Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: I specifically told you not to give Mr. Sandal disopyramide. Why would you change my orders?
Dr. Cox: Well, there were two treatment options, and when in doubt, I always go in the opposite direction of you.
Elliot: Don't do it again.
Dr. Cox: So, do it again? Look, Barbie, what you're missing here is that you're private practice now. That means you're the enemy. And I know, as a doctor, disease is supposed to be the enemy, but I'm giving hepatitis and his band of infectious buddies a pass, and I'm coming after you today. Because the bottom line is you'd rather clock out of here early than run the extra mile for your patients, and, Barbie, that makes you a sell-out.

Carla: Look, all I ever wanted was to be a mother, and now that I am one, I feel like I'm not cut out for it.
Jordan: And you're ashamed of that?
Carla: Well, wouldn't you be?
Jordan: Yeah, I was. What's the worst feeling you've had since you had the baby?
Carla: I don't know.
Jordan: When Jack wouldn't stop crying, I wanted to throw that bastard out the window.
Carla: Really? I wanted to throw Isabella out the window. Yeah, but we just had our apartment repainted, and all the windows were sealed shut, so I just wanted to drop her off the roof.
Turk: [gasps] Oh, my God!
Jordan: Listen, you can't get rid this by sheer force of will or positive thinking or taking advice from a big Hollywood movie star and the dead science fiction writer he worships. You need to get some help.
Turk: That's what I've been try-
Jordan: If you talk again, I'm going to eat you.

Dr. Cox: Well, I gotta tell you, this is heaven.
Janitor: This gourmet trail mix is fantastic. I'm tastin' vanilla, cranberry, a hint of pine.
Dr. Cox: That's potpourri, genius.
Janitor: Is that hickory?

J.D.: You should see all the sweet new toys Elliot bought. It's awesome. It's like that time in college when we got to split all of Chugski's stuff when he drank himself to death.
Turk: I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard!
J.D.: Pour some out for one's homies.

Elliot: Hey, everybody.
Dr. Cox: You hear her, Newbie. Private Practice Barbie is clocking out. Now, if we could just get cancer to go home at 5:00, we'd be all set.
J.D.: Come on, you're just jealous. I know I am.

Turk: Turk and Carla had just brought their new baby home. [recording] What's up, Isabella? For your 16th birthday, your dad has made you a videotape. [laughs] Now, I know future me is probably really strict, so no dating, no make-up, and no spending spring break with your friends on Mars. Last thing I need to worry about is my daughter getting eaten by a giant space slug. You know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, for your 16th birthday, my gift to you is to show you how happy your mom was the day we brought you home.
Turk: Baby?
Carla: I can't do this. We have to take her back.
Turk: Happy birthday, sweetheart. We'll talk later.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, my pregnant girlfriend just moved away, but I was still keeping things spicy.
J.D.: [on the phone] Oh, of course I miss you, baby! Want to see a picture of me missing you? Hold on. [sends picture] Oh, thanks. Do you want to see a picture of my rock-hard abs? Ok, hold on. [takes picture of Keith] No, no. I've always had an innie. She wants to see a picture of my ass.
Keith: Oh, J.D., I don't want-
J.D.: I am your superior!
Elliot: What the-?
J.D.: Oh, hey, Elliot, I'll have him back to you in one second.
Elliot: Kim, yeah, those pictures are of Keith, ok? Read 'em and weep. Look, J.D. will call you back later.

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, the biggest perk is that at 5:00, she gets to dump her patients on someone else and go home.
Elliot: Mr. Sandal has HOCM. I'm not using disopyramide, so just continue treating with beta blockers.
Dr. Cox: You're giving orders to me? OMG, Barboo, you make me want to LOL... [laughs] I just discovered text messaging. I know I'm a little late to the game, but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a G.A.B.P.I.T.A.W.M.
W.2.D. [off Elliot's look] "Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes me Want to Die".

Bobby: Hi! Since you're African-American, I was wondering if I can borrow some of your Marvin Gaye CDs?
Turk: Sure. Come on in, kid. Here you go.
Bobby: Thanks! Mazel tov on the baby. [exits]
Carla: How did he know I had a baby? [Turk points to Carla's chest] Oh. Great! I milked through my last clean T-shirt!

J.D.: [v.o.] To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash.
Elliot: Hey, roomie! I went shopping. Oh, this couch reminded me of my grandpa. He used to drive around in a car just like it. You know, until he was killed in that 7-car pile-up.
J.D.: "7-car pile-up" would be a good name for a rock band.
Elliot: Yeah, you actually told me that on the day that he died.
J.D.: Oh.
Elliot: Anywho, I was thinking maybe we should put in some new hardwood floors.
J.D.: Why stop at hardwood?
[fantasy: Elliot walks into the apartment:]
Elliot: Yay, the new floors are in! [bounces, crashes into wall]
J.D.: Careful. Trampoline floors take some gettin' used to. But I love 'em.
[reality:]
J.D.: I like bouncing, but it is dangerous.