J.D.: Oh, you know, Heather, I actually have a little nanny related question. Does a spoonful of sugar really make the medicine go down?
Heather: You know what? Sometimes it does.
J.D.: [v.o.] That was totally worth the six hours I spent last night writing that.

Nurse Roberts: Does it help to know that Jesus loves you?
Dr. Cox: It does not.
Nurse Roberts: Well, everything happens for a reason.
Dr. Cox: Are you really trying to tell me that things like New Orleans, AIDS, sugar free ice-creams, crack babies, Hugh Jackman and cancer all happen for a reason? Because, I'm sorry, I'm- I'm just not buying that.
Nurse Roberts: "God works all things for good". Romans, 8.28.
Dr. Cox: Bull dinky. Perry Cox, 6' 1". A buck eighty-five after lunch.

Dr. Cox: Move!
Elliot: What's up to your butt?!
Nurse Roberts: Yeah. What is all up in there?
Dr. Cox: Why don't you hop aboard the "What's up Dr. Cox's butt" trolley and we can begin our tour. Coming up on the left, is my bloated, bed-ridden ex-wife, who's not allowed to lift a finger, which, thankfully, leaves it all up to these guys. Now, if you'll look to your right, you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul and my very last nerve, which I would advise you not to get on, under, or even close to.

Elliot: Thank you so much for helping me sneak Boomer in, Janitor.
Janitor: No problem. here you go boy.
Elliot: Okay, right? Okay.
Janitor: Oh, what a good boy. What a good boy.
Elliot: Wait, what happens to all of your cleaning supplies?
Janitor: Actually, it's a very funny story... [looks off into the distance]
Elliot: And?
Janitor: Nothing, I'm just looking at my cleaning supplies, I got drunk last night and threw them up in that tree.

Janitor: Anyway, let's do this. Just stay cool.
Elliot: No problemo.
[later:]
Elliot: Oh, top of the morning, Dr. Walter Mickhead? Snoop Dogg resident, when we hittin' the club, dude? Oh, Colonel Doctor, that tie looks finger-looking good.
Janitor: So natural, did you act in college?
Elliot: I did, thank you.
Janitor: I can tell.

Elliot: Hey, Carla. Check it out!
Carla: He's so cuuute!
[The dog climbs out of the janitor's cart and hops up on a wheelchair]
Janitor: Here comes trouble.
Carla: Oh no, don't worry, Dr. Kelso never makes eye contact with patients.
Dr. Kelso: Morning, sir.
[Dr. Kelso passes the dog in the chair and stops in his tracks. When he turns around, there's an elderly patient in the chair.]
Dr. Kelso: Right. Hello again, sir!
Carla: Nice job, Mr. Burklin.

Todd: Fire up the smut.
Turk: How did you summon everybody so quickly?
Todd: Oh, I got the word out.
[fantasy: Todd is on the roof with a long horn:]
Todd: Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby!
Dr. Kelso: We did everything we could for your mom, but sometimes life just...
Todd: Booby!
Dr. Kelso: Gotta go, booby horn.

[As Betty's dog Boomer licks her face]
Elliot: God, Keith and I haven't had sex in so long.
Carla: Okay, you said the same thing when you saw me changing Izzy's diaper, what are you and Keith doing to each other?

Ted: I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom is watching.

Todd: Can you make her eat a banana?
J.D.: It's not interactive, Todd.