Janitor: Todd, how's the weather section shaping up?
Todd: I think all the ladies in the greater metro area should expect to see about eight inches tonight. What's up? Entire-Coffee-Bucks-Five. Hit it.

Mr. Cropper: Hey! You want to explain the fingernail marks down my wife's back?
J.D.: First of all, that's a perfectly acceptable fighting style. And secondly, I think you should ask your wife about that. [Mr. Cropper grabs J.D.] Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is very close. What did you have for lunch, scallops?
Turk: Hey, dude. Why don't you let him go?
Mr. Cropper: I don't have a problem with you, man.
Turk: I should warn you, I've killed a man. Granted, it was during surgery, but I don't need anesthesia to knock your ass out.
Mr. Cropper: Sorry.
J.D.: That's right. Walk away! Walk away! We got them.

Dr. Cox: That was a close one, wasn't it? Thank goodness your big, brave man-friend was here. Sam, I want to be real clear about this. That's your daddy, not your mommy.
J.D.: How did you get Sam out of day care?
Dr. Cox: Put on a wig and a skirt and told them I was you.

Carla: What's your secret? Are you pregnant?
Elliot: Why would I be talking to Kelso if I was pregnant?
Carla: [gasps] It's his baby.
Elliot: That was one dream, Carla. And it doesn't count because he was half-dolphin.
Carla: Which half?

Carla: Here's John's lab work. If you tell me your secret, I won't tell anybody about the time you ate a cricket.
Elliot: You tricked me into doing that. Dominican snack, my heinie.

J.D.: The point is, I don't want you fighting my battles for me. I need to be a strong male role model for Sam.
Turk: But, dude, that's my job. Remember? When Sam gets older, I teach him about sports and stuff, and you're in charge of lzzy's emotional crap. We agreed that's how we'd raise our kids.
J.D.: Our kids? Turk, we're not married.
Turk: Dude, we're a little married.
J.D.: I know. I love it.
Turk: Besides, if you start acting like a man's man all of a sudden, you're just teaching Sam to lie about who he really is. You know?

Carla: Why wouldn't John want any help?
Elliot: You know, this reminds me of the time my cousin Greg got stuck at the airport. I offered to pick him up, but he said he'd just crash at some cheap motel. Anyway, the next day-
Dr. Kelso: Let me guess. He hung himself.
Elliot: What? No, Dr. Kelso, my cousin didn't hang himself, okay? [to Carla] He did. But he lived.
Carla: That's a nice story.

Dr. Cox: Stop. Stop. Stop it, please. There's no touching. No touching me. No, please don't touch. Okay, everyone, can I have your attention? That interview is a fake. It never happened. So there's no more touching me. Not now, not never.
Ted: Knock, knock, knock. Hello, is the real Dr. Cox in there? Because his friend Ted wants him to know it's safe to come out.
[J.D. holds his arms out to hug Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: You read the interview, too?
J.D.: What interview?

Elliot: What is John's problem?
J.D.: Yeah, Carla, what is his problem?
Carla: Oh, he's embarrassed about having breast cancer. Most guys would be.
Turk: You know what else would embarrass most guys? Having their ass handed to them Hong-Kong style in front of the whole cafeteria.
Carla: Elliot, even doctors get self-conscious about their bodies. Remember last month when Turk pretended to visit his brother, but he was actually having his testicle removed? He was so embarrassed, he only let me tell you about it. And he was only comfortable telling J.D.
Turk: Baby, I haven't told J.D.
Carla: How could you not tell your best friend?
Ted: Do you guys even realize I'm here? [writes down] One testicle.

Carla: Men are always doing this to themselves. If they say they don't want your help, you can bet your ass they really need it.
Elliot: That is so true, I'm putting that on my answering machine and saving it for my next relationship.
Carla: Don't bother. There's no reception in here.
[flashback to Dr. Kelso on the phone in the bathroom]
Elliot: Oh, my God. Dr. Kelso wants my help.
Carla: I swear, Elliot, if you don't tell me this secret, I'm gonna go in that stall and change your butt rating.