he also asked Nia out, but she's a lesbian.
Janet: At least, that's what she told him.
Nia: No, I am a lesbian.
Justine: Doesn't matter. He's all about Amy now.
Glenn: Okay, guys, I get that this is really interesting, but come on, we're trying to save our store here. So why don't we split into two meetings?
Dina: Yeah, do you want to take the store-saving one, and I'll take the Jonah-Amy one?
Glenn: See, this is why we have two managers.
Cheyenne: I call Dina's meeting.
Amy: Okay, how about zero meetings? [all jeer]
Quote from Garrett
Garrett: [over PA] And dishwasher pods are two-for-one while supplies last, so get 'em while you can. Meaning they might sell out, not that the store's... Uh, please hold.