Dr. Cox: Well, if it isn't Nurse "Everything happens for a reason". [spills coffee] Oh, gosh, darn it. I went ahead and spilled a little coffee, I wonder what the reason was for that! [J.D. slips]
J.D.: Okay, I am not moving until you at least offer to help me up.
Dr. Cox: There is no rhyme or reason to anything. Why can't you just get that?
Nurse Roberts: Why is it so important that everyone believes what you do?
Dr. Cox: Because I'm right and I'm the only one with any proof.
J.D.: I'm still down here.
Nurse Roberts: You don't need proof when the good Lord fills your heart with faith.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God!
[A nurse walks over J.D.]
J.D.: Ouch! Thank you for that Noelle.
Nurse Roberts: You can keep on huffing and puffing all you want to, you're never gonna change the way I feel.
Dr. Cox: Oh, please! I'm so angry right now!
J.D.: You know what? We're no longer speaking!

Keith: Guys? I need some help over here.
J.D.: [v.o.] There are a lot of different ways to win an argument. You can win it with an ultimatum.
Carla: I interviewed 23 girls until I found Heather, but if I ever catch you eyeballing her again, I will fire her tight little butt. And then you'll get to spend every waking moment interviewing the next 23 fugly ass candidates until we find another good one.

J.D.: [v.o.] You could try to win it with logic.
Elliot: Tell Dr. Kelso that I know it's against hospital policy, but that this dog has literally helped keep Mrs. Dombrow alive.
[later:]
Dr. Kelso: Mrs. Dombrow passed away this morning at 4:00 am. Tell Dr. Reid there will be consequences for her insubordination and say it with this face. [pulls a scary face]

J.D.: [v.o.] But the best way to win an argument is to simply leave your opponent speechless.
Keith: I think she was stubbed by a guy at the grocery store. She's 8 years old.
Dr. Cox: Why don't you go and tell me what the reason is for this?

Dr. Cox: And then, ba-bam! I blew Laverne's argument clean out of the water when I asked her why an 8-year old got knifed.
Jordan: Oh, my God, that is so lucky.
Dr. Cox: I know. I was thrilled. But then, Laverne ruined everything.
[flashback:]
Nurse Roberts: There's a reason for this. God's gonna show us eventually.

Elliot: What's he smiling about?
Janitor: Because of the dog thing, Dr. Kelso wants me to tell you that he has informed your office that you are temporarily suspended from practicing at Sacred Heart. Just so you know, I told him he was being ridiculous.
Elliot: And what did he say?
Dr. Kelso: He said: "Careful, Jumpsuit. Who sign your paychecks?" And I said: "I don't know, the chief accountant, Charles Fickenson or Dickenson or something, I can't read the signature. And for the hundredth time this is not a jumpsuit. It's a shirt and a pants. Who wears a belt with the jumpsuit?" And he said...
Dr. Kelso: Random nurse, could you please send out a memo that unauthorized personnel are not allowed in the hospital.

Dr. Cox: Laverne, excuse me, this, um, this is Mr. Peterson. He's that young lady's father. And as you can imagine, he's having... He's having a pretty tough time with all of this. And since you believe that everything happens for a reason I was hoping you'd be able to tell him why this happened.
Nurse Roberts: That's not her dad. That's the delivery guy in a sweater.
Lloyd: My name's Lloyd.
Dr. Cox: [slaps him] Stay in character.
Lloyd: She's my world.

Dr. Cox: Okay, imagine that this idiot were her father. What the hell would you say to him?
Radiologist: Oh, my God, there's a tumor the size of a golfball, right where the knife went in. If we hadn't found this, she'd be a goner.
Nurse Roberts: I think that's what I'd say.

Elliot: So until Kelso reinstates me here, my practice has me doing house calls on all the rich clients. During the last one, I'm taking the woman's vitals and her grandson kept trying to poke his tiny little fingers up my butt.
Carla: Kids, huh?
Elliot: He's 41, Carla. He just has very small hands.
Carla: Oh, that's not right.
Elliot: Can you believe Kelso?
Carla: Dr. Kelso is just angry, Elliot. I mean, have you ever considered it from his side? This hospital trains you for five years and you go get a better job. Which is great but, I mean... Let me ask you this: Have you ever once thanked him?

Turk: So, how was your date with Heather?
J.D.: It was touch and go, in the end.
[flashback to J.D. and Heather talking by his car:]
J.D.: I had a really good time, Heather.
Heather: Thanks, me too. [offers handshake]
J.D.: [v.o.] But I knew you needed me, so I went for it... in Italian style.
J.D.: That's not what you want. [moves hand away, Heather kisses him]
J.D.: [v.o.] And just when I couldn't get any better
Chad: J.D.?
J.D.: Oh, my God! Chad Miller, Danny Murphy, Jim Staeger. The three football players that used to beat me up in high school.
Chad: Looks like we're wrong about you, man.
J.D.: What are you guys up to now?
Chad: We're all gay together.
J.D.: Oh.
Chad: You remember Christine Fisher?
J.D.: Of course! You turned me down for a homecoming and prom, even though I didn't ask it either one.
Christine: Well, I'd love to make it up to you and have sex with both of you, if that's all right with you, Heather.
Heather: As long as you make it all about J.D.
J.D.: Sure. Come on in!
Chad: Enough of this, let's go bang!
[present:]
J.D.: And that's why Heather will never look attractive to you again.
Turk: Come on, buddy.
J.D.: Where did I lose you?
Turk: How did Christine know Heather's name?
J.D.: Damn! You're good.