Carla: No, Turk, I know that face. Don't you dare make a foofy.
Turk: Baby, I had a big old lunch. Now I got the downtown pushdowns.
Carla: No!
Turk: Can I just have a little one?
Carla: No

Elliot: Oh, my God! You think farts are funny too? Ssh, we can't let them know!
Carla: No, no. Not that, that. I changed his picture. He says I can't make jokes, but that's funny, right?
Elliot: Not really. I mean, those pictures are there to reassure the patients.
Dr. Cox: I can't believe this! My picture's been changed in every single room. I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed, I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry!
J.D.: "Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome?"
Elliot: Mm!
Dr. Cox: Why would anyone do this to me?
Carla: It's a mystery is what it is.

Janitor: Oh, you're right there, listening to my every move, aren't you?
Dr. Kelso: A small child vomited downstairs. It smells like pickles and milk. Sort of like one of Enid's burps. Consider it a chance for you to prove yourself.
Janitor: Yes, sir. In fact, wait up! [walks in spot] Let's work together. I'll tell you about my favorite stain. Let's turn this corner! Oh, you're good.

Elliot: Guys, I think I figured out what happened to Brian. This letter from the army says his injuries are too severe to let him back into service.
Carla: The army is his life.
Elliot: He didn't take too many pills by accident. He was trying to commit suicide.
J.D.: We can't discharge him. We gotta get him one of the shrinks.
Dr. Cox: The only way we can make him stay here is if he admits that he did it.
Brian: Yeah, well, I didn't do it. It's like you said earlier. I must have mixed up my prescriptions and taken too many of one.
Turk: How long have you been awake?
Brian: Long enough to know that you need to fart. And Carla is not funny, and J.D.'s imitation of a black guy is really racist.
J.D.: He be trippin'.

Elliot: Brian, this is just a sad back. You can't let it take you to such a bad place.
Brian: Ah, I'm not a bad place. But if I were, it'd be understandable, right? 'cause what the hell do I have to live for? I mean, the only thing waiting for me in my crappy apartment is this whole disability check to remind me that the only place that I ever felt like I really belonged doesn't want me anymore. But not to worry, I'm sure there's a huge demand out there for a high school grad who can't sign his name and gets confused by stuff that wouldn't faze a five year old. There is no happy future for me, so please, do not tell me it's all gonna turn around.
Dr. Cox: Nobody's leavin' this room until you admit to us what you did.
Brian: Why should I admit anything to you since you guys aren't, um, that truthful one to each other?
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes to get the truth out of someone, you have to come clean yourself.
Carla: Dr. Cox, I'm the one who switched your picture.
Dr. Cox: Carla.
Turk: I slept with Stacy.
J.D.: I knew it!
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course some admissions you don't see coming.
Elliot: I once tried to kill myself.

J.D.: [v.o.] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
J.D.: Was it because I broke up with you?
Elliot: No, J.D.
J.D.: Oh, good, good, good, good.
Elliot: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you. You know, you get lonely, not happy with what's happening in your life.
J.D.: An amazing guy breaks up with you.
Elliot: J.D., this is not about you. I was sixteen.

Carla: Oh no, Turk, I know that look, don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
Turk: Oh, baby, the pressure is building, no one on Earth is this uncomfortable.

Janitor: Oh, no! I have to pee! Come on, fight it man. Think about something else. Take your mind of it. Here we go, uh! It passed and that's a big bowl of swishy liquid. Damn it!

Janitor: Come on, how long can he stay in there? I haven't eaten anything since I stole that hobo's pecan pie.
Fish: Come on, buddy! Get it together! How you doing? The name is Roger Dorsey.
Janitor: Well, that's not real. I'm starting to lose it.
Fish: How do you know I'm not real?
Janitor: Well, for one thing, you're just using my voice, only slightly higher, like this: "How you doing buddy?"
Fish: Oh, yeah? If I wasn't real, could I hit this note? [high note]
Janitor: That was lovely!

Turk: Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, [Scrubs sad theme plays] my mom walked in my room with I look that I had never seen. She said, "It's over, Turk. Micheal Jordan's career is over."
Dr. Cox: Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?
J.D.: Is he the black golfer?