J.D.: So, how are things at the homestead?
Turk: Ah, no worries.
Carla: [sobbing] I can't feed my own baby!

J.D.: [v.o.] To make more cash, Sacred Heart had started catering to rich folk. Hence the swanky new suites.
Nurse: Turn down service, Mr. Worthington?
J.D.: Oh, not now.
Nurse: When's a good time?
J.D.: Never. He's in a coma.
J.D.: [v.o.] Not only were the new suites super expensive, they were absolutely ruing my figure. [takes mint]

Elliot: Keith, why do you keep letting people take pictures of your body? I mean, this is exactly like that night I caught you in the bathroom at the bus station.
Keith: Come on, this is nothing like that.
[flashback:]
Elliot: What the hell are you doing?
J.D.: Oh, hey, Elliot. I'll have him back to you in one second. Gettin' a little flare off the urinal.
[present:]
J.D.: Actually, keith, it's a little like that.
Elliot: Little bit.
J.D.: One areola shot, real quick.

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Elliot was private practice, there were tons of perks. For one, Dr. Kelso still refused to speak to her.
Elliot: Hey, Dr. Kelso. Oh, if you're a doody face, don't say anything. [Kelso walks away] Get used to that joke, people. Because I'm going to be doing it [snaps] all the time.

Elliot: Well, I'm just a little bit late for my brow wax and my facial, so I'm just gonna stick these orders to your lab coat so you don't forget them. Enjoy doing my bidding while a team of burly old Russian women make me beautiful.

Dr. Cox: Fine, I don't want to go home, anyway.
J.D.: He said in a sarcastic tone we've all come to know as "Coxsian."
Dr. Cox: I mean it. I don't want to go home. Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester, she has become a needy, bloated behemoth with a temper as big as her tree trunk-size cankles. And besides, even if I did go home, she'd probably just send me out on a food run to satiate one of her insane cravings.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox returns home with goat for Jordan to feast on:]
Dr. Cox: Honey, I brought you some dinner.
Jordan: [o.s.] Come here, little goaty goaty! [spatter]
[Dr. Cox drags the goats head out of the door]
Jordan: I wasn't finished!
Dr. Cox: You're finished.

Turk: Honey, post partum depression's really serious.
Carla: True, but there are different levels. Yes, some women leave their babies in the woods, but some women just get the weepies.
Turk: And this is just the weepies?
Carla: Just the weepies baby.

Turk: Baby, we should really get some help.
Carla: No! I've been a nurse for 15 years! What are they gonna tell us that we don't already know? Now, now, who are we?
Turk: We're the Turks.
Carla: And can the Turks can get through this?
Turk: Woman, the Turks can handle anything.
Carla: Okay!
Turk: Okay, now give me a hug!
Carla: Okay!
Turk: Wait, you know what? Could you change first? 'cause I don't want to get any booby juice on my new t-shirt.
Carla: Okay.

Dr. Cox: I don't care if you don't like green. Jello is jello. Laverne, if I accidentally backed my car over Barbie for sticking me with the world most annoying patient, what do you think your boy Jesus would do?
Nurse Roberts: Your wife is on the phone.
Dr. Cox: He is not a merciful god, is he? [covers phone] Just tell her I'm still working, I have no idea what time I'm going to get off, and just go ahead and eat the entire mattress. I mean, for the love of God! I spend the entire day with patients and the entire night with her. I need a hide-out.
Janitor: You're telling me. I've got this new land lady, boozy old broad, keeps showing up at my door in an open robe and a bottle of gin. I don't want to go home.
Nurse Roberts: Can you tell Dr. Kelso that Mr. Worthington's family transferred him from the luxury suite to a hospice, please?

Janitor: It's freezing in here.
Dr. Cox: If you'd put on a pair of pants, you'd be fine.
Janitor: Hey, in my house, it's no pants, no problem. I'm putting in a videotape.
Dr. Cox: Now, what the hell is this?
Janitor: It's a security camera tape. I like to count the times that Colonel Doctor goes to the bathroom during the day, then freak him out by guessing the exact number. And there's one...