Dr. Molly Clock: Perry. You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he's not my cousin. And, you know, his name isn't Perry. It's Jeff.
Dr. Cox: That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me.
Dr. Molly Clock: Interesting.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Roman, ga-reat news.
Mr. Roman: I don't need surgery. Yeah, Dr. Turk just told me.
Turk: Yeah, you shoulda seen him. He was so happy, he started dancing. Not standing up, but while lying in his bed. It was sort of like buh-buh-buh from like the waist up?
Dr. Cox: You stole my moment. And you will pay.
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, this is good!

Carla: I've told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident, but she just ignored me.
Nurse Roberts: Maybe she's racist.
Carla: Whatever. It's fine, it's fine. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.
Nurse Roberts: Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Molly Clock: Nurse Roberts, if you still wanna talk about that situation with your husband, we can go to my office now.
Nurse Roberts: Excuse me.

J.D.: [v.o.] When Turk told me he pissed Dr. Cox off by stealing his moment, I decided not to share it with Elliot.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, can you come take a look at my patient's rash? It's really weird.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I would love to come take a look at your patient's rash. But, also, if time allows, maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress.
Elliot: I have sketches in my locker.
Dr. Cox: Pst, Barbie. Listen carefully, because the policy remains unchanged. Unless someone is dying and puh-lease note, dying, not dead, I'm not interested. And P.S., just a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate. God almighty.
J.D.: Wow. Don't feel bad, you couldn't have seen it coming. Awful, though. Well, I'm off to pilates.

J.D.: [v.o.] I didn't feel bad, because a lot of people were playing dirty around here.
Dr. Cox: I've told him all about the surgery, and he is good to go.
Turk: Hey, so what do you say we yank out that gallbladder?
Man: That's the way you tell me I need major surgery!?
Turk: You said you told him.
Dr. Cox: Oh, stop it. Why would I steal your moment? Except for maybe because payback is a bitch.

Carla: Have one, baby. You'll feel better.
Dr. Molly Clock: Turk, I heard your conflict with Dr. Cox escalated? You know, he's already starting to look like the breakout character of my case study? The one that people love to hate? Anyway, in my opinion, it is more effective to address the situation than it is to become self-destructive by over-indulging a sweet tooth.
Turk: She's right.
Carla: You don't have that cookie, we're getting a divorce.
Turk: But baby, I'm not hungry now.
Carla: Eat it.

Dr. Molly Clock: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Dr. Molly Clock: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."
J.D.: Great. Maybe we could make it permanent.
Dr. Molly Clock: Johnny.
J.D.: Of course not.

Elliot: Okay, instead of sharing you all, we're gonna separate you into two resident teams so that J.D. and I never have to see each other.
J.D.: I'll take Doug.
Doug: Yes! Suck on that! Thanks, J.D. First pick.
J.D.: Relax, Doug, you're the only one whose name I know.

Elliot: I'll take Indian Elvis.
Doug: Pick the hot chick.
J.D.: Shut up, Doug! We'll take the hot chick?
Amy: Yeah, uh, name's Amy, actually.
J.D.: John Dorian, chief resident. Website's on the back.

Turk: Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break. And if it breaks, he's going to need surgery. And if you perform it, then, of course, he's going to need a casket.