‘My Office’
Season 4, Episode 2 - Aired September 7, 2004
Elliot decides to throw her hat in the ring for the position of Chief Resident, competing with J.D. After a patient of theirs doesn't need surgery, Turk steals Dr. Cox's chance to finally give good news. Carla is upset that her friends are turning to Dr. Molly Clock (Heather Graham) for advice. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso wants Dr. Cox to deal with a young man with a light bulb stuck up his butt.
Quote from Doug
Dr. Kelso: Maybe I wasn't clear. This patient is important. Translation: Don't pass him off to dumb guy.
Doug: Sir, I take issue with that.
Dr. Kelso: Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies to get the lightbulb out of the patient by doing what?
Doug: Shaking him like a beach towel.
Dr. Kelso: Goodbye.
Quote from Todd
Dr. Kelso: Last chance, Perry. Fix this kid. I paged a surgical consult.
Dr. Cox: 'Course you did.
Todd: Heard this guy's got a lightbulb up his ass.
Dr. Cox: Are are you the- the surgical consult?
Todd: No, I'm not even working today. I just want to ask him four questions.
Quote from Janitor
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess the only thing to do when you're in the middle of it is to hope that nothing makes it worse.
Janitor: Cleaning time! Don't worry, I'll go fast. [sprays]
J.D.: [groans]
Janitor: Whoop, that one got away.
J.D.: It burns!
Janitor: Ammonia burns? Hm. Write that down.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: So, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.
Turk: What crowd? I thought nobody wanted to take the case?
Dr. Cox: At first. But now that it's become a bit of a hospital mystery, every jackass in the joint is going to want to come in here and give their two cents worth.
[montage:]
Dr. Mickhead: If we could just find the lamp the bulb came from.
Doctor: Leon's trained to retrieve things.
Dr. Zeltzer: That's why my wife and I use candles.
Turk: Zeltzer, you are hands-down the most disturbing man I've ever met in my life.
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh, stop it. Hey, are you and your wife open-minded?
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: Boohoo. Where's my win? Think anybody thanks me for cleaning bathrooms?
Turk: Janitor, the bathrooms are filthy.
Janitor: Well, no one was thanking me, so I quit cleaning 'em.
Quote from Dr. Molly Clock
J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Molly Clock, the new attending psychiatrist. Yes, she was hot! But I wasn't a fan. For one thing, she's always calling me Johnny. Also, she wasn't very nice.
Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, sit with us. We'll make room, even if I have to stand.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: Well, I'm starting my endocrinology and metabolism fellowship. I'm really looking forward to cataloging all of the genetic variations of... [J.D., Turk, Carla and Doug snore] Oh, really? Well, excuse me for taking an interest in hormonal regulatory research and relate... [Turk and Carla drop their heads to the table]
Quote from Carla
Carla: You know, Elliot, I still think you'd make a good chief resident.
Elliot: Carla, for the five billionth time, I'm not interested.
Dr. Molly Clock: I think you would be a great chief resident.
Elliot: You do?
Carla: I just said that.
Turk: I know.
J.D.: Sorry, ladies, job's taken.
Elliot: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.
Carla: Well maybe it's not too late.
Elliot: Yeah it is, Carla.
Dr. Molly Clock: Maybe it's not.
Elliot: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't.
Carla: What the hell?
Turk: They're all against you.
Quote from J.D.
Lyle: Hey, do you have a magazine?
J.D.: Not in me. I mean, on me.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody.
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!
[fantasy: J.D. puts a hose in Lyle's mouth:]
J.D.: Hit the water! [lightbulb pops out the rear]
[reality:]
J.D.: I'll impress him some other way.