Dr. Kelso: If you are wondering why I'm wearing these, it's partly because at the Kelso family Christmas we all pick one name out of the hat to buy a gift for, and I was lucky enough to be chosen by my son Harrison's new life partner, Ray-Ray. The other reason is that my work shoes are coated in the toddler vomit I told you to clean up earlier. Now, are you going to get on it or am I docking your pay?
Janitor: You do what you have to do, sir. Roger Dorsey and I are seeing this thing to the finish.
Dr. Kelso: Roger Dorsey was my squad leader in Vietnam. He died in my arms.
Fish: Tell Bob I love him.

Brian: Guys, it's been really great to sharing, really, but, I gotta get dressed.
Dr. Cox: You win. I see your point. Here is the name of a really good therapist.
Brian: Look, I know, um, you think I owe it to myself?
Dr. Cox: Please, who cares about you? Never mind the fact that we've been busting our asses trying to take care of you every day for the last three weeks. I mean, for God's sake, if I'd known back then that you were just gonna go ahead and give up, I would have saved myself a huge hassle, smothered you with a pillow and spent all my extra time catching up on Newbie's pathetic blog.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, he referenced me in a tough love speech. Stop smiling!
Dr. Cox: So, no, Brian, no! You don't owe anything to yourself, but you damn sure owe to each one of us.
Brian: Fine. I'll call him.

Brian: Look, Elliot, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but none of you guys has any idea what it's like to feel this hopeless in your life. You know, other than J.D. [murmurs of agreement]
J.D.: Wait, wait. What's happening?
Carla: Oh, Brian, I know exactly how you're feeling. You should have seen me when I was dealing with post-partum depression, I just wanted out. I'm so glad that I didn't do anything because I got on antidepressants and now I don't feel that way.
Turk: That's right! And my baby being happy is worth all the vaginal dryness in the world.
J.D.: [v.o.] And none of us would ever look at Carla the same way again.

Carla: Private Dancer, more like Man, sure. As in, "Man, he sure has a positive outlook on life." Right?
Dr. Cox: Carla, you a rascal, I can't help but notice you love making jokes. What the- What the devil was that you were saying about your coffee?
Carla: I said: "It's so good it's like crack!" I'm telling you guys, it really is.
Dr. Cox: You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable about just how unfunny that actually was.

Ted: I'm not a sad sack, am I?
Carla: Ted, your pen exploded.
Ted: Aww.
[Ted looks down at his ink-stained white shirt. He then notices his hand, which was just on his head, is also covered in ink.]

Turk: Real smooth.
J.D.: You know what, Turk, I wouldn't mess with me on watermelon day. [spits speeds]
[After Turk ducks, the seed punctures Ted's drink carton.]
Ted: Aw! I just changed my shirt! My chicken!

Turk: J.D., come on, let's go. Where did you get that fish?
J.D.: Mr. Roth owns a pet store. He's so psyched to be in remission, he got all the doctors who helped him out pets as a thank you.
Elliot: Who else worked on that case?
J.D.: Snoop Dog Resident.
Snoop Dogg Resident: [carrying a snake] My Hoes are gonna love this.

J.D.: Could you hold this? [hands the Janitor his fish bowl]
Janitor: Oh, damn.
Ted: What?
Janitor: I don't know if it's old age that's slowing me down, or maybe all that blood I lost last night fighting that hobo, but I just blew that. I should have said, "You think my job is so unimportant that I can stand around all day holding a fish?"
Ted: I can't have you all mopey tonight, when we're out clubbing and on throwing me off my game.
Janitor: Fine. I'll wait here and do this thing right.

Elliot: Keith is out of town, I can stay.
Carla: And so can we.
Turk: No, we can't! Baby, remember? We're supposed to renew our relations tonight for the first time since Izzie was born.
Carla: Well, I guess the only thing you gonna renew tonight is your driver's licence. Hello? [laughs]
J.D.: Wow!
Carla: I'm funny, damn it.

Janitor: Hey jerk, you think I got nothing better than... [Dr. Cox walks out] Sorry. Wrong jerk. Dorian. Taking forever in there. I should just- I'm gonna smash it! He knows that I'm gonna smash it. He wants me to smash it. He wants to prove that I can't "not smash" it. It's a head game. You're never gonna win a head game with me, Dorian. Never. Never!