Turk: Dude, please tell me you're not comparing getting cancer to knocking up your girlfriend.
J.D.: I was trying to! You can't pawn your personal stuff off on your patients! What about you and the motorcycle accident guy?
[flashback to Turk talking with a patient:]
Turk: So get this: My pregnant wife has decided that it's okay to steal my pillow in the middle of the night and sleep with it in between her legs!
Patient: When am I going in to surgery? Oh, we can't start the surgery until the troopers find your foot.
[present:]
Turk: That was different. He said, "What's up?"

Dr. Cox: Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya. I mean, God's sake, he could run all day.
Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues?
Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to by law remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.

J.D.: Okay, on the night of said conception, uh, Kim and I nuded up, and, um, the dirty talk began, and I got a little over-excited.
Turk: Ooh! She like-a the dirty talk!
J.D.: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going, but I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Elliot: He does.
J.D.: Anyhoo, there was some unexpected friendly fire. And, even though I never got a chance to enter "the village", uh, there was a "airstrike" on one of the outlying regions. [Turk laughs, until Carla's tugs his ear] Anyway, I spoke to the gals up in OB-G, and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Turk: [strained] What you trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
J.D.: No, I didn't have a condom. [Turk, Carla and Elliot stifle laughter] And, uh, we decided not to have sex because... Here's the kicker. I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Turk, Carla and Elliot break out laughing]

Kim: You seen J.D.?
[As J.D. hides in the car's footwell, he shakes his head to Turk]
Turk: I have not.
Kim: Any idea where he is?
[J.D. performs an elaborate gesture]
Turk: Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street.
J.D.: [v.o.] I can't believe he got that! We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday!
[Turk smiles at J.D.]
Kim: Come on, Turk, where is he?
Turk: You know, Kim, I'm sorry but I really have no idea.
[Turk stretches his arms like he's yawning, pointing to J.D.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Traitor!
[J.D. uses his head to hit the accelerater pedal]

Dr. Cox: Hey, space-wasters, why haven't any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy?
Elliot: [quietly] Hey, let's try to use our inside voice around the interns. We don't want to scare them.
Dr. Cox: What kind of new crazy is this?
Carla: Oh, Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies.
Elliot: [baby talk] Oops, Jakey. Somebody's got a little smudgie on his face. There you go.

Turk: Dude, what the hell am I supposed to tell Kim when she asks why I drove off like that?
J.D.: Tell her you hate white chicks. And then when she says, "No you don't," you say, "I mean White Chicks the movie. Not a fan of those Wayans brothers." Then she'll laugh and forget why she was mad at you.
Turk: You're right! That'll work.

J.D.: You have no idea what I'm going through.
Turk: Really? Cause the last time I checked, I was having a kid, too.
J.D.: Yeah, that you planned with your wife, whose middle name you know. It's Juanita, Turk! Carla's middle name is Juanita!
Turk: I knew it was something Puerto Rican.

Turk: Yo! Elliot. what's your ringtone?
Elliot: "Jesus Takes The Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
Todd: I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true. [holds hand for high-five] Please?
Elliot: [high-fives Todd] But that's all you get for the rest of the year, Todd.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I spent my free time getting coworkers I just met pregnant.
J.D.: You're pregnant? Are you sure?
Kim: I'm pretty sure.
J.D.: Uh, Kim, I'm not really sure how to phrase this, so I'm just gonna dive right in: Have there been other penises?
Kim: It's yours, J.D.
J.D.: Cool.
Kim: Are you okay?
J.D.: [v.o.] [screams]

J.D.: [v.o.] No problem. I'll just go chill at my deck with a little vino. Unfortunately, it was still a hangout spot for gay seniors.
[ABBA's "Dancing Queen" plays]
J.D.: All right! That's enough! I have seen "Les Mis" over a dozen times, so I have nothing against giant queens per se, all right? In fact, my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys. Excuse me. [passes out]
Old Man: You heard him, girls? Let's roll!