J.D.: He's just mad because I won't help him move.
Jordan: Well, tou should have done it. Helping someone move is like oral sex. You do it once, and then they owe you for life.
Elliot: My high school boyfriend is an accountant now and he still does my taxes free. You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's.

Dr. Kelso: My son Harrison dabbles in sadomasochism and he has a new gimp named Barry. Or is it Larry? At my age it's getting harder to keep track of his gimps.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working.
Dr. Cox: I wish I had better news for you. Unfortunately, we're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with this medication.
Mrs. Donnelly: What are our options?
Dr. Cox: I'm afraid there are no other options.
Paige: There's always prayer.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.
Paige: You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.
Dr. Cox: Could I speak with you in the "stop filling my patient's head with false hope" ward?

Turk: Damn it, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk.
Turk: J.D.
J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this.

J.D.: Morning, sunshine.
Dr. Cox: Never say that again.
J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St.
Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine right across from Temple Oheb Shalom at 4pm?
Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D.: Mark my words. When that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.

Carla: I paged you an hour ago.
Turk: I was in surgery.
Carla: Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?
Turk: Guess we're not having sex?
Carla: Oh, no. We're having sex. Get in there.
Turk: Wait, baby, I'm too full.
Carla: Now, Turk!
Turk: Man!

J.D.: Long story short, after confirming it with my bunkmates, that counselor and his "friendship" lotion were transferred out of our cabin and we never spoke about it again.
Janitor: Well, what doesn't kill you...
J.D.: [v.o.] We were thick as two thieves in a pod.
Janitor: OK, time to move some of the heavier stuff, so you might want to put on these gloves. And the attic upstairs has a lot of fiberglass in it, so a little hat.
J.D.: Thanks, pal.
Janitor: Sure, bud.

J.D.: [v.o.] And I've always known if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship to a difficult co-worker...
Man: Who are you?
J.D.: [v.o.] I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.
J.D.: [v.o.] I couldn't help wondering what the sentence was for stealing a buddha. After all, people get pretty sensitive about religion.

Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?
Paige: Fine, it was medicine.
Dr. Cox: A-ha!
Paige: Thank God for creating medicine.
Dr. Cox: [muttering] That's it! That is it! [Jack giggles] Now, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one. No way. No how. Come on, Jackie boy, we've got places to go.

Turk: All right. So angry sex is awesome. That's no reason to go down a bad road.
[montage:]
Turk: Baby, you know what I miss? When your body was kickin'.
Turk: I ain't touching no damn diapers. [screams]
Turk: Baby, all I'm saying is, in some European countries, it's totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress.
Carla: What are you?
[later:]
Carla: I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said.
Turk: Worth it.