J.D.: [v.o.] Now that I'm on the lam, I thought about two things: One, what my prison name would be.
J.D.: Gizmo.
J.D.: [v.o.] And two, whether some relationships were beyond repair. Then fate threw me another curve.
J.D.: Hey, who's your friend?
Dr. Cox: My boy in a dress. Who's yours?
J.D.: Well, seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit, I'd say he's my new god. You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours.
Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son.

Turk: Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop.
Carla: I'll be right out. I'm just fixing my hair.
Turk: Rake's in the closet, baby. [to Elliot] Help me!

Elliot: Turk, just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.
Turk: I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex.
Elliot: Well, it's not.
[flashback to Elliot and her date making out in a car in the woods:]
Elliot: Honey for my honey. [bear growls]
Elliot's date: Why are you stopping?
[They scream as the bear rocks their car]
[present:]
Elliot: Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm is a much worse consequence of sex.

Turk: You have to help me end this angry sex cycle.
Carla: I'm ready.
Elliot: Oh, Carla, Turk's making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good. [inhales deeply] The cycle is broken.

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here.
J.D.: He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.

J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? How do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.
J.D.: You turned me into a felon!

Dr. Cox: You know what there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. And take Jack. Jordan will kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you. You're one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy, I need to stop fixing people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome.
J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.
Dr. Cox: Huh.
J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you.
Dr. Cox: It doesn't.
J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

J.D.: "So do you like pie? Look at me. Do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie? I love pie. Incidentally, where do you buy your loincloths?"

Jordan: I don't think I can do this without Perry. He's my everything.
Paige: It would be weird if you were like that.

Turk: I just don't understand why we can't have fun.
Carla: I am just glad you had to hurt my feelings.
Turk: I can't believe you! Calm down.
Carla: Calm down? I'm gonna kill you!
Turk: [to the heavens] You hear that? She's gonna kill me. Get her.
Elliot: OK, look. You two stop fighting or I will turn this church around!