Dr. Cox: My god, this is beautiful.
Dr. Kelso: Gentlemen, how is Mr. Worthington doing?
Dr. Cox: He, uh, he's in a coma, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Great! The man has the health insurance of a Tahitian prince.

Turk: See, baby, the great thing about working at a hospital is that we have access to all types of medical care.
Having trouble feeding your baby? Bam, say hello to your lactation specialists.
Carla: Hi.
Lactation Specialist #1: Try tickling her lip with the nipple to let her know it's time to eat.
Lactation Specialist #2: Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
Todd: I can't see the nipple.
Turk: Todd, get the hell out of here.

Carla: She's still not eating. None of this stuff is working.
Turk: We're the Turks, remember? Now, if you ask me, Isabella is placing calls, but no one's responding in the areola code.
Carla: What?
Turk: Those two little turkey timers you got there are telling me that that birdie's not done. And this place is too public for me to arouse them freaky-deeky style-y, so, i'm gonna have to go an alternate route. Your dead mama had one of the fattest asses I've ever seen!
Carla: What?!
Turk: Ding, ding. Turkey's done.
Carla: She's latching. She's latching.

Elliot: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot. Look, I know you're probably mad about what I said yesterday, and-
Elliot: I'm not mad. Well, I mean, at first I was a little mad so I started power walking down fourth avenue. Right when I got to that place where it starts to get a little ghetto, I realized, you're just jealous.
J.D.: I am not jealous.
Elliot: Oh, please, J.D., I know you. Whenever you're jealous, you run your hands through your hair and then you smell them.
J.D.: [hands in hair] I do not!
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, resist smelling that coconut goodness that caresses your tresses! Don't do it!
Elliot: Whatever.
J.D.: [sniffs] Ahh, pina colada!

Turk: Look, Carla's going all post partum depression-y on me, And she won't let me to take her to see a doctor.
Dr. Cox: She's never gonna listen to you. You're a guy. You have no idea what she's going through. The fact is, the only person she will listen to is someone who's gone through it themselves.
Turk: Fine. Who?
Dr. Cox: I cannot believe I am doing this. [makes phone call]
[later, the ground shakes at the hospital as Jordan walks down the corridor. She knocks the papers out of two doctors' hands.]
Turk: I'm scared.
Dr. Cox: Me, too, Gandhi.
Jordan: [mouth full] What!?
Dr. Cox: You look pretty, dear.
Turk: So pretty.

Elliot: [over webcam] Look, you don't have to admit that you're jealous. I was thinking, Kim's not around, and I can't even imagine how much that sucks, so, I sent her a webcam just like this one, and you guys can video chat whenever you want. Anything to make the long distance easier, right? Anyway, I hope you like it. See you.
Dr. Kelso: [over webcam] Boogity, boogity, boogity. [J.D. screams] I love the interhighway.

Janitor: I've been expecting you.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jumpsuit, as I was scaling the hospital, I had an epiphany. This back-and-forth between you and I is just gonna get worse and worse. I mean, the only thing I could think about was retaliation, and I'm relatively certain that you've got a couple of tricks up your sleeve, too.
Janitor: I do have a friend who works on Wall Street. He and I got a good look at your personal finances, and he agreed to fly into town and bash your head in.
Dr. Cox: Right, that would roughly be what I'm referring to.
Janitor: Ah. Then, yes.

Dr. Cox: There really is only one way to end this.
Janitor: We each ingest a cyanide capsule. On three. One, two, three.
Dr. Cox: No. What are you doing?
Janitor: Mine's a Skittle.
Dr. Cox: Mine, too?
Janitor: Sure.
Dr. Cox: Get out of here. Look, there really is only one way to end this so that we both come out alive. We've got to page him.
[later: Dr. Kelso cuts through the drywall that the Janitor placed where the door used to be, the steps over it]
Dr. Kelso: You. Get the hell out of here before I charge you for every cashew you've pilfred from the mini-bar. And you, stop eating the potpourri and get back to work.

Jordan: So you have post-partum depression.
Carla: No. I have the weepies.
Turk: No, baby,you've got post-
Jordan: You have no lines in this play.
Turk: Okay.

J.D.: [v.o.] The first step of solving any problem is admitting that you have one. After that, you can start to work on feeling like your old self again.
Turk: All right, Izzie. This is what your mom looks like on anti-depressants.
Carla: Oh, we're sharing secrets now?
Turk: Yeah.
Carla: Oh, 'cause Izzie, look, this is what your daddy looks like the last time he tried to grow out his hair. How sad.
Turk: That's cold, baby.