Elliot: Just avoid the breast region. They're big, but they're not for touching, too sore. And let's just avoid the thighs. They sort of are like memory foam. They leave a handprint. And I have the elbows of a 75-year-old black man.

Dr. Cox: So Jordan is after my stuff, but there is no way that succubus is gonna get my recliner after I die. It is the one chair I sit in when I watch TV and yell at sports figures and reality stars.
Denise: Fine. Right before you kick it, stick a dead bird underneath the cushion. That'll get ripe real fast, and you can sit back and watch the whole show from hell.
Dr. Cox: Mahoney, you are a promising young doctor, you are.

Elliot: They were married 47 years.
Dr. Cox: Jordan and I have been together for almost 30.
Elliot: Yeah, but life expectancy for people your age is excellent. You know, unless you're a type-A workaholic In a high-stress job with, like, a lot of built-up anger.
Dr. Cox: Enough. You're not crying, are you?
Elliot: [sobbing] I was joking at first, but, um, I'm just having a pregnancy moment here. I just- I'm just really gonna miss you when you're gone!

Lucy: This is Ben's heart we're talking about. It's where he stores his feelings and memories.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, apparently the heart stores memories! Future doctors! [descending whistle]

J.D.: I'm so glad you chose me to confide in, Perry. Denise caught me up to speed. By the by, I've got some lady problems, too.
Dr. Cox: You do realize that by saying something like that to me, you're just continuing the never-ending cycle of abuse?
J.D.: I don't do it on purpose.
J.D.: [v.o.] I do. I love the attention.

J.D.: So I explained to Elliot that we have to make more time for each other before the baby comes, and she won't listen to me.
Dr. Cox: Dorian, you're a fool.
J.D.: Oh, why do you have to be that way, Perry?
J.D.: [v.o.] More, please!
Dr. Cox: A wife cannot hear logic from her husband. It must come from someone else. A friend, a stranger, Oprah. If barbie will not listen to what's good for her, then you just gotta make it happen.
J.D.: You're good. I love confiding with you, Perry. Let's do more later.

Turk: I'm gonna tell you about my friend Jake. Jake and I have played in a weekly basketball game for about seven years. Our kids go to the same school together. He's really important to me, and this is him right here. [sings] Your minds are blown!
Drew: So why are we going to be looking into your friend's guts?
Turk: For Lucy. Look, I know Ben's real to you. But your patients are always gonna be real. And the truth is, there are gonna be many a times where you're gonna have to hurt them in order to help them, like I'm doing with my friend here.

Dr. Cox: There. I just signed your ridiculous will. But before I give it to you, I'd like you to make me a promise that just you and I can go away this weekend. No kids.
Jordan: The no-kids thing is not really a big deal, 'cause I don't see them that much anyway. But it would be really nice to get away from the nannies.
Dr. Cox: Your will. I'd like to propose a toast. To our deaths. May they be untimely and inconvenient for all our loved ones.
Jordan: So sweet. [clink]
Dr. Cox: I love you.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess you're just lucky if you have someone who'll go along for the ride with you.
Elliot: I can't believe we're having a baby.
J.D.: I know. It's pretty amazing, huh? This is pretty awesome, though, right? I mean, just as good as hotel sex.
Elliot: You know, there is a HoJo's down the street. Thin walls, scratchy towels, sketchy types out front. What do you say?
J.D.: Motel sex? Ooh. It'll be like I'm a senator, and you're a tobacco lobbyist. We should arrive separately. [Elliot laughs] Or you're a bored housewife, and I'm a strapping drifter looking for a warm meal and some comfort.
Elliot: J.D., come here. [they kiss]

Lucy: Drew, isolate the tendon of the brachialis, and, Cole, though I've almost reconciled the fact that you are both my Boyfriend and probably the human being I respect least on earth, you know, besides myself.
Cole: We did it twice this morning.
Drew: Nobody's ever cared about anything you've ever said, ever.
Lucy: That's it. Don't even come by my room later.
Cole: Really?
Lucy: No.