J.D.: Do you think I've damaged ligaments?
Dr. Cox: I don't care. Now, can I count on you to never drop by here again? Or shall I just move?
J.D.: Oh, you can't leave a place with this much warmth. I especially love this shelf filled with photos of your friends and family.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, if he comes at you, just try and roll out the door.
Dr. Cox: Well, actually, you have a point. I guess watching the game by yourself with a Scotch isn't really the only way to watch a game, huh? I don't know. It's just that I've always thought of needing people as a sign of weakness.
J.D.: It's not.
Dr. Cox: Well, then... Would you stay and watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?
J.D.: Of course I will.
Dr. Cox: I can braid your hair. No, I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon.
[A group of men enter the apartment and wave to Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: Hey, you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. Just ignore them. And will you tell me the answer to this question. Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

Turk: I'm telling you, Kelso didn't even ask her and she gave you full credit.
Carla: I don't care. Too little too late. Plus, I know why you're really here. So I'm gonna plop myself right here in the VIP section, so you can give me what you got.
Turk: I was gonna tell you how I busted J.D.'s chops the other day for wanting to be friends with a girl. And now I find it so amazing to see how strong you are, how well you carry yourself, how I'd give anything to wake up and watch you read the paper. But instead I think you should hop off your broom for a second, try and remember what it was like when you first started here and give Elliot a break. Because she may be a chore but she is a good person. And your ass is especially fine today.
Carla: Pick me up tomorrow at seven.
Turk: [quietly to himself] She's not the only one who can do a speech. I can do a speech.

Will: This is a strange resort, man. I mean, the wheelchair service is great but that suite I rented, there was another person in it. And, for some reason, the bellhop gave me an enema.
J.D.: Yeah, he's new here.
Will: So... Anything you wanna say?
J.D.: You know it all, man.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I hated Will a little. Because thanks to him, I started to look at all the people who are important to me in terms of what will probably kill them. [Turk eating a burger] Heart disease. [Dr. Cox drinking Scotch] Liver disease. [Elliot cringing after putting her foot in it] Somebody choking her. [J.D. looking in a mirror] I don't know. Probably stress.

Dr. Cox: Geez, J.D., would you be a man? Look it, if you can't stick to your convictions, you'll never make it as a doctor.
[fantasy scene: J.D.'s head explodes:]
Dr. Cox: I can't believe your head exploded. If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor. I mean, come on. You look ridiculous.

Elliot: I had a run-in with that nurse, Carla, yesterday. She forgot to check the stats on a patient and then she gave me attitude about it.
J.D.: What, did you tell on her or something?
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Who's responsible for this?
Elliot: She is.
[present:]
Elliot: I don't remember.

Elliot: And why would you automatically assume it was my fault? I mean...
J.D.: [v.o.] It'd be a good point, except Elliot puts her foot in her mouth. A lot. She can't really seem to stop.
Elliot: Just because I occasionally say something stupid doesn't mean I go door-to-door annoying people, like some crazed Jehovah's Witness. [laughs] Oh, you're not?
Turk: No.
Elliot: [sigh of relief]
Turk: My mother is.
Elliot: [chokes]
J.D.: He's black, too. You should tease him about that.

Dr. Cox: Multilobar pneumonia at 31. How much does this guy smoke?
J.D.: I don't know.
Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, that it's your attention to detail that impresses me most. How many packs a day, genius?
Will: Half a pack.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day, really?
Will: Eleven. Now, you don't know where I'm coming from. [Dr. Cox whistles] Two or three packs.

J.D.: [v.o.] I never really know what to say to Turk's stupid surgery buddies. But I'm getting better.
J.D.: So... How's surgery?
Todd: It rocks. But my bedroom, that's where I really operate. Am I right? Come on, show Todd some love!
J.D.: [v.o.] I hate showing Todd love.
[J.D. high-fives Todd]

Carla: Hey, Bambi, why are you slumming with these scalpel jocks?
Turk: Please, baby. This here's the VIP table. Why don't you sit your fine self down?
[Carla walks off]
J.D.: [chuckles] "Baby, this here's the VIP table"
Turk: I'm not really interested in her.
Todd: Yeah? Then maybe the Todd'll show that little biscuit some love. [chuckles]
[fantasy scene: Turk cracks the Todd's neck]
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe he's a bit interested.
Todd: Fine. Todd'll show himself some love.

Turk: I'm thinking about asking Carla out today. What do you think?
J.D.: I think the janitor's out to get me.
Turk: Wow. Thank you so much for your help. You know what, why don't you just be a little more paranoid?
J.D.: Wait, Turk.
Janitor: [to a gruff man in a white sleeveless jacket] That's him.