Elliot: What's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. We haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
J.D.: [v.o.] Once a month? That's crazy!

Janitor: [ominous music plays, suddenly stops] Oh, hey, fellas. I'm trying to give somebody the evil eye over there. Would you mind breaking it up so I can? You understand. Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. Thank you. [ominous music resumes]

J.D.: [v.o.] And then it occurred to me. This was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend.
J.D.: I'll do it.
Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable.
Both: No, I'm not.
Both: Stop doing that!
Both: Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!

Dr. Cox: Paige, we have protocol here. First we shake our Magic 8-Ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.
Paige: Oh, right, 'cause people who believe in God are crazy and you're the sane one.

[As Dr. Cox and Paige energetically argue outside the room]
J.D.: Hey, do you guys like improv? 'Cause I'm kind of an expert. There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying. Like watch. "Do you want some pie?" "Not me! I hate pie!" "What are you talking about? Who hates pie? Everyone loves pie!" "I've always hated pie. You never understood me. You're a pie racist." "You're a cobbler whore."
J.D.: [v.o.] For God's sake, get off pie!
Paige: Jerk.
Dr. Cox: Republican.
J.D.: Pie.

J.D.: I need to find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is working. If you happen to be keeping score, that would be medicine one, God zero.
J.D.: You don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do.

Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?
Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and handbag.
Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to hell for it. That's a trauma two-fer.

Paige: Oh, wow. Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?
Dr. Cox: That's cold, sis. Ice cold. You know, I've been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.
Paige: Please, Perry, don't hold back.
Dr. Cox: It's not the God stuff. I've worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I I can't think about anything else.
Paige: It's hard for me too.
Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.
Paige: I'd love to see him turn three.
Dr. Cox: The major events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce and his funeral. The big four.

J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the Bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the room to room thing.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.