J.D.: What if Kim and I don't end up together? Okay? I already have enough trouble meeting girls. Can you imagine it now? "Hey, how you doin'? I'm J.D., and this little bugger right here already hates ya for not being his real mommy! Wanna get freaky? I'm apparently very fertile!" My life has changed forever! You wanna be like everybody else and say "Everything's gonna be just fine!"?
Turk: Dude, I'm your best friend. I'll tell you whatever you want me to.

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie? Have you seen any of the interns around?
Elliot: Yeah. They did so well at rounds, I'm just letting them watch a show.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Hi, interns.
All: [not turning around] Hi.
Dr. Cox: Look, you pretty obviously have short-circuited. Because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub.
Intern: Shh! I can't hear the TV!
[later, the TV smashes to the ground as it's thrown out a window:]
Dr. Cox: Hi, honey!

Turk: Well, if it isn't my beautiful bride, Carla Juanita Espinosa.
Carla: Juanita? You think my middle name is Juanita?
Turk: I am going to kill J.D.!

Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Dorian, look, uh, this is a bit awkward, but, uh, as chief of medicine, I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr. Briggs. Was she naughty? I bet she's a hellcat.
J.D.: Get help, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Never mind. It's, uh, better up here.

J.D.: Mrs. Zeebee, unfortunately the cancer isn't localized just to your breast. We're gonna have to start chemo right away.
J.D.: [v.o.] The most important thing to remember when you see yourself in a patient is that they're not actually you. In fact, sometimes, they're actually who we wish we had the courage to be.
Mrs. Zeebee: You know what? I'm gonna get through this. Just you watch. It's not like I can change what's already happened. The only thing to do is move forward and deal with it. Right?
J.D.: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] Right then, I knew exactly what I had to do, come hell or high water.

[J.D. trips over a rope as he leaves the hospital. After he falls to the ground, Turk and two maintenance staff come over and spray paint an American flag on him.]
Turk: Uh-huh! I got your Juanita. Juanita, huh? Well you can Jua-nita this right there.
[J.D. gets up]
J.D.: What the hell?
Janitor: It's now or never.
[The Janitor swings down, grabs J.D. and flies him up to the top of the flag pole]
J.D.: Are you gonna let me down anytime soon?
Janitor: Not until you spend a little time acting like a flag.
J.D.: [v.o.] As I acted like a flag, I sensed that the Janitor learned nothing from this experience.

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox, on the other hand, got halfway there. He may always be angry at work, but he had learned to control himself when it counts.
Dr. Cox: Jacky, would you like some hot dogs?
Jack: I don't want hot dogs! [hits plate off table]
Dr. Cox: That's okay, 'cause we've got your favorite yogurt.