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All Sales Final

‘All Sales Final’

Season 6, Episode 15 -  Aired March 25, 2021

The Cloud 9 employees look to their futures as the store opens for its last day.

Quote from Glenn

Jonah: So... retirement, huh? Got any big plans?
Glenn: Yeah, I think I might finally watch The Queen's Gambit.
Jonah: Okay, so that's... seven episodes. What else?
Glenn: Well, I hadn't really thought much beyond that. Gosh, I guess there's gonna be a lot of hours to fill, huh?
Jonah: Yeah, yeah, but that's a good thing, right, Glenn? I mean, I'm sure you've got hobbies.
Glenn: No, 'cause work is all I've ever known, Jonah. I mean, I started at my dad's hardware store when I was eight, and before that, I worked at the tollbooth.
Jonah: Glenn, I'm sure you're gonna be fine. I- There's gotta be something that you can do.
Glenn: Well, what if I got a 500 piece puzzle? That'd take up some time, right?
Jonah: Some.
Glenn: What, you want me to get a 1,000 piece puzzle? How much table space do you think I have, Jonah?


Quote from Jonah

Glenn: [on video] Jonah Simms. Wow, you have had a lot of jobs.
Jonah: [on video] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I worked at a consulting firm for a few months and then an ad agency for six weeks. I sold gym memberships. I went to business school for a semester, but now I'm just at a place in my life where I really want to change. You know, I just want to spend a couple months just not using my brain. [all jeer]
Jonah: All right, yeah, I know. I get it. I know. I can't listen to myself either, so enjoy. [laughter] All right, all right.
Glenn: [on video] Use your brain?
Jonah: [on video] No, no, I mean, it's not just that. It's you know, when you think about it, a store like this is actually pretty incredible, you know? You help people do their homework and find their styles and feed their grandchildren. You know, there's magic in that. I don't know, people always talk about going out and finding something special, but, you know, maybe we don't have to look that hard. You know, maybe everything is special.

Quote from Garrett

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, shoppers. It's the final day of our liquidation sale before the doors close for good. Our selection's fairly picked over, but the following items are still available: Ladies' golf shoes size 14 and above, grape-scented laundry detergent, and the VHS box set of Sweet Valley High. Buy 'em while you can, or else wait a day and fish 'em out of our dumpster.

Quote from Mateo

Glenn: You know, Mateo, it's funny. You're undocumented, and I'm over 60, and America doesn't want either of us to work anymore.
Mateo: [chuckles] Right, but... I'm under constant fear of deportation, and you get discounts at movie theaters, so...
Glenn: Not new releases.
Mateo: Wow, must be awful to live in terror of spoilers. Excuse me.

Quote from Sandra

Dina: You're not thinking about getting back on that merry-go-round, are you? Is this, like, a "you break it, you bought it" situation?
Amy: Dina, it's not like that. No, it's just, once I got out to California, everything just felt... [exhales heavily] And... I don't know, I think I... I think I made a mistake not marrying Jonah.
Sandra: Ya think?! [drops broom] I just- I can't anymore.

Quote from Sandra

Sandra: You okay?
Dina: Oh. I'm the new fulfillment center manager, but I can only keep five employees, and I can't make up my mind.
Sandra: When I have a tough decision to make, I like to spend a Sunday on the bus. Pack a little lunch, and just bus on it.
Dina: Ah, Sandra, I can't get sucked into your bleak life, okay? Zephra needs a list now.
Sandra: Okay.
[Sandra circles Marcus, Justine, Shannon, Lou and Sandra, writing an *AM next to her own name]
Sandra: Done.
Dina: Yeah, that's it. [laughs] Why the "AM" next to your name?
Sandra: 'Cause I'm your assistant manager. [drops marker] [runs out and returns] If that's okay with you. I don't want to be presumptuous.
Dina: No, you're in.
Sandra: I was going for, like, a... cool, badass moment. [picks up marker]
Dina: Yeah, I got that.
Sandra: Good. [goes to drop marker again]
Dina: Yeah, you don't need to do- [Sandra drops marker again] Okay, you did. All right.

Quote from Dina

[on video:]
Glenn: Oh, my God. You worked at The Spaghetti Factory? I go there all the time.
Dina: Wait a minute, I know you. Fettuccine Alfredo, side of grilled cheese, three glasses of juice.
Glenn: That's incredible. Yeah.
Sandra: Aw, you guys used to get along.
[on video:]
Dina: I also worked in the bird department at Petco.
Glenn: Oh. God, you know, I don't get how people can keep birds as pets. They're disgusting. Rats with feathers.
Dina: Uh-huh. Let's move on.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were the most annoying person I'd ever met, with your "moments of beauty," "seize the day" crap like you'd watched Dead Poets Society too many times.
Jonah: Shows what you know. You can't watch Dead Poets Society too many times.
Amy: I hated how cheesy you were. I hated how "woke" you were. I hated how often you used the word "artisan." But most of all, I hated how you believed that life could be better than it was. And yet here we are. And my life is so much better than it was... because of you. And I... I screwed it all up. I know that. But you waited six years for me, so if I have to wait another-
Jonah: [kisses Amy] I'm sorry, it's just, you were talking so much. I didn't know what to do.
Woman: Excuse me. Hi. Does the "cup" in "menstrual cup" refer to, like, the shape or the volume?

Quote from Garrett

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, shoppers. Please bring your final purchases up to checkout, 'cause this store is about to close forever. On behalf of everyone here at Cloud 9, I'd just like to say... buh bye. [chuckles softly] Sorry, that shouldn't be the last thing I say. Twenty years of announcements. I mean, I'm not a sentimental guy. That's not my thing. But it did just occur to me that this is... this is the end. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's a job. If jobs were fun, they wouldn't pay us to do it. But occasionally there were moments that... weren't so bad. And for whatever reason, those are... the only things I can remember right now. [montage] You know, most jobs suck 99% of the time. So you really... really gotta enjoy those moments that don't... [Glenn, Mateo and Cheyenne at "Sturgis & Sons"] Those bits of fun you have during downtime... Or an interesting conversation with a coworker... [Sandra, Marcus, Dina and Justine in the fulfillment center] Or something happens that you can laugh about later... [Amy giving a corporate presentation when a slide of her honeymoon with Jonah appears] Or you do something that you're actually proud of. [Jonah in his campaign office as he runs for city council] If you're lucky, maybe you even get to be friends with a coworker or two along the way. Not sure what else you could want in a job. [everyone at a barbecue] [Jonah and Amy putting Parker and Carter to bed, with glow-in-the-dark stars on the boys' bedroom ceiling] At any rate... thank you for shopping with us. Cloud 9 is now closed.

Quote from Jonah

Jonah: They switched us over to CCDs. Here, look. You have to press these two buttons at the same time, and you've gotta get it closer than you did with the lasers.
Amy: Got it. Thank you for the pro tip.
Jonah: [bad New York accent] You know, it's always nice when a, uh, working stiff like me can help out a fancy dame, you know?
Amy: You know, I still have no idea what that accent is, and I think it's gotten worse.
Jonah: Oh, oh, come on, now. I'm a little rusty, you know? I haven't done it in a New York minute.
Amy: Maybe the accent goes away with the store.

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