Dr. Cox: You know what sucks? I have to hire a new Chief or Surgery. And I just can't fathom giving any of you tiny-brained scalpel jockeys a leadership position. Honestly, so far, this is the only candidate who I'm seriously considering. The guy has the opposable thumbs so you automatically know he can handle the job. And, well, I was just thinking if you slap a diaper on him and maybe tape some glasses to his face, sure as shooting he'll look professional enough. Do you know what? I'm gonna call the gentleman.

Todd: So how's married life?
Janitor: You have to make compromises. Like my wife's allergic to raccoons, so I had to throw out my comforter.

Barista: Folks, I'm sorry but we have to close. Our pastry maker was just admitted to the hospital with a highly contagious intestinal virus.
Dr. Kelso: [finishing his fifth muffin] What the hell. I'm already in it.
[later:]
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I need to check myself in.
Nurse: For what?
Dr. Kelso: [vomits] For that.

Kim: So we've been dating about a month and I just didn't want to say anything until I knew it was gonna go somewhere.
Sean: Well, we hit a little speed bump when I first found out that Sam was your baby.
Kim: Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.
Sean: Yeah. She wouldn't, but...

Dr. Cox: I heard you were looking for me.
Turk: Yes. I want officially put my name in for the Chief of Surgery.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] That's a good one.
Turk: Laugh all you want but I'm still getting that job. I know we don't always get along personally. But in my defense, it's because you're a huge jackass. I'm the best cutter in this place. And you know it.
Dr. Cox: When you put it that way, you compel me to consult with the decision committee. "Say, Perry? Yes, Perry. Listen, I was wondering. Can Dr. Turk here be the new Chief of Surgery? Well, I haven't hit the bottle yet today, so I'm not that drunk. The answer is no, not in this lifetime." Sorry there. I did everything possible. Strength.

Todd: Dr. Turk should be chief because he's skilled technically, super-efficient. He's got an awesome dong. He's great with laparoscopic procedures. Patients love him.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] What was that middle one?
Todd: Laparoscopic?

Dr. Cox: So, you are the best he could muster up?
Todd: Oh, no, I'm not the only one. We all want Turk.
[montage of various surgeons and nurses]
Dr. Cox: You want him to be the Chief of Surgery?
Janitor: That depends. Does he get a special chief hat, like a police chief?
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: Okay. If you give him the job, and I make him a hat, will you force him to wear it? I was thinking like an old-time scuba diver helmet. "Hello. You need a new colon."
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: Is that a maybe?

Sean: What do you think the women are talking about?
J.D.: I'm not psychic, Sean. But they better not be all chummy, chatting about which one of us is better in bed.
Sean: They're women. They don't talk about that.
[meanwhile:]
Kim: J.D.'s better at sex. Sean's better at foreplay.
Elliot: J.D.'s great at foreplay. He just takes the "play" part literally so you've got to embrace all of his games. You know, his "Nooks and Crannies", "Upsy Daisies".
Kim: "Who's in There?", followed after by "What's in There?"
Elliot: "Mr. Peep Tries on Hats".
Kim: Love that one.

J.D.: Look, we need to stop seeing each other as enemies. Sean, you and I have had sex with the same women. Therefore, we're wiener cousins. And where I come from, this right here... Stronger than family.
Sean: That's ridiculous.
J.D.: Oh, is it ridiculous, fellas?
[Snoop Dogg Attending and Dr. Beardfacé are locking finger]
J.D.: Nurse Roberts. Both of them. One night. May she rest in peace.

Elliot: I'm so proud of you for working things out with Sean.
J.D.: What can I say? He's my wiener cuz.
Elliot: Kim and I are bajingo sisters.
J.D.: You always wanted one of those.
Elliot: I know!